Thursday, April 21, 2005

The perils of a misspent youth

In earlier posts from yesterday, I promised two stories - one about what a horrible day Tuesday was and one about my shoplifting story. Since I am in a fairly good mood today, I do not want to think about Tuesday, so today's story is the big stealing story.

I grew up in southern California. During my formative years (high school), I lived with my father, step mother and step sister in a fairly nice area called San Dimas. Yes, San Dimas of Bill and Ted fame. The city actually exists. Anyway, I digress. My sister is younger than me. She was a bad ass. I, for the most part, was a good kid. I did spend an inordinate amount of time tipsy but I got good grades and managed to get out of high school without a kid or a venereal disease so in my book, I did well. I digress yet again. So the sister and I are walking out of the drug store that was near my house. She had on those jean overalls that were the fuckin' rage way back when and it had this center pocket thing. She very calmly goes "I just love shoplifting" or something to that effect and promptly plucks out of the center pocket a bag of candy corn. I was about 15 or so at the time probably. Hardly a tiny child. However, my eyes probably bugged out of my head at the realization that my baby sister had STOLEN......SOMETHING......FROM.....A....STORE. I was both appalled and admiring her for her boldness. I am a lot of things, but I tend to lack the chutzpah to do something like that. Well, I DID lack the chutzpah. I thank my sister for leading me down the path to my near destruction. Here is the story.

I was in Ralph's grocery store. I was with my slut friend, JoeAnn. Everyone had a slut friend, right? I certainly am not judging her. I actually lived my life vicariously through her. She also is a good example of someone much bolder than myself. Anyway, by this point, I had already shoplifted probably $300 worth of make up from the Ralph's as well as the already mentioned drug store next door. I got a crappy allowance. Getting a job was not going to happen. And damn it, I wanted new make up. You do the math. So, anyway, we were in Ralph's. The one detail that sticks with me is that I had on green sweat pants. I had already taken several things and was very comfortable with it now. I did not even get a high from it. We are walking out of the store and I feel a hand on my arm. "Excuse me.....what line did you check out of?" I always legitimately bought things - attracted way less suspicion that way. I pointed to the line I had been in and handed over my bag. I then very slowly and deliberately strolled to the outside of the store. And then I ran like hell. I could hear my friend laughing her ass off. Later she told me that she had never seen anyone run like that in her life. She claimed I was just a streak of green. All I know is that I got away with it. And I was scared straight. I have never done anything like that again in my life. I managed to hide out and make it home with no one ever the wiser. I did not set foot into Ralph's - even with my step-mom - for well over a year. I was convinced that they would have my picture somewhere and someone would remember me as the streak of green thief. When I finally went back in, my heart was like in my chest. No one said a word.

That is my big shop lifting story. Pathetic I know. I am sure there are people who have walked right out of Circuit City with a big screen tv on a dolly but I only dabbled in the thievery of make up and magazines. I wish I could say I felt some form of guilt for the make up and stuff I stole, but honestly I don't. I am thrilled I never got caught and had the parents find out. That would have been a fate worse than death. The whole disappointed look sucked big donkey dick.

Please feel free to share similar stories. I love stories from days gone by.

Elizabeth at 12:57 PM

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1 Comments

at 4:36 PM Katie said...: That story CRACKED me up, SFG! I love the thought of the Green Streak running from the store. I can imagine your heart was in your throat at that moment, but I am sure it was a sight to see!

Since you asked for similar stories, I have a good one. Not nearly as funny as yours, though. Anyway, I also had several slutty friends in high school. I really think it should be a prerequisite for girls nowadays. Have at LEAST one slutty, shoplifting friend. Anyway, I digress, too. So I became friends with this girl named Sandy after I graduated high school and was working at the Petro All American Truck Stop for the summer. Yes, I worked at a truck stop, so stop laughing! Anyway, I cooked the midnight breakfast buffet and it tasted good. So Sandy was my summer buddy, and she was definitely slutty and trashy. But we would sit in her boyfriend's double-wide, smoke cigarettes, and watch movies on our days off. And Sandy introduced me to shoplifting, although I technically never did it myself. We would go into Wal-Mart, and she would ask to play one of the CD's on the stereo, because she wanted to check the "sound quality" of the stereo. They would take a CD out for her, and she would stuff it in her pants, or better yet, in my purse. So I guess I was shoplifting after all. It was so fun, though, to see how stupid those Wal-Mart Electronics people were. They ALWAYS fell for it.