Monday, May 02, 2005

Closer than you might think

I had the most low key weekend ever. Friday night and pretty much all day Saturday one would have needed a crowbar to pry my ass off the couch. I had the best of intentions of cleaning and like doing laundry and small things such as that, but can I just say that none of this occurred. Saturday night I had peace and quiet and elected to watch the Julia/Jude/Clive/Natalie movie, "Closer." In a word, wow. First off, the language - a tad salty. To hear Julia say, "Yes, he went down and me and I came." My mouth pretty much hung open the whole time. It was just so real - and so very close to my life at times.

I have gone back and forth about what to do with the rest of my life. Do I do the brave thing and jump forth in an effort to be happy? Do I do the safe thing and know that while my life won't suck, it won't be what I have always wanted it to be. Maybe one day I will sit down and write my story on here about how this all came to be and how I ended up in this mess, but today is not that day. I simply am not sure that I am brave or strong enough to handle all of this. How do I start all over? AGAIN??? Then again, how do I stand my life and avoid situations which make me want to vomit? Maybe vomit is too harsh a word. However, let's just say that I am not enjoying all that life has to offer, ok? Let's just say THAT.

I could think of a kabillion other things I would rather do than work today, but here I am. I am off to enjoy some of the nice weather and spend my lunch hour downstairs reading to finish this book that has taken me forever and a fuckin' day to read.

I do not expect an answer to this. I just want this question to go out into the blog world and perhaps the answer will just present itself to me. What will it finally take to make me happy?

Elizabeth at 1:01 PM

7comments

7 Comments

at 1:07 PM Anonymous said...: If it is meant to be it will be...
at 1:10 PM Anonymous said...: get a cat and call it roadkill, craybait or something else suitable. Because that alone will make you a teensy bit happy each day ("roadkilllll, dinnneeeer, here boy. roooooooadkilllllll")

and get off the couch - if you stay busy it's better, even if you do completely meaningless things like rearrange underwear drawers overa nd over again ebcause that's about as much energy as you have.
at 4:05 PM beautiful face said...: Hi SFG, thanks for your introduction on my blog. I know I am not the only one out there however most of the time, I do feel alone. Thank goodness I have my best friend who is doing her best to be supportive and non-judgmental. God only knows how much I have stood by her over the years; guess its her time now. Would love to hear your anonymous stories about what is going on with you. I really try to post stories and antecdotes about more interesting things but between D and my husband, it is just all-consuming. Guess I let it be, right? Anyway, nice to meet you.
at 5:04 PM Candy said...: Dirty answer, A bottle of wine and a good hard orgasm to clear your mind.

Better nicer answer,soul searching, faith in yourself, and time to find out what you really want.

And cats, cats make people happy.

So do boobs.

Hope you find what you are looking for lady, you already know where to find the boobs.
at 9:59 PM Spurious Nurse said...: Have the courage to be happy. You deserve it.
at 12:41 AM Anonymous said...: Better nicer answer,soul searching, faith in yourself, and time to find out what you really want.- jessica.

I think you did get an answer SFG. It is ALL about YOU. Spend some time with that. If your on the couch, so what. If you do the laundy, great; if not, so what? Making yourself get up isnt the key, in my opinion. I've been there, not long ago at all. Im still not done being there. I tell ya, if the answer is to simply get up....HAHAHA. Not so much. When showering is an accomplishment, reward yourself. Take baby steps and it will come.
Remember, one thing for sure: You are not alone. Email me any time you want, if you want to.
Do whats right for you, take time to figure that out, and go from there. It dosent have to be done today. Baby steps.
Big, Big hugs to you sweetie!
at 11:25 AM Weetzie said...: Virtual hugs to you and sit on the couch if you want to!