Monday, March 20, 2006

Book 11 - Bitter is the New Black or Why You Should Never Carry Your Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office - plus a general update

I have been rather MIA lately but it's for all good reasons. First things first, I just finished this book Bitter is the New Black and I swear that this was one of the most hilarious books I have read in a long time. The title caught me and I read the back with my interest peaked. Basically, this young woman is at the top of her game - employed at a level where she makes mad money, living with a great guy who, despite Jen's (that is the main character) many character flaws loves her just the way she is, and living in a penthouse in Chicago that most of us would die for. Then 9/11 happens. She even manages to make that shit funny. Loses her job, then the boyfriend loses him and everything goes from there. I think I have done a shitty job describing this book because it does not sound in the least bit amusing but TRUST ME, I would be sitting on the couch giggling like a dork. And not from any meds either. I highly recommend. The author's name is Jen Lancaster. She even has her own website, www.jennsylvania.com. Go check it out and if you like her writing style and tone, I know you'll love the book.

Update on my life - Thursday I worked and ran to go get my hair cut. OK, I think I may have posted on this before, but my girl's business was fucked to the UP by Katrina (actually burned my looters - I so heart New Orleans) so she can't do my hair. My last visit was the one in which I posted how my instructions apparently prompted this new chick that I tried to give me a mullet-esque do. Um, no. So I tried another place. Jesus, what the fuck do I have to do or who do I have to give a massage with a happy ending to in order to find a girl who can cut hair and listen to instructions? Y'all, I swear that I am so clear. "Please cut about 1 1/4 inches off the total length with graduated, not choppy layers so that my hair is not terribly bulky which is how it normally would look if I just let it go." Is that not clear? I mean, please tell me what the hell I am doing wrong. Anyways, she cut it too short and now I look like Dorothy Hamill. You can suck my left boob if you ask for a picture of this, bitches. Ain't gonna happen, mmmmmmmkay?

Friday, the Momenator and I got up at the butt crack and drove to Vicksburg to visit my aunt and uncle (her brother.) Their grandson was there visiting along with his mom. He is the cutest kid in the world and always so damn pleasant to be around that it makes me wanna tuck him in my purse and bring him home.

Here he is riding his John Deere little motorized deal - complete with John Deere hat.

This is him towards the end of our evening. Aunt Sheri asked him to go get a diaper since he was going to bed. All day he wore big boy underpants, donchaknow. So he comes out with a pull-up and promptly put it on his head which led to me calling him a future frat boy. Damn, I love that kid.

Saturday I went to a birthday party for our friends' daughter who turned 13. One of my nieces, Darrian, was there so it was nice to see her. Overall I had a really nice time even though there was some pubescent strife amongst the girls later on in the evening (all the girls spent the night over there), but I mean what else could happen? You put that much hormones in one places and you see what happens. I am surprised the house did not combust. Anyways, Jessica, the birthday girl, had a wonderful time. Her mom cried about 12 times because she turned 13 and it was one of those momentous, my daughter is no longer a little girl, days. It was sweet, but poor Jessica was like "Mom, seriously get a grip."
Sunday I went to lunch with my friend Karen where we were waited on by one of the rudest waiters I have ever had the displeasure to encounter. His name was Whitney. Yes, HIS name. That is apparently a man's name to some women who want to pick their son's sexual identity from day one. (Just stop your hate mail right there. I am far from a homophobe so just stuff it before I get all rainbow on your asses.) Anyways, Karen and I sit down. Her husband is a restaurant manager of this very same restaurant in a different location. Whitney takes his time coming to greet us. Strike one. I imagine he had eyeliner to reapply. Oh, let me also add that Karen and I between us both have about 20 years of restaurant experience so if you are even semi-decent in your service, you are getting well over 20%. However, if you suck for no good reason and/or have an attitude, I won't hesitate to be a giant bitch. Then, when he brings our drinks, Karen orders us two appetizers despite my protestations that I imagined they were huge and therefore more entree sized. Karen said for us to just eat them, see how we felt and if we wanted more after, then go from there. OK, no problemo - sounds good. She expresses our wishes to start with these two appetizers to Whitney. He had the fucking audacity to go "To START?" Oh NO. No, you just did NOT, Whitney. Let me school you just a tad about how to wait a table properly. If two WOMEN are eating appetizers and they say to start (hence appetizer), you do not - either in manner or vocally - express your shock that two such winsome creatures would consume so much food as just a starter. You do not look so horrified that you think you will have to bring a trough to the two hogs at Table bliggity blah. You think quietly to yourself "Cha-ching!!! If they eat more, that means my per person average will be x amount thereby solidifying my chances of getting a greater tip." You do NOT act like we just said we wanted a side of beef. I mean, y'all know that I am hardly a size 2 - HOWEVER, I am not in any way huge. Neither is Karen. Karen busts her ass 6 days a week with a person God damned mother fucking trainer and Sunday is her day to eat what the fuck she wants, WHITNEY. So if she says that we want a vat of deep fried lard, WHITNEY, I say you curtsey and bring it to us, you flaming bitch.
Wait, what?
Sorry, I digressed. So, um, lunch was great. Whitney? Not so much. Whitney also has a lovely little comment card on its way to his manager. Yeah, don't fuck with an ex-waitress. I busted my ass for 6 years doing that shit and you know what, I had bad days all the time. When that happened or food took forever or I was just a dipshit that day and fucked up your order, I APOLOGIZED. I owned up and explained that my manager or I would rectify it now and what could he/she or I do to make this better. I hated my job with all of my being but I fucking did it to pay my bills and needed my job so when I encounter bitches like Whitney who so clearly think they are way above slinging a little hash for Sunday brunch, it makes me want to squash them into waitstaff powder. Go elsewhere and work at a make up counter where the rest of the snooty bitches work, WHITNEY.
OK, so the rest of Sunday, I did a little work and laundry. Nothing exciting in the least. I had plenty of time to work into the evening since Desperate Damn Housewives was a repeat again. Look, Marc Cherry, I don't know if this is you (the producer and creator of the show) or the station doing this bullshit, but I am over it. We went 3 fucking weeks without DH and we finally got a new episode last week. The very next week is a repeat? Um, I think not. Get on with writing some good shit because I am suffering from withdrawl. Grey's Anatomy, however, was the bomb diggity once again. I am very glad that Denny, he of the giant eyebrows, did not die. I really want him to get better and him and Izzy to go off into the sunset together.
Small aside - Mean Girls is on right now on Showtime. I love me some Mean Girls.
"Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen. It's not going to happen." Ahhhh, great flick.
Today I got up to get the Momenator to the dentist. I did all the grocery shopping, ran to the bank, ran to the post office, and then the drug store and came home. The hubs is finally back from a 7 day stretch at the station. He came home to a jungle where our lawn used to be so he spent his morning cutting grass while I ran all over East Kibbip doing this and that. Then he went to Job #2. He works hard but damn it, I have a Target habit that he needs to support. That was in the vows. I think.
OK, so I am going to get back to work now before I curl up on the sofa and sleep. The weather is all gray and icky - perfect napping weather. I have to be strong and slap the stupid headphones back in my ears and work. Later, bitches.

Elizabeth at 3:29 PM

6comments

6 Comments

at 9:22 PM Melanie said...: How cute is that kid????

I think Target was in my vows too. Or was that shopping in general?
at 8:14 AM Unknown said...: Nothing like a rude waiter to piss you off. Glad you sent the comment card.

I found that here in the Land of Snow and Cheese that I 1. have to pay a shitload for a nice haircut or be destined to wear a chick mullet and 2. will follow my hairdresser to whatever salon she goes to anywhere in town. Hell, I might move to another state with her if she ever took off. Why is it so damn hard to find someone good?
at 9:45 AM Tammy said...: You crack me up. I don't even know where to start. That is one cute kid. SO funny.

I can't believe the audacity that someone named WHITNEY had. What a loser.

What do you do with all of these books after you've read them? Hey - hook a sister up! :)
at 9:46 AM Tammy said...: Oh, and I'm so glad that Izzy broke up with the assclown doctor she was dating (or screwing). I love Denny.
at 11:39 AM Kami said...: Okay, that kid is cute.

When will you start reviewing fashion mags? Just wonderin'.

I hate shitty service! And like you, I tip BIG, and I am not a PITA. UGH.
at 12:34 PM Danielle said...: okay that hits home ebcause mt hairdresser just fucked my shit up i told her 2 inches she took 7 and cut it on a slant so the gurl iw ork with fixed it it went fromt hem iddle of my thigh to the middle of mybck! im pissed!