Monday, October 09, 2006

The difficulty of family

***EDITED TO ADD***
I just went over to Celebrating Women's blog and found out I am their blog choice for the month. What a wonderful treat. I am really thankful. Clearly, saying "fuck" more than any other word does not disqualify a person.

Dealing with my husband's family is the biggest source of stress in our marriage. Other than that, we fight almost never - of course, stupid little tiffs here and there. However, when we do have an almight throwdown it is inevitably because of something going on with them and my response to it.

You see, here is the thing. I love my husband but he has his faults, one of those being an utter lack of confrontational ability and the balls to go with that. So when someone treats me like shit, one may think that with such a huge hulk of a man in my corner, that he puts the veritable smackdown on said person, right?

Um, not so much. He will tell me to not worry about it and move on. Lovely advice, but when I have made it clear to him that I expect him to take up for me when confronted with the complete hatred and disrepect that I receive and he opts to take the chickenshit way out, it tends to make a girl get a bit testy.

Truth be told that because of outside forces, we are unable to leave this place. My hubs job is here. We have a mortgage where if we sold tomorrow, we'd make no profit. Those two things make it a bit difficult to pull up stakes and settle in a different town far far far away from the constant negativity in my life. I know that by doing that, I'd be giving in to them and allowing them to dictate my life but guess what? I don't care. If there was a way to do it, I'd be gone. My sanity has to be worth something, right? Let them think what they want about us leaving.

Alas, that is not to be the case. I have to tough it out here. I am trying to make my peace with that. I know deep down that all I can do is try to live my life and own my own small piece of happiness. That is way easier said than done though.

I have thought to myself that if I had known all that lay ahead for me when the hubs and I first got involved, would I still be here? Would I have stayed? Honestly, that answer changes day to day. I'd say that 80% of the time, my answer is a resounding yes. But then, on those days during that really bad 20%, my honest and truthful answer is no. I'd run for the damn hills. It is hard to be optimistic when we have had to battle for every little thing we have. And I do mean every FUCKING THING. I am thinking back on the past 9 years and really nothing that matters to us springs to my mind as having been a relatively easy thing. Nothing. That gets tiring, ya know? It drains my well of goodwill.

I have sought solace in church. But all of this makes me question what good that is doing? I have prayed in every service, every RCIA class, nights in bed before sleep.....I prayed for peace. I prayed not to hate these people. I have prayed to find some forgiveness for them and for myself. More than anything, I pray for peace of mind. Peace in my heart. Peace in my life. It has yet to come. It is a struggle every day. I do not go even one day without thinking of these events and circumstances that make me so unhappy. Some days it comes in my brain and leaves not long after. Other days, it takes over. It seeps into every section of my day....leaving poison all over.

I guess instead of praying for the peace to come, I should pray for strength. Strength for me. For my marriage. For my husband. I hope that I get a better result. I need to know that someone is out there listening and that there is a reason for all of this.

Elizabeth at 3:18 PM

4comments

4 Comments

at 4:02 PM Kate Giovinco Photography said...: I know how hard you work at peace in your life. I hope you get the peace and happiness you deserve!
at 5:08 PM Platypus said...: Oh sweetie, you're having a hell of a time. I've been reading your blog since Susie sent us your way after Katrina and I'm not sure that I've ever commented before but I had to tonight.

You are so strong and I know you may not feel like it and that it's not fair that everything's such a big struggle but you WILL get through this. For all the people who give you grief, remember there are people all over the world (I'm in the UK) who care about you. Don't let them grind you down, they're not worth it. The absolute BEST revenge is succeeding despite the crap they put you through, trust me. xx
at 5:23 PM Kate Giovinco Photography said...: Yea for being the blog of the month!

So exciting!
at 8:05 PM Pissy Britches said...: I know you will find this hard to believe but I totally relate to this post with all my heart and soul.
Things are hard..you have to fight..you have to fight so hard for just the little things that other people just seem to get so easily. But you know what girl..that fight..if and when you make it through makes you a million times stronger than you were in the beginning. Monty and I have been through more pure SHIT than I care to admit but it is without a doubt the foundation of why our marriage is good.
It is all worth it.
Without a doubt.
Hang in there.
I heart you tons and miss you!