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Saturday, November 18, 2006


To the young girl sitting 5 rows down at the movie last night:

You know what, Tiffani with an I dotted with a heart? That annoying fucking cell phone that you keep opening and closing so that while trying to watch this shitty movie (an aside - skip the Return with Sarah Michelle Gellar) is bright as fuck and keeps distracting me. So just as I am watching Sarah Michelle drive in a truck that changes color midway through the flick, BEAM, there is you text messaging again. Seriously, I almost took your Razr/Crazr/Sidekick and wiped my ass with it.

To the young "man" who is still insisting on bumping down the street despite my earlier PSA:

Duuuuuude, you are on my last fucking nerve. I noticed that you don't come around as much. So, you tapped that already, huh? Yeah, I'm not shocked. Now go snag some penicillin.

To Jennifer Love Hewitt aka Wondertits:

Honey, you are a pretty girl. Seriously, you are. However, no matter how thick of eyelashes you glue on there, no matter how much you back comb your hair, no matter how many 40s style dresses you wear with your boobages at attention, you are NOT Audrey Hepburn. Let it go, sister.

To my neighbors of whom I have spoken in the past:

I seriously can not wait for y'all to LEAVE. The lovely TURQUOISE portable storage unit you unceremoniously plopped half way off your driveway into the grass separating our property is beyond the limits of tacky. Just when I think you can get no worse. Oh, and that dog that does not shut the fuck UP any time you all are not home? Yeah, can't wait for that fucktard to leave either. Need help packing? Want us to pay your first house note? Anything we can do - NAME IT. Just GO.

To Jefferson Parish?

Y'all suck for sending a $530 property tax bill right before Xmas. Luckily we have the money or I'd have to be going all gonzo on your ass. You still suck though.

To Tyra Banks:

OK, true, I have never once sat down and watched your show. Nevertheless, you and your giant sevenhead (too big to be a forehead) need to GO. The fact that you had a show in your freakin underwear is ridiculous. Seriously sweetheart, go get married and drop out of the biz, would ya?

I think that's it for now. I'll empty my brain later.


Elizabeth at 5:24 PM



at 7:00 PM Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Hmmm… It sounds as if you’ve not been encountering the greatest of folks. I hope you meet a better breed soon! Oh! As for property tax bills coming in November, I heartily agree with your message.

at 10:16 PM Blogger Shell said...

Ooooo...I've had a shitty Saturday too...how come it's MY Saturday and people have to be shit heads? I don't get it....

at 1:10 AM Blogger suburban mom said...

OMG you crack me up. I agree...I don't even think JLH is that cute. And she is trying way too hard now.

And try a $4500 property tax bill due 12/10. Ugh, ugh, ugh. Merry Effing Christmas.

at 9:20 AM Blogger patti_cake said...

Hey you did very good there. I heart PSA's.
You seriously should have smacked the text-messaging ho with her phone. Or a popcorn box. or both.


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