Tuesday, May 03, 2005

So very tired

My life has begun to exhaust me. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc. My home life is, in a word, unsatisfying. My work life, although calmed down considerably since the tearful tirades of last week, is not what I would call stellar. I am in a job that I did go to school for. What I do matters - at least to our clients it does. I do need to do my job well, but I just could not give less of a shit about it. I literally drag myself out of bed and into this job when all I really want to do is stay in bed and perhaps surf the net or just tinker around the house. I keep saying that I would love to work from home and I SO WOULD. I would give my eye teeth for that. To still be active and do something that I enjoy for the most part but to not have to deal with all that goes with a JOB - i.e. traffic, annoying fucktards that I work with, having to be in a good mood when I would really like to toss someone out a window, etc. I could do my job with minimal interuption. Of course, I say this because I have no children. People that have children and work from home must be either insane or totally organized.

Financial strains are getting to me as well. With the really nice tax refund that came in, I sat at the computer, check book in hand and paid bill after bill after bill as well as the plane tickets for Xmas time since I KNEW the money would never be there to purchase the tickets later. I caught up a lot but still there are things that are behind. Two fuckin hours paying bills. What the fuck do I have to show for that? I'll tell ya what - a shitty credit score. Every time I feel like I could possibly get ahead, something happens. Case in point - I owed my mother like 500 bucks for taking care of a vet bill from when the cat was super sick and needed surgery. I literally just paid her off on the 28th of April. Yesterday the dryer broke. I was like "you gotta be fuckin' kidding me." Ya know, I would even settle for breaking even. Let's not get crazy and say I want to be ahead. Fuck NO.

I have also taken very crappy care of myself. Why is it that when we really need to pamper ourselves and be nice to ourselves, we abuse our bodies to death? I mean, I do not smoke, do drugs or drink hardly at all, but I eat like shit - generally on the run. If it is not caffeinated with at least 27 grams of sugar per serving, I don't drink it. I tend to eat crap when I have had a bad day or just feel oooookey. Obviously lately, the oooooookey feeling has abounded because I can not remember the last time a veggie passed my lips. I can't even imagine the shape I would be in if I did drugs or drank like a fish. I would be dead.

This post sucks but it is where my head is right now. I am trying to keep things honest on here so that at some point I can go back and read and perhaps see some logical progression and hopefully some positive changes. Today is not a positive change day.

Elizabeth at 2:28 PM

10comments

10 Comments

at 4:00 PM beautiful face said...: Hi SFG, let me preface this comment by telling you that I am a very spiritual person and I walk the talk. When you believe your life is shitty, it is. When you believe your life is amazing (whether or not it is at that point in time), it is..or it will be soon. You have to believe it down in your gut. Remember the SNL character who talked to himself in the mirror ("I am a good person")? Well do that and I trust that you will get what you want. I really wanted to find my lover. I did. I really wanted to find a fulfilling job. I am very close...another great interview today. Now if only I could fix my husband's challenges...however I continue to be positive about that as well.

I know this sounds damn sappy and when you are having a bad day, you probably just want to hit "delete."

When you are ready, try it....
at 6:45 PM Anonymous said...: A group of us should get together and live on a commune. Grow our own veggies, let the kidlets run around in their undies, (must be someplace warm), sleep in tent, and say:
FUCK YOU CREDIT SCORE!

That wont work so well though, will it. But, keeping it real, thats good. It theraputic, helps get the anger and frustration out, and it will be good for you to look back one day and think: WOW! I made it through that mess, and yet it made me who I am today.

Love to you SFG!
at 10:55 PM Kathryn said...: Oh SFG, I've been there.

Go eat a fucking twinkie and drink a coke; you'll feel better.
at 1:52 PM dashababy said...: Hey, this is my first visit. I try to keep blog reading to a minimum but I have read your comments on my sisters blog and think you are very funny. So,,, when I clicked on your blog here.... it sounded so familiar, like my life, then you lost me at tax refund because I havent seen of those in years and years but I know what youre goin thru and it does seem like that,,,, Ya just cant get ahead and hell, "even" would be fantastic! I just want to say "I feel for ya". I have been there too.
at 2:47 PM Anonymous said...: You must be obese or something to be so lazy.
at 6:18 AM Elizabeth said...: Anon,

I find it interesting that people who have fucked up things to say tend to be anonymous. In response to your comment, I am not even close to obese, as you put it. Normally I am a very active person but have been rather lazy as of late. Why am I explaining myself to you? Fuck off.
at 10:34 AM dashababy said...: why do people feel the need to leave ugly comments? its a mystery i will never understand. they are probably the same people that like to burn the whiskers off kittens or key your car just because they can.
at 4:02 PM Johnny Blogger said...: I think the post is useful. Reflection on where you've been and what areas life ain't workin' for ya. I lost everything several years ago in a divorce. I used to plan way ahead, in fact, getting so far ahead I forgot about today. Today, I don't put all my eggs in one basket, in fact, the eggs come to me one at a time, and I've no basket in hand, so I throw 'em at tractor trailers like when I was a kid. I laugh, I move on.

Dr. H.O. Potamus
at 12:38 PM Annejelynn said...: Although I should be avoiding all blogging this week (with work and finals), I've been meaning to tell you for days, this post of yours? 'my homelife is unsatisfying' is from Breakfast Club!? and I'm wondering if you knew that or not...I read it and thought, what is that from? I've heard this before and not just from me, as I have many times literally thought "my home life was unsatisfying," not meaning to quote B.C. and only catching it later. And this past Sat. it hit me...Breakfast Club!

I hope you're feeling better, really.

My tax refund was purty hefty this year - the biggest yet - and I had ambitious plans to open a Roth IRA...but instead I spent it on tuition; a good investment, nonetheless...but not what I had hoped for. I too don't know how people with families cope financially. At one point I had 6K in the bank, and I was thrilled outta my mind! Then my car took a total shit on me and I bought a new one...2K gone for a down payment. Then I had to move...another 2K gone for 1st month, plus deposit...THEN I got in a car accident with a big black Lincoln SUV that ran a red light, hit me and ran off, leaving me w/ a wrecked car...so another 2K gone and bye bye savings! and that all happened 18 months ago and I haven't been able to recover since. I've been living like a pauper and still I can't catch up.

and that anon ass hole? yeah - leave it at that.
at 10:25 PM Amy said...: Oh SFG I hear this post loud and clear!
I am just getting to a point where I am actually opening the bills and not shoving them in a plastic grocery bag because I just don't wanna know.
We got our income tax refund back, and the whole thing goes to pay house taxes from 2004, even then, we still owe 1500 bucks.
And it's not that we have no money. It's that I am a total retard with the money we have. But I am trying to drag myself out of this quagmire.
You hang in there. Sometimes things go the other way too.