Tuesday, December 13, 2005

What to do

What should I do when I feel this way: logically know that I should go speak to someone, possibly get some drugs but don't give enough of a shit about myself or anyone else to do what is necessary? I just don't care. My husband is all pissed off because I have been such a joy to live with and he wants me to get help. I just don't care. "Don't you even care about us and being happy?" Surprisingly no. I still have enough lucidity in order to know what I should feel and to know that what I am feeling is not normal, but none of that spurs me into action. That is where the "I don't give a fuck" comes in. I don't want to deal with anything. I just want to be alone and not have anyone make any sort of demands on me. I have no desire to see friends. I have no desire to go to my dad's for Christmas. I have no desire to act all jolly and happy during this holiday season even though I know in one short week, I am going to have to. I would honestly rather get a bikini wax by a blind epileptic. I told the husband that I no longer have the desire to bring a child into this world knowing that I will be passing on these fab genes to them and I am not selfish enough to want to take a chance. It's an odd feeling - hating how I feel and wanting it to go away but not having the energy or enough desire to do the work. I hope it goes away. Actually I don't give a fuck either way.

Elizabeth at 1:40 PM

14comments

14 Comments

at 2:03 PM Danielle said...: I have been there and if yuo war having these feelings alot, you should go talk to someone. I don't like to take prescription things but somem ay help for you. If you feel you are feeling this alot it prolly wont go away on its own.

I luvya gurl. I would try and do sumthen to make u feel better.
-D
at 2:21 PM Tammy said...: Okay girl, you need to call a doctor. Do one of these things immediatly - call your GYN or primary care doc - get a referral. Or, get on line and see what docs your insurance has covered. Call one. Now.

I know that you say you don't want to feel better, but I think that you do. Even if you really don't, I want you too. So does your hubby and those who love you. If not for you, then for them, call someone today.

I promise you, you will feel much better for it.

Damnit, I wish we lived close. I would drive to your house and take you myself.
at 2:55 PM Mama Duck said...: I am the most proud and stubborn person you will meet. I would not call the Dr. and would not admit that there was really anything wrong. My DH dragged me into the Dr. and made me get drugs.

It was the best decision that was ever made for me and I don't feel bad about it all.

I'm with Tammy. Maybe we can fly there and kidnap you.
at 3:00 PM Tink said...: It sounds like you need to either vent or laugh. Perhaps both? Break something. Scream. Call someone who is guaranteed to make you laugh until you want to pee your pants. But don't sit still and let your feelings pool around you. It's OK to feel depressed. It's NOT OK to let it be the undoing of you. I hope you feel better soon!
at 3:08 PM Shari said...: Girl, I am really beginning to worry about you...you HAVE to go to the doctor.

When things you used to care about (like hubby, having a baby, friends) don't matter anymore, that is a very blatant, flashing-red-light WARNING sign.

I really feel for you girl....I know what it's like not to care, but you have to somehow find that tiny part inside you that does still care...and hold onto it and get some help.

If you ever need to talk PLEASE email me.

Hugs
at 4:12 PM SuburbanMom said...: I'm so sorry you are feeling this way :(
at 4:22 PM MilkMaid said...: I'm sorry you feel this way too.

You aren't alone and there is help. Get off your cute little ass and GO!!

Ok...tough love doesn't work?

Pretty please?

:-)

Really, like these other gals, ME TOO and it is the best thing I did for me. The talking to someone helped me more than the meds. It was soooo nice to find someone not connected to talk with. Validation is a freeing thing.

((((SFG))))
at 5:20 PM Lori said...: SFG - You are in a serious funk. I have had days/weeks/months like that where I just didn't give a shit about anything. Just going through the motions day by day. The only thing that somewhat got me through it is my kids. Knowing I HAVE to get up to take then to school, HAVE to go to work etc.

I've taken anti-depressants off and on for about 10 years. I've had times where I've been ok. And then there's the feeling of 'feeling good' and 'I don't need to take these pills anymore'. Big ol fucking mistake on my part.

Alot of my issues are also anger related (per your earlier post). I can go from OK to raging bitch at the drop of the hat. The medications I'm on now help both with the depression and the mood swings.

I can also relate to your mention of do I really want to talk to someone and or really look at this... I was in therapy in my 20's for several years. It did help some things and others not so much.

At this point, I just take my meds to even out the psyco-ness and keep me from hurting other people around me. No talkie for me.

PLEASE go see someone - for years I just got my meds from my OB/GYN. She said she's fairly regularly prescribes them for her patients. It may be the quickest and easiest (no psych doc) action.

HUGS and sorry for the long post.
at 7:16 PM Melanie said...: I was in a funk when I got my ob/gyn to hook me up with the Lexapro. Best decision I ever made.

Being waxed by a blind epileptic is the funniest thing I have heard in a long time!!!
at 7:20 PM Annejelynn said...: okay - this is NOT good. You need to just GO see a doc and get a prescription, which could make alllll the difference. You may not care now, but once on a different track, you'll feel better and differently - and differently would be better right now. Don't give up -
at 10:08 PM Anonymous said...: I wandered here via a friend's blog, read this entry, and just had to write.

You are depressed. Period. No amount of thinking or willpower or resolve
will change that. You may not be suicidally depressed, but you are
depressed. Your friends are right. Go see a doctor. Get a prescription (it
may take a few tries to find one that works for you---don't get
discouraged). See a therapist if you want. You don't have to feel this way
in today's world. Everyone has their little down times, but you are
depressed...there's a difference. You can't just "snap out of it".

I, too, am speaking from experience. I'm 47 yrs old and have been dealing w/
dysthymia (a chronic, low-grade depression---look it up online, read the
symptoms, and see if you don't see yourself) most of my life. I'm now on
medication and using full spectrum light therapy and feel human again. I
laugh, I get excited about things, and I don't have to pretend to be OK
anymore. That last was the loneliest feeling in the world.

I don't know you, but I took the time to write this because I know how you
feel. Please listen, and ask for help. If you can't rouse yourself to do it,
ask someone to help you contact a doctor, even drive you there if
necessary---there's no shame in that, and in your current condition, you're
not capable of making the best decisions for yourself. Over time that will
change, if you just take that crucial first step and get help.

Please do it. You deserve it and you're worth it. And I'm certain the people
who love you will be glad to have the real you back again.

Good luck.
at 10:09 PM Unknown said...: So you are depressed. All the classic symptoms.

I have been told that when one gets tried of being depressed he/she does something about it. That ain’t necessarily true.

I have been there—too often I have been where you are. And I was tired of feeling like shit and that didn’t motivate me to do anything about it. I had to desire to do something about it.

When you’re ready, take a look at http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/depression.cfm. Or, alternatively, contact me.
at 10:46 PM Kathryn said...: SFG please call your doctor immediately and go see her. Tell her how you are feeling and take some damn drugs. I promise you within a few days you will start to feel better. I've been there, I know how you are feeling and I want you to get the help that you need. Life is too fucking short to be miserable even one day of it.

I want you to e-mail me at recoveringstraightgirl@verizon.net!!!!
Do you hear me?????

We didn't watch you survive a fucking natural disaster and it's horrendous aftermath to watch you fall off the deep end. We love you, you Hooker Ass Bitch.
at 8:36 AM Bex said...: SFG, I am worried about you :( Please take hubby's advice. He loves you and wants the best for you. A visit to the doctor could help tremendously. Please take care of yourself.