Thursday, August 31, 2006

In my lifetime

Today I turn 33. Actually in exactly 59 minutes I will turn 33. I have already celebrated my birthday with my hubs and mom and I am not one for like a big deal being made, so today is sort of a quiet day. I just thought I would put down what I have learned in 33 years. This list could be short or long depending on what comes into my mind over the course of the day, so here goes.

-If you give a dog a ham bone and he eats like half of it, he will puke half his body weight the next day.
-Apparently having children is not what makes one's boobs hit the floor. I am living proof of that.
-You are never too old to freak out a little when your dad is having major surgery and you are like far away.
-I do not, in fact, know everything.
-However, I am like way closer to knowing everything than some of the dipshits I encounter on a regular basis so that does give me reason to feel superior.
-Marrying a man with children is just hard.
-Living in the same town with those children and their mother is the stupidest thing one could do. (Before you even go into what is "best for the kids" just suck it.)
-Expensive cars are not all they are cracked up to be.
-Pets make life way more fun.
-Gilmore Girls is just good tv.
-Actually giving birth to a child does not, in fact, make you an expert on parenting. The examples I could produce on this one are staggering and shockingly, right here in my town.
-Two ugly people somehow make cute kids. I no get that.
-The amount of butter soaked popcorn one eats at night is directly proportional to how difficult it is to get one's rings on the next day.
-Men do, indeed, think that laundry does itself, puts itself away and that we really have nothing to do with it.
-Fashion designers really do not get that not all of us are not the size of Jennifer Aniston.
-One's self-centeredness does not necessarily leave as one gets older.
-You teach people how to treat you. (Yep, that is straight from Dr. Phil, but holy hell is that true.)
-Sometimes members of your family make the absolute best friends.
-Internet shopping is truly the best invention EVER.
-Second to that are magazine subscriptions.
-Karma will so come back on everyone's ass. I have gotten my fair share for the fucked up shit I have done in my life, so I am hoping that perhaps she is done with me.
-You do not need to physically know someone to consider them a friend.
-Having your kids do chores is not putting them into slave labor. It is teaching them the value of work and helping them understand that everything takes time and effort.
-I really think that the minimum age to acquire credit should be 21 at the very youngest. That would have solved a lot of problems in my life.
-If you allow a man to hit you once, he will without a fucking doubt, do it again.
-Marriage is just hard. Worth it, but hard.
-You can pick your nose, you can pick a festering zit on your chin, you can pick your drawers out of your ass, but sadly you can NOT pick your neighbors.
-No one really gets me the way my husband does. That is a good thing and also quite sad for him that he has been reduced to how my brain works.
-I love nothing more than to revolt people by calling my Filipino husband a gook. I mean, that is big fun right there. (Again, my husband is 6'3" and could crush me like a bug so before you flip out about racial this and racial that, realize he could give a shit what I call him, so again, suck it.)
-I will never get over missing the beach. A real beach with waves. Not this sad shit y'all have in the Gulf. Those are NOT waves.
-OJ did it.
-My mom can drive me nuts in a way few people can, but she really does love me to pieces.
-I would sooner cut out my own tongue or never eat pizza again before I would admit I was wrong.
-Having every material thing you want in life does NOT bring happiness.
-However, being really poor at some point in your life does make one realize that money may not buy happiness, but it takes away whole piles of stress.
-True happiness is waking up to a fluffy cat ass in your face and a dog laying in your husband's spot on the pillow like a person all covered up and cozy.

***Edited to add***
When the ex-bitch calls your home, it is good to tell her one of the following:
-Sorry, but your exhusband is between my legs right now and....oh...oh my.....yes...yes....YES!!!
-He can't come to the phone because he had his mind erased regarding any time of his life with you in it.
-Oh, the hubs? He is at the travel agent right now booking our trip to none of your fucking business. Have a nice life, white trash. Boooo yah!

Elizabeth at 11:38 AM

21comments

21 Comments

at 12:05 PM Froggylady said...: happy birthday. in a quiet, non-attention grabbing way. may you continue to learn things for many many years.
at 1:13 PM Sarcasm Queen said...: Happy Birthday! One other thing - You can do a hell of a blog and keep me highly entertained. I may one day finally suck it up and do one myself.....
at 1:17 PM Kat said...: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

YEs, pets do make life more fun, and fluffy cat ass in the morning is such a special way to wake up. :P

You are so funny. :) HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
at 1:17 PM Terri said...: Happy Birtdhay.

Totally agree about OJ! LOL Loved how you tossed that in there!
at 1:24 PM Renee said...: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!
at 1:38 PM Monogram Queen said...: Happy Happy Birthday (said quietly and without fanfare of course)
You are a wise, wise woman!
at 1:48 PM Tammy said...: Girl, you crack my shit right up.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
at 2:06 PM Wendy aka Cheeky said...: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you call your hubby a gook - I call Mr. Cheeky Cracker! hehehe

You are all knowing and wise for your 33 years!
at 2:11 PM Cara said...: Happy Birthday! I'm soooo with you about not allowing credit till you're at least 21. That would have saved my ass too!
at 2:30 PM Unknown said...: Jaheezus...you are cracking my shit right up.

You should write one of those "Life's Little Lessons" books.
at 2:30 PM Finelly said...: Amen to NO credit 'til 21!
What business does a teenager have with one anyway? None whatsoever!
No, I'm not bitter or anything.

Oh and, Happy B-Day.
at 3:00 PM Kami said...: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BEEOTCH!!!!
Damn. How dare you keep this from me? I would have sent Josh Morrow over to jump out of a cake!
at 3:36 PM Annejelynn said...: HAPPY HAPPY MOST BLITHESOME ABSOLUTELY JOYOUS BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
at 4:16 PM Lucky Lum said...: Well hell I say any excuse to have a cocktail...
happy birthday sfg!!

love your "learned" list!
at 5:42 PM Kate Giovinco Photography said...: Happy Birthday To You
Happy Birthday To You
Happy Birthday Dear SFG
Happy Birthday To You

Hope you have a great day!
at 9:59 PM Nap Queen said...: YAY, happy birthday! You're very wise :) So true about pets. They just make life better.
at 11:19 PM Melanie said...: You are one of the few people that I can say HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY BEEYOTCH to and you will not freak out on me :)

Fabby list you have here. My birthday is coming up soon. I may just have to cut and paste parts of this.

And I disagree. I want the biggest freaking deal made out of my birthday. It's bad enough I have to share it with my FIL. I want a big production for MY day.
at 8:51 AM Pam said...: Happy Birthday!!!!
at 10:39 AM Fabnormal said...: Happy LATE birthday!!!! :)
at 2:46 PM Pissy Britches said...: Sorry I am late!
Fuck.

HAPPY MOTHERFUCKING BIRTHDAY!!
I heart you, you HAB!
at 11:07 PM Amy said...: I got too lazy to read the whole list, but I'm digging your "edited to add". You get to be my age until Sunday, then I'm old. I do it up big. Road trip to Austin???