Sunday, December 11, 2005

Time to think

I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling how I feel. I'm so sick of being lethargic, of not caring, of basically hating any sort of movement. I have never been in therapy. Wait, that is not true. I went to couple's counselling with my husband right before we broke up a few years back. Other than that, nothing. I'm not sure it would help. I'm not sure drugs would help. What I am sure of is that this lovely thing is genetic. My mother has bad postpartum depression - bad enough to be institutionalized. She had a complete nervous breakdown several years ago. I now see myself going down the same path without the pregnancy. I am not going to bring a child into this madness. Adopting is not an option either being that I will probably fall the fuck apart and end up scarring the poor kid. I have way too much anger inside me. It would be incredibly irresponsible to foist my drama on a child. I already make my husband and mother deal with it. I am good at faking like everything is ok so no one else knows exactly how fucked up I am. I probably come off as bitchy maybe. Sarcastic possibly. No one knows what all goes on with me. I don't think I even know. I don't care enough to find out. I just want everyone to leave me alone.

Elizabeth at 11:24 PM

8comments

8 Comments

at 11:32 PM Melanie said...: I know this doesn't qualify as leaving you alone. Sorry. Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you. Feeling that way sucks. I always hated having to put on an act for others.
at 12:13 AM Elizabeth said...: Willie, not sure how a spam comment like yours got through but you just pissed me the fuck off.

Widow, I don't mean to sound like such a bitch. I don't necessarily mean for the blog world to leave me alone. It's hard to articulate how I feel. It's just not good.
at 7:58 AM Danielle said...: gurl thats totaly understandable, I have felt like that a times. I am sure things/feelings will change, hell the holidays are coming up and you need to getsda baken!
at 10:05 AM Kami said...: Girl, drugs and the BCP have helped me a ton. :)

((((HUGS))))

You have us to talk to. OOoh, hold on. Shooting you an e-mail.
at 10:42 AM Tammy said...: Pills are good! I really think they may help you. Believe me, I truly know what you are going through. Talking to someone will help too.
at 11:25 AM Shari said...: Awww, SFG, that post made me feel so sad for you. :( That is exactly how I was feeling this past spring and summer. And it SUCKS!!!

Girl, you really should go see a doctor. It sounds like you are just 'stuck' in this funk. Whether it be counseling or medication, doctors can DEFINITELY help you.

Depression runs very heavy in my family. And the best thing that ever happened to me was taking my husband's advice (in our first year of marriage) and go see a doctor about how I feel.

The doctor put me on Paxil. I was on it for 7 years, and I had no idea I could ever feel so good. And I realized I had been in a 'funk' almost my whole life.

A lot of people with depression have a chemical imbalance in their brain. To make a long story short, seritonin (sp?) is the chemical in your brain that makes you happy. If the seritonin is not taking the right path, it can cause depression.

If you need anything, girl, let me know. And please go see a doctor. You DO NOT have to feel like this.

((((HUGS))))
at 11:55 AM Kathryn said...: *not leaving you alone*
Call today and make an appointment to see your doctor. There is nothing wrong with taking some medication to help balance things out.
Keep on going, you're going to be fine, I promise.
I heart you!
at 9:55 AM Katie said...: First off, that Willie dude needs his ass seriously kicked.

Anyway, it is okay, SFG, to feel the way you do. I have struggled with anxiety, OCD, depression, etc. for years. There is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist - you would be amazed at the good it can do. I know you want to be left alone and not necessarily talk about it, but just know that we are all here for you! Except Willie, of course - he can go suck some Payday Loans/Cash Advance DICK! :-)