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Monday, December 18, 2006

Note to the world - get the FUCK

I am in a mutha of a mood - partly due to hormones that are not normal because of my self induced (very stupid) hiatus from my BCPs and partly due to external influences. Allow me to share.

-To the stupid fucking asshats that create turn lanes where there are none, thereby blocking the rest of us from getting thru interesections - I am gonna stab you in the neck.
-To my hubs. I love you but let's face it. On a good day, you do what? 2 minutes of work a day? Normally that makes me happy because no smokey, no firey, no dangery, right? However, if I should HAPPEN to call during the aforementioned 2 minutes, do not talk to me in a dismissive tone like I am somehow annoying you, or I'll stab you in the neck.
-To the lady at the Blood Bank. I know it's not your fault that I apparently need to know the last time my dad took a crap in order to make sure he gets the blood I am going to donate for him, but perhaps putting this info on your website that I did consult to prepare myself would have been helpful. Do this, or I shall stab you in the neck.
-To the incredily annoying little 20 year old shit talking loud on her cell phone at the Q. I am not interested in how "oh my god, this weekend was sooooooo, like fun" for you, so shut it or, here is a nutso idea, HANG UP, or I'll stab you in the neck.
-To the lady in line in front of me at the Q. I know it is technically winter and should be cold thereby allowing some women to forego on some of the maintenance that we do in the summer, like regular pedicures, but if you bust out the flip flops, how about sanding your hooves before you don them and save the rest of our retinas from having that image burned into it them rest of the day, or I will stab you in the neck.
-While we are on the subject of pedis, to the tiny Asian people in the nail shop. Sorry, perhaps I am a tad backward but I feel weird having a man to whom I am not legally bound massaging my feet and legs in the middle of a pedi. So if I request a woman, please do not give me a look and then proceed to launch into your native tongue to your other manicurists. Granted I have no problem having a man look up my hoohah for a gyne exam but that is different. Once your male pedicurist has an MD, then he can give me the hands on foot care? Feel me?
-To you who shall not be named, do NOT send me a Christmas card. Just DON'T. Oh, and yeah, it was ripped up and immediately deposited in the trash. Sure as shit was. Do it again, and I'll stab you in the neck.
-Oh, again to the hubs. Next time I ask you to do something and you sell me the fuck OUT by not telling your fabulous family what the fuck we had decided we would do (well, I brought it up and you never said no, so that is agreeing by proxy) you are on your damn own. I am tired of you putting all this shit on me, dude. TIRED. OF. IT. Last time I checked, it was your psychotic step-mother who went all apeshit on me via email. Oh and don't say "I know, baby...but..." No, you DON'T KNOW. My family? They love you, are kind to you. Shit, they could fucking hate your guts for all I know, but if that's the case, they keep their fucking traps shut, the way they should. So do NOT tell me that you know and do NOT get angry at me for not wanting to have to go over there and play all nicey. I am not happy about it and yeah, frankly I am pissed at you for putting me in this position. Do it again and .......well, y'all know the rest.
-

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Elizabeth at 3:21 PM

18comments

18 Comments

at 5:16 PM Blogger Tracy said...

*tiptoeing in and whispering*

Um, I love you! Lots! Please don't stab me in the neck! Merry Christmas!

*smoochies*

 
at 6:31 PM Blogger Cat said...

Ummmmmm Hi..Hope you are having a better day. take care!

*turning and slowly walk back out*

 
at 8:15 PM Blogger Tammy said...

Please don't stab me either.

Do, however, please keep writing these awesome posts.

 
at 9:16 PM Blogger Pissy Britches said...

Ok you know I totally heart you right and I am sorry you are having a moment
BUT THIS ABOUT MADE ME PISS MYSELF.
Stab you in the neck.
Priceless.

 
at 9:45 PM Blogger TBG said...

I love you SFG love ya! Oh I have a post like this as well people are pissing me the fuck off!

Oh and I am so pissed at fucking Williams Sonoma I will post about it!

 
at 11:52 PM Blogger Toes in the sand said...

You have GOT to feel better after this post! =D

 
at 12:36 AM Blogger Football Widow said...

That, my friend, was a fab post. I'm going to have to steal your stabbing in the neck saying though :)

 
at 7:57 AM Blogger A taste that's bitter said...

ooh girl...You better cheer up....or....I'm gonna stab YOU in the neck. :P

p.s. What you got against ghetto feet?

 
at 12:17 PM Blogger Alley said...

I have been lurking for a while and why I picked this post to comment, I am not sure. I hope today is better than yesterday and please don't stab me.

 
at 1:40 PM Blogger The Kept Woman said...

(I'm laughing WITH you, honey, WITH...not AT...hope you are feeling better...or at the very least have not stabbed anyone)

 
at 3:31 PM Blogger Kami said...

Again, this is why I love you. And I KNOW you didn't tear up MY Cmas card. Shit.

Stabbing people in the neck. I tell ya. That's why I love ya.

 
at 9:55 PM Blogger mist1 said...

The little tiny hands that stabbed my calves last week for my pedi were enough for me to consider going back to the nail shop with a male employee.

 
at 10:30 PM Blogger JD's Rose said...

I know it's bad, but I found that post so funny... that may be because I think the same way on most good days.

xxx

 
at 9:36 AM Blogger Cheeky said...

First off - YEAH I can finally comment now......

I can't stand it when people don't take care of their feet then wear sandals - ick!

So, lets see.....I bet you want a gold plated ice pick in your stocking don't ya? Stabbing in style...

 
at 10:18 AM Blogger Carrie said...

That was a serious rant. :) So very entertaining! :)

I didn't send Christmas cards out, so I'm good. :)

That last one - I almost thought my sister was writing it. :P

Hope things are better! :)

 
at 9:35 AM Blogger Sheri & SuZan said...

So...you need a set of knives for Christmas...

:)

Bwahahahahaah....I love you!

 
at 9:36 AM Blogger patti_cake said...

Girl I bow down to you ...

You TOTALLY put my PSA's to SHAME.

I heart you too so don't stab me, least not in the neck.

 
at 7:43 PM Blogger MilkMaid said...

ahahahhahaha, you are hell on the cutlery, huh?

 

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