Friday, June 10, 2005

Things that fucking drive me....

This is probably a never ending post but I will try to confine it to the things that really just send my ass right the fuck over the edge.

1. Men who are losing their hair and in order to compensate decide to do the long hair in the back a la Michael Bolton. Guess what men? We are neither blind nor that shallow. Many women could not give two shits whether you might a little light on top. Just don't act like an absolute freak about it. Comb overs = ugly.

2. On the same topic, what the fuck is with the island of hair that some men get when they lose their hair? You know what I mean, right? They tend to lose hair in a sort of semi-circle fashion so that there is this small crop of follicles towards the front that just refused to die. In that instance, my advice to you is shave your head and be done. Or just get it cut super short - for those men who have the weird head shapes.

3. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT drive in the fucking fast lane on your cell phone blissfully unaware (or maybe you are not unaware of your actions and that is a whole other post) that I have driven up behind you like a damn bullet train and I am on my way home and I am craving taquitos and I want to get home NOW to have said taquitos and you, my idiotic road partner, are in my fucking way. If you are not going AT LEAST 70, stay in the middle or right lanes.

4. Here is an idea - hang up the phone. If I am in a store or heaven forbid, a restaurant, believe it or not, I am not enthralled with the fact that your stupid skank sister in law is cheating on your brother and that you TRIED to tell your brother what a ho bag she was years back but did he listen? Noooo, girl, he did not. I do not wish to be privy to anyone's cell phone calls. Make sure you hang the fuck up in the following instances: when you are trying to check out in a store, when the waitress is trying in vain to take your order, when you can NOT fucking drive with that thing attached to your ear, when, due to the phone conversation that is ever-so-stimulating, you are now unaware that your demon child has wandered away from you yet again and almost got taken out by my buggy.

5. Walking into a vapor of smell in the bathroom. Two words people - courtesy flush.

6. Dealing with law clerks (clerk as in still in law school, as in has not passed the bar, as in has not even graduated law school yet) who decide that because they are in law school, that somehow gives them license to be dickheads. Wrong. You don't get that courtesy until you pass the bar, darlin. And then we only give you leeway for about six months until your staff knocks your ego right the fuck back down.

7. People that run hot and cold with others. Example: I know someone who is like all fired up and in constant contact with their friends for a while and then all of the sudden POOF, gone. I know things come up, but have some manners. Treat your friends well.

8. When you are in a shoe store in need of new shoes, be aware of what size you actually wear. Not what size you want to be. There is nothing less attractive than a big ass fat foot wedged into some strappy sandle that is cutting off the circulation to the toes. Or better yet, the feet that hang off the front or back of a shoe. Oh God, let me not even get started with that.

9. Let the grass grow so long that we are now a neighborhood embarassment and then tell me that "Well, I have been busy." Agreed, but you were not busy two weeks ago WHEN IT FIRST NEEDED CUT. (If the husband is reading this, you KNOW this is about you. And yes, I am the grass Nazi.)

10. Sit in your office (when you are actually in, that is) and wax poetic on how incredibly busy you are and how we can not imagine the things that come across your desk, etc. All I see is someone who leaves early regularly and takes long lunches. I am sure that you work hard but shut up about it, ok? We are all busting our ass, so can it.

11. Ask me, yet again, when we are going to have kids. Everyone in my life knows that the husband has a vasectomy that needs to be reversed (to the tune of about $10K) so unless you are offering to foot the bill, shut up and we will get around to it. I am 31, not 91. While the uterus may be a tad dusty, it still can crank out a kid, all right?

12. Do the whole knock and then barge in thing to my office. If you are going to barge in anyway, just forego the whole fake courtesy of knocking.

13. Wait until I am PAST your office to call for me. I know and you know that it is a power trip thing that you are doing so just stop. Get the fuck over yourself and then we will be fine.

14. Talk about yourself in the 3rd person. I could take someone's fucking head off just for that reason alone.

15. Tell me that you are "sad for me" because I say that very little shocks me when I hear about the bad behavior about a man we work with. You know what, don't fucking be sad for me. I am not sad for me. I am, however, realistic. I won't go into what this guy did but it was pretty shitty. He is not a total dickhead. Sometimes nice, fairly decent men do shitty stuff. That is what I meant. Don't act like I need some sort of big ass group hug because I said that very little shocks me. Or I will tell you that clearly your husband has fucking issues that need to be addressed FORTHWITH.

16. Be in front of me at Wal-mart with a buggy full of shit and have to have 3 separate transactions because you have your welfare pile, WIC pile and then straight cash pile. Before you all have a fucking stroke, listen. If you need welfare or WIC, then get it. Absolutely get it. Make sure the kids are fed properly. HOWEVER, if you are front of me with 3 separate transactions for that purpose, you had best not be on your Cingular Razr phone that just came out and is $200 ON SALE with a 'do that I know set you back at least $80 with nails that cost you another $40. I come un-fucking-glued with that shit. Particularly when one of the children who is to be the benefit of this food is sitting there in shoes that have holes in the bottoms or their clothes don't fit right but you sure as shit look good in your brand new clothes from whatever fucking company/store is hip right now. I could smack the piss out of these women.

That is a good start on a complete list. Believe it or not, I am not in a horrific mood. I just started thinking of this stuff and decided to vent. :)

Please add your own personal pet peeves should you decide to comment.

Elizabeth at 2:49 PM

6comments

6 Comments

at 3:04 PM Shari said...: Dang, you go girl!! That is one damn long list--feel better?

This may piss some people off, but oh well. I have no sympathy for women in Wal-Mart on WIC and welfare. If you are that broke, then maybe you should have thought about something called a CONDOM or a BIRTH CONTROL PILL.

And yes, I completely blame the woman in an unwanted/unplanned pregnancy. It is your friggin body that gets pregnant, so take care of it.

Why does Joe Schmoe taxpayer have to pay for your stupidity?

I have been having sex for 13 years now and I never got pregnant. That's because I am RESPONSIBLE for myself.

Thanks for letting me vent SFG, I feel a little better now!! :)
at 3:04 PM Shari said...: Dang, you go girl!! That is one damn long list--feel better?

This may piss some people off, but oh well. I have no sympathy for women in Wal-Mart on WIC and welfare. If you are that broke, then maybe you should have thought about something called a CONDOM or a BIRTH CONTROL PILL.

And yes, I completely blame the woman in an unwanted/unplanned pregnancy. It is your friggin body that gets pregnant, so take care of it.

Why does Joe Schmoe taxpayer have to pay for your stupidity?

I have been having sex for 13 years now and I never got pregnant. That's because I am RESPONSIBLE for myself.

Thanks for letting me vent SFG, I feel a little better now!! :)
at 4:52 PM Katie said...: This list totally ROCKS! I actually know some people with said "island of hair" and this totally and completely drives me bonkers. Men, seriously, it is okay to be bald. 'Tis more pathetic to sport a fuzzy island on your scalp than to have a cranium devoid of hair!

Things that annoy me - I could write FOREVER just about people at work. I have blogged before about how I abhor people with their Blackberries. The stuck up 24 year old associates who stand in the elevator going through their stupid blackberry as if they are SO damned important. And then the stupid ass associate who calls me ALL the way over to his office on the other side of the floor, just to ask me to get him ONE file out of the file room across the hall from him, and could I please pick up the post-it that he just threw on the floor? I hate these asses.

Also, I hate the women who don't wash their hands in the office bathroom. You know they KNOW you are in the next stall, and that I can TOTALLY hear her walking out the door without turning on the faucet. Do these skanky attorneys really think they are above cleanliness? Do they think I REALLY want to work with a skank-ass who doesn't wash her hands? ANd it is ALWAYS the attorneys - secretaries always usually wash their hands.

And the women with the WIC and welfare at Wal-Mart is so annoying. And to top it off, the cashiers at Wal-mart are nimrods and don't know how to ring that shit up. And what REALLY chaps my ass is when I go into Wal-Mart, and there are 30 freaking registers, and there are 50 people waiting to check out, and there is ONE register open. WHAT THE SHIT?

Okay, I am done venting.
at 7:38 PM Annejelynn said...: k babe, after all that I hope you either got laid real good or you go get yourself a full body massage or sumthin!
at 7:50 PM Annejelynn said...: by the way...#16 is a HUGE HUGE HUGE I GET FREAKIN'ANGRY issue for me too...
at 8:46 PM Anonymous said...: To number 4:
I was a waitress for 3 years before coming to law school. A friend of mine tried to take a guys order about 4 times. Got the rest of the tables order, but dude wouldnt get off his phone. So, she got the others orders, and put the order in. She was walking by the table and he 'summoned' her over. He indicated he was ready. She said...I'll be back in a bit, I have to make a phone call..then left the table. All the servers were cracking up. Our manager were cool, and of course let the person know she would get a talking to...and she did. Next time they want to see it!!