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Saturday, October 01, 2005

Brace y'allselves (it's a word) for me being a selfish shrew

OK, so I love my father in law, right? I mean the man is just cute, ok? I mean he is like five three, a buck twenty AT MOST and Filipino. That is an equation for cute. How he managed to take any part in making my mammoth husband is a mystery, but I digress. So he inlaws have been sharing my humble abode for over a week now because Rita the whore fucked their shit up. The levee behind their house broke and their house is flooded and not in a good way. So here they are. It's not the FIL that's making my eye twitch. It's so not. He just sorta floats through the house, picks at food here and there and lets what is left of his hair stand straight up off his head in almost a halo fashion. He is so unobtrusive. Doesn't want to put anyone out, ya know? I mean, seriously, who could not love a tiny Filipino whose hair looks like a troll doll? Did I mention that on top of being so small that I could bench press him, he will bow up if you happen to touch his bicep? It's hilarious. If I touch his arm, he will flex and go "That's steel, babe." You gotta love it.

HOWEVER, (y'all knew this was coming, right???), my mother in law comes with the tiny Filipino package deal. Oh, she is a test. She is bossy, opinionated, loud, bossy, bitchy, pushy, did I mention bossy? Oh, and nosy. Oh, and greedy. So in the time she has been here, she has told my mother who takes four medications a day "Oh, well I am not a pill popper." Oh yeah she did. Pick your jaw up - it gets better. She has flat out asked me how much money we have gotten from FEMA. She has flat out asked me if we received money from the Red Cross and she does not want to be nosy but how much? She has FLAT FUCKING OUT asked me how much our check is made out for from the insurance adjuster who just left. I mean, what the fuck people. She can say what she wants about her being concerned about her husband since he was a cancer patient, blah blah blah, but I don't buy it, people. She is money hungry and when she found out that her insurance company would most likely pay out the policy limits since their house is a total loss, I swear I saw dollar symbols pop up in her beady eyes. She is running through that cash already. TRUST ME. This is a woman who will literally go out and purchase the same damn thing I have just because she is one of those immature people who is like "Well, she can't have that if I don't have it to, so I gotta shop." Case in point, I got my husband a really nice leather LSU jacket. Him loves him some LSU and it was a great deal and his Bday was coming so what the hell? I'm gonna pass it up? I am gonna go with no. Literally by the following year, she bought Mr. Vincent (that's FIL) a suede Saints jacket and then had the nads to say to me "Now Nonnie (that is what they call my husband - don't ask) is not the only one who has a nice sports jacket." Seriously. SERIOUSLY. Should we worry about that? She really is just that childish. Also, she is ready at a moments fucking notice to go on the defensive. She thinks every God damned thing is some slight on her. Um, memo to MIL, it is not all about you.

OK, so how can I begrudge her anything when the poor woman just lost her house? I know. I KNOW. I just gotta vent. I mean, I feel horrible. My poor FIL has lived in that house for over 40 years and worked his little body hard for those years working on a tug boat to pay for that. At this point in his life, to have to start over sucks big donkey dick. All his memories are there. He lived with my husband's mom there. That is where my husband and his sis grew up. It sucks any way you look at it. I am trying to remember that and not fly off the fucking handle when she asks me how much money we got from whomever. I really am. I can be a selfish whore. I ain't gonna lie. I mean, I can give to people and I like to do for people, but there is a part of me that is selfish and wants to tell MIL, "You ask me one more God damn time a question about money and I am gonna kick your rather bulbous ass out on the street, mmmmmmmkay?????" FIL can stay for as long as he wants. He requires very little - coffee, a place to smoke, food here and there (not much of an appetite on him), and a place to watch the Saints get their ass kicked while he states the whole time that this year they will go to the Superbowl regardless of their abyssmal record. God love him. MIL? That's another story. For my husband's sake, I am biting my tongue. Hard. I so better be getting Wife Points for this.

Elizabeth at 4:56 PM



at 9:50 AM Blogger Mary said...

I'm assuming that just saying "I'm not comfortable talking about money" would get through to her? Doesn't sound like it but sometimes the simplest approach is overlooked when you want to beat someone. :)

What does the hubby think about all this, or is he around to hear it?

Either way, I'm sending you some calming vibes. I will send a two by four if you decide you need it though. ;)

at 9:52 AM Blogger Danielle said...

Troll doll? OMG SOUTHERN FRIED!!!! I used to collect them!!! Whuu gurl u got your hands full!!!

at 5:33 PM Blogger Momentarily_Distracted said...

OMG your MIL sounds evil.
Yeah, I believe you have many a wife point coming to you.About a thousand at the very least. :o)
Hang in there.

at 5:34 PM Blogger Momentarily_Distracted said...

"Wife Points"...hilarious!

at 8:22 PM Blogger Pissy Britches said...

Okay..most of that 2nd paragraph sounds like my mother in law.
Fo' real. My 1st husband..yes, 1st husband, his mother was fabulous but he sucked. My 2nd husband..I luv him but his mother..I wish she would move to Alaska. I seriously cannot stand to be around her for 5 mintues b/c she is always making smart ass comments to me and people that I love. I feel your pain girl. I really do. I hope that I learn my lesson and now NOT to be a stark raving psycho bitch mother in law when the time comes one day.

at 9:09 PM Blogger Caroline said...

Muchos Wife Points to you! I wouldn't be able to handle it, I'd say something smartassed back to her. Keep up the good work girl, you only have to put up with her for a little while!

at 7:26 AM Anonymous lawbrat said...

Oh sweetie! My heart breaks for the hell you're dealing with. Many wift points for you. I wouldnt be able to keep my mouth shut. Love you girl!

at 11:46 AM Blogger Annejelynn said...

mucho mucho bookos (sp?) wife points! damn straight!

at 12:17 PM Blogger Nessa said...

ouch! And yah - lots of wife points!!!!

at 12:30 PM Blogger Kat said...

Major wife points. I hear you on the wanting to beat the crap out of your MIL. Mine is coming to visit for a week on Monday, we'll see how that one goes.

at 1:34 PM Blogger Michele in Michigan said...

My ex-MIL used to ask how much money we made, how much things cost us etc. My ex was the silent type who wouldn't have said shit if he had a mouthful.

So he surprised the shit out of me one day when his mom asked how much money we had in the bank. He looked her in the eye and asked, "How much do you and dad have saved?" She got all flustered & told him it wasn't any of his business. He smiled & said "And our money is none of YOURS." That was the end of it.

at 8:39 AM Blogger MsPerdie said...

LMAO!!! I'm laughing because I think that a lot of foreign women are like that. I think it's something about when they come to the states, and their "new" freedom, and seeing Americna women... I don;t know. We had a housekeper who was Phillipino, and we had trouble like that with her. She wa a mess too. Girl, good luck, keep your head up, and if ever you feel like knocking her block off, woosah.... Good luck!


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