Monday, October 31, 2005

Clarity

So I am dealing with some rather irritating issues right now. Well, irritating but ultimately good. I think. I was trying the working from home thing. Went horribly. I have no clue why this company lied their big fat asses off to me about the quantity of work that was available but they did, so I believed them and I am dumb. This is hardly news. Therefore I took it upon myself to try to drum up work on my own. That also went SWIMMINGLY. So I started brainstorming as to what the FUCK I could do to work and make money but not go back into an office environment. So I am taking a class in medical transcription online. I know (well, sorta know - I know her blog) someone who did it and it is not a scam and she is gainfully employed now from home. SCORE!!! So all is great in that arena.

However, this is fucking big time with my self esteem. i am a worker, people. I am not proud of this attitude but I possibly at one time sorta looked down my nose at women who stayed home - children or not. I totally was like "Jesus, go get a damn job - even part time, you lazy Bon Bon eating, soap opera watching piece of SHIT." As time has gone on and I have grown up a tad, I now completely get why people stay home with their children. Day care is a JOKE and expensive as hell. But I have no kids. We are doing this now so that hopefully when I am knocked the fuck up, we have the working from home deal in place and there is no lapse in time. I can pop the little one out and hopefully get back working at a reasonable time frame considering I won't have to leave the home. Sounds all very reasonable right? Well, this class is going to take me roughly 4 to 6 months. The literature I have read says 4 months but that means over Xmas and blah blah blah so at the outside, it will be six. I am going to bust ass to try to make it 4 so that I can get working ASAP because frankly, people, I can't take this any more. I feel like a loser. My husband is busting his ass working a kabillion hours at the station and at Job #2 for us to have money. I mean, we are OK financially because we have savings and the bills are getting paid since he is working like a dog but I can't help but feel like a big loser mooch. Don't even bother with the comments like "Well, if it was him, you would support him" or "Y'all are a team so it does not matter where the $$$ comes from." I know all this but that does not change the fact that I am not used to feeling the need to justify what I do all day and what I have spent money on. I know that I need to just get over this, focus on finishing this school deal as quickly as possible so I can regain some dignity and move on. I just had to vent a little. Here is the killer part - if we had a kid, I would not feel this way at all. I mean, I would have a reason for being here. However, with no one here but the pets (and let's face it, they need me like an extra paw) I just feel like I am expecting him to do it all. OK, enough bitching. I mean how bad can life be when I get to wake up every morning to this face since she forces me to share my pillow.

God I love that little face. What a priss.

Elizabeth at 10:21 AM

5comments

5 Comments

at 11:22 AM Elizabeth said...: Holy crap, I gotta clean those windows.
at 11:53 AM Kami said...: I hate cleaning windows.

I went through that for a while when we lived in Florida, and then I was all of a sudden knocked up. Maybe your time is coming...

And your furry babies would be lonely without you.
at 1:05 PM Nap Queen said...: I know that feeling. I stayed at home when I was with my ex (boyfriend) and I always felt like I had to ask for money even though he didn't care at all. I have this innate need to make my own $$ if there are no kids involved.

You cat is SO CUTE. I need to post some photos of mine. They get neglected on the blog.
at 6:33 PM Anonymous said...: Hey, girlie, what you are doing at home IS a service. I should know, I pay someone to come and clean my house twice a month....and if I could afford it, I'd have someone there all the time, fixing my meals, washing dishes and ironing. I know it's a crappy feeling, not earning bucks, but you are contributing to the household...I bet if you kept track of all the time you spent doing domestic chores, it'd work up to be at least a part-time job. Good luck with the online studying!
at 2:58 PM Froggylady said...: I know that I would feel exactly the same way as you do. You are a very strong person and are used to being self sufficient (even though hubby contributes or is most, I don't know) and bringing in your own dough. It's a normal feeling that you are having and you should try to enjoy it as much as possible before you do have to work.

Nasty cycle it is. When you're working you just want to stay at home and when you're staying at home you just want to work. Somebody should pay me for being me.