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Monday, June 20, 2005

So this is where I vent

So yesterday was Father's Day, right? I got my husband (with whom I have no human children with) a hammock which did not yet make it through our ever so efficient postal system despite being ordered two weeks ago but let's not go there, ok? He was pleased with the hammock picture that I printed out so that he would know what was on the way. He is simple that way. I do not believe I have spoken much about this topic but this post is about my husband's children, who I will call J and M. J, his daughter is 17 and going to be a senior this year. M, his son, will be 15 in just a few short weeks. I have been in these kids' lives since they were 8 and 6 respectively, ok? As most children have, they had a rough time dealing with their parent's divorce but with much time and patience and sometimes hurt feelings, I really thought that we all collectively (with the exception of their fucking bitch of a mother, but as I have said on many a post prior - that is another post for another time) had found a place where we could all exist happily. I am not one of those women who is jealous of time her man spends with his children. I loved having them over. We live in the same town as they do. They are good kids. I have never once in this 8.5 years been nasty to them or spoken ill of their mother in front of them or done anything to undermine their relationship with their father. I also am a product of a divorced household. I had a new step mother in less than two years and I was NOT thrilled about it. I felt very invaded upon and hated the fact that this woman just sorta moved in and took over. It took me many years to appreciate my step mother due to the nature of how she came into my life rather abruptly. That being said, I definitely let the kids come to me. I was nice and fun and all that but I never like imposed my beliefs or rules upon them. I am not their disciplinarian if they were with us. That is their dad's role. In my mind, I was just sorta a bonus adult. I wanted them to be comfortable around me and want to be in our home because I truly wanted them to think of it as their second home.
Fast forward several years to say a year, maybe 18 months ago. The kids are older now. I remember 15 and 17 WELL. I could think of several thousand things I wanted to do other than spend time with anyone resembling a parent. So when our time with the kids started becoming less frequent, I told the husband to chill out and respect their right to want to do stuff with their friends from time to time because if we are like "YOU GOTTA COME TO OUR HOUSE RIGHT FUCKING NOW" they will begin to resent it. Well, I should just shut the fuck up because I do not know what the hell I am talking about. Both of us came to realize that the kids, probably without their knowledge, were basically conduits to funnel information about our lives to their mother. We found out that basically she was questioning them about things re: us. I do not blame them because this woman is a master manipulator. She has the whole fucking world fooled. I could regale all y'all with story upon story of the shit this bitch has pulled but why bother? I will most likely come off sounding like a pissed off, bitter second wife who does not like her husband to have contact with the mother of his kids. So I will just let that go. To sum up, we have now had our relationship boiled down to child support payments and calls for money. We tried, in vain, for a good year to make plans with them on alternate schedules since his daughter was working now and was just busier in general. It always fell through. And WHY, you might ask, did our plans constantly fall through? Well, because at the last fucking second, the bitch would come up with plans of her own and instead of saying "I am doing this - y'all go have fun with your daddy who you have not seen since God was a boy." She would twist shit around until they wanted to go with her.
It is no coincidence that this post is coming on the heels of Father's Day. My husband is a good father. I have not one single qualm about having a child with him. He has the mind set of a 7 year old which every single child I have ever seen come into contact with him instantly responds to. It is like they look at him and in their little minds think "This dude clearly sees the importance of acting like an ass - he is A-OK in my book." He is not an absentee father. At least not by choice. He, and therefore me, have been exorcised out of his children's lives slowly and painfully by his ex-wife and her family. I purposely waited last week to see if I would get a call or an email asking what Daddy needed or wanted for Father's Day or where would we be or is he working, etc. Anything showing me that these kids were interested in spending time with their dad. He did not care about a fucking gift. If they had called us a few days back and been like "Dad, we have not really gotten to hang out with you, can we spend all day Sunday with you?" there is no doubt in my mind, he would have given up his shift and dropped everything to do just that. With my blessing.
Both of us are just tired. We are tired of being disappointed. Of getting our feelings hurt. Of watching our influence on these kids become less and less important. What the bitch says is fucking gospel and that's just it. Maybe other women would be happy that their husband was not distracted by kids from another woman. Maybe other women would welcome this opportunity to make sure their husband focused solely on their current wife and impending family. I am not that woman. I am the woman who is pissed off and hurt and tired, so very tired of watching a good man and an excellent father's feelings be stomped on by a bitter woman who decided that using the kids was the way to go. I hope she is happy. I hope that she is getting out of this what she planned on. I hope that some day she realizes what she has stolen from her kids.

Elizabeth at 2:48 PM

16comments

16 Comments

at 7:57 PM Blogger Spurious Plum said...

I don't know if women like that ever feel sorry for anything they do.

But I DO know that eventually those kids will see their mom for the manipulative bitch she really is (Sorry. She hurt my SFG. I'm mad.)

When that day comes, the kids will see their Dad for the wonderful dude he is too. Here's hoping it's soon.

 
at 5:49 AM Blogger Jomama said...

That post really struck a chord with me because your husband's ex reminds me of my mom. I don't want to go into details, but my mother lives to make my father miserable and to turn my sister and I against him. She has good reasons, but she just takes it way too far and it has caused my sister and I to lose all respect for our mother and now we want nothing to do with either of our parents and she can't understand why. She thinks she is the only victim in this and everyone should feel sorry for her, but doesn't see how we have suffered in the process too and why she is to blame. I hope your step-kids come around and discover the true motives behind their mom's actions because people like that make my f-ing skin crawl.

 
at 6:49 AM Blogger Kitty said...

My dad was the same way as super-female-dog-mom. He would try to tell me she was a lesbian or a crook or some other kind of person than she is just to get me to stay away from her.

Funny thing is, all the things he said about her were really all true of himself. Especially the lesbian part :). Not just that, but my parents had raised me to be an open minded individual so when he started talking like being a lesbian was a bad thing it totally threw me for a loop. Then he started knocking on her cuz she was white?!?!! Hello... I passed forth from HER LOINS!??!

Anyways, parental tug of war isn't fun and you're completely "in the right" here - the parent that plays the "come here right fucking now" card all the time is not the one that is going to have thier attention for long. I pray your loved ones find their way home to daddy no matter how old they may be.

 
at 10:21 AM Blogger Kevin B said...

You are a TOTALLY AWESOME wife and human being for the feelings you have expressed on this subject. As long as your husband keeps the door wide open and lets his kids know at every opportunity that he loves them unconditionally, supports them, and is there for them, they will come back around to him eventually. They are always going to be drawn to him, and they will always need him in their lives. They will come home to Daddy. Spurious Plum and Kitty are absolutely right! Their evil Mom will pay for her crimes against their humanity eventually. Karma is out there. I know all of this from first-hand experience. You are not alone. Keep the faith!!!

 
at 10:23 AM Blogger Nessa said...

One day, the kids will know - they'll know the good man that their father is & they will come around. It may take 2 years, it may take 20. It's painful & sad & I'm so sorry ya'll are having to deal with it. As cliche as it sounds...what goes around, comes around...mom will get hers in the end.

 
at 11:47 AM Blogger Southern Fried Girl said...

Thanks to all of y'all for your support. This was something that has bothered me for a while and needed to vent about. I appreciate all the good wishes. :)

 
at 1:10 PM Blogger Who am I? said...

All I can say is don't stop trying to see those kids - no matter how much the disappointments hurt -- because years from now they could look back and say 'why didn't he call me' and/or "why did he stop trying" even if they do understand their mother's role in it...don't give up!

 
at 2:37 PM Blogger Christine said...

Ironically, while you were reading my blog, I was reading yours.
I don't know what motivates these women. What pleasure do they get from turning the kids away from a parent? That being said, I will say that when I told my son to call his dad on Father's Day the reply I got was "why doesn't he call me?" Well, kid it is HIS day and YOU are the kid. Kids can be awfully self centered at times.

 
at 1:33 AM Blogger beautiful face said...

Your story actually sounds like my older kid's step monster. I mean step mother. But then again, someone kind and nice would NOT marry my ex-husband.

 
at 9:58 AM Blogger Pissy Britches said...

Thanks for posting this. Some women are just fucking bitches. BOTTOM LINE. My husband has 2 kids that we now have custody of. BUT we didn't always have them full time. Boy when their mother was involved our lives were a LIVING hell every single day. It was the worst time of my life. Your only hope it that you and your hubby have instilled enough good in them that when they grow up and make choices of their own that they will make the choice to spend more time with their Dad. It would be a damn god awful shame if they didn't.

:)

 
at 2:28 PM Blogger Torrie said...

Completely off topic, BUT, I need your email address.

 
at 2:49 PM Blogger Lasadh said...

Speaking from personal experience, just stick it out with these kids. When they move out on their own, they will hopefully come to understand the true value of a loving, caring family.

 
at 5:35 PM Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

This just really sucks, my x his mother likes to say bad stuff about me to the boys when they are at his house, so now they just hate her and dont like going to his house. Why dont people ever understand that messing with kids minds and hearts is not what is best for them. People are so fucked up. I agree with the others who say keep trying and when they can make their own choices as adults hopefully they will come back into your lives

 
at 2:28 AM Blogger Annejelynn said...

I'm sorry, but I gotta tell ya...I read "no human children" and laughed my ass off!

 
at 12:56 PM Blogger Amy said...

What a Selfish, self centered, self serving woman. I am sure that one fine day she will be all alone to ponder how much she hurt people. Until then all you can do is what you are already doing. Good always wins in the end.

 
at 10:51 AM Anonymous lawbrat said...

Your a good woman. You love your husband. It hurts you to see him hurt. If it were any other way, I wouldnt like you. I DO like you. Woman that are jealous of the kids suck ass. My ex husband lives with his girlfriend, and she is nothing but good to my boys. They trust her. They respect her. I like that. I'd much perfer the kids liking a possible step-mom then hating her. You want you kids to go where they are loved. Your hubbys kids are loved with you two. One day, the kids will know who truly loves them, and whose playing mind games. When that day comes, I know you two will be there with open arms.

 

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