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Thursday, March 09, 2006

How to embarass the fuck out of a family member also known as ME

Imagine, if you will, getting a phone call say...oh, just now from the funeral home where they laid out your father in law. The funeral director is on the phone and says "Hi, Mrs. A, how are you?" After I respond and inquire as to his well being (all the while wondering why he is calling), he says those wonderful words that have such an ominous meaning - "We have a situation."


Let me preface this by saying that yesterday we got a call saying that the death certificates were in. Fab. The only person that could pick them up was the hubs since he had signed off on them. No problemo - I told them that he would swing by early this afternoon on his way to work and snatch them up. "Great" they replied. See how easy that was. You ask for a service to be performed. Someone performs said service. You say thank you with some amount of graciousness. It's all very civilized.

Enter MIL.

After the funeral director tells me that we had a "situation," I am then informed that MIL has called there (the way he said it implied that she has called there more than once) inquiring about said death certificates and was, in fact, acting an ass. Now this was AFTER they told us that the death certificates would take up to 30 days to get back to the funeral home from Baton Rouge due to there being such a backlog of death recordings since the storm. Well, shit happens, I told him I understood and would relay that message to MIL. Which I did. She made a face at the time it would take but I informed her that unless she wanted to hand deliver this shit to BR and then wait for it and drive it home, that was the way it had to be. Being that the woman will not drive OVER A BRIDGE, that was not gonna happen.

A small aside here. Have y'all consulted an atlas lately? Um, LA has water everywhere - the Miss River, the Intercoastal canal, Lake Pontchartrain, etc. Not driving over a body of water makes life rather difficult on those around you since we now have to handle any of your business that involves going over a motherfucking bridge.

ANYWAY, she apparently called the funeral home and was less than polite with the staff. I say that because why on earth would the funeral director take time out of his day to call me - clearly embarassed I might add - in order to request that me or the hubs do some sort of interference because she has been so incredibly rude to his staff. YEAH. All I could do was apologize and say that yes, I would have my husband call her immediately to let her know that the death certificates were picked up this afternoon and he would take them to her when he had a moment. The FD was clearly relieved that he could wash his hands of MIL. TRUST ME, DEATH MAN, I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

I mean, seriously, people, what the fuck do you say? "I'm sorry that this woman who has the same last name as me so I can't act like I don't know her is so unbelievely clueless and rude and uncompromising. I'm sorry that the words 'thank you' never leave her lips. I'm sorry that nothing is ever FUCKING ENOUGH."

Clear evidence that I have made the right decision in washing my hands of her and not trying to maintain any sort of relationship with her now that my cute FIL is gone. I truly think he would understand.

On a happier note, one of my fave blogs, Mean Coffee is the chosen blogger to be in the spotlight. Go say hey to her and find out for yourself how fucking hilarious she is.

Elizabeth at 3:09 PM



at 4:37 PM Blogger Pissy Britches said...

Please lord tell me that you don't ever have to speak to this woman again.
She is pathetic.
And I am being nice when I say ONLY pathetic but I am at work right now.

at 4:47 PM Blogger Nap Queen said...

"Trust me Death Man, I feel your pain." You are hilarious!!! I'm so sorry you're still having to deal with that ho.

at 6:01 PM Blogger A taste that's bitter said...

Why the hell is she in such a rush for a death certificate? Want me to kick her ass with one of my sausage legs??

at 8:30 PM Blogger The Kept Woman said...

I'm sorry...I know it's not my place to say this and all, (but you know I will anyway)...what a bitch.

at 10:58 PM Blogger Tammy said...

Now, SFG. Think about it from her prospective. She just MUST have that certificate. She can't get any money that may be tied up in FIL's name without it. And how's a girl to get around without that money??

(ducking to miss flying objects being thown at my head).

at 10:58 PM Blogger Tammy said...

Oh, and you know I was just kidding, right? Make her get on her rude ass knees and beg the hubbs for a copy of one. What a total bitch.

at 2:22 PM Blogger AL said...

Man, oh man! Sorry you have to deal with the drama of that witch, oh I meant to type Bitch. Oh, well both apply to her!

Good luck continuing to wash your hands of her. Might I suggest a stronger soap or acid wash to complete the job?!!?


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