Sunday, February 11, 2007

Brain dump - part deux.

I have decided that I need to start carrying around like a notebook with me. Almost a diary of sorts because as I go about my day, I think of a shitten ton of things I want to write about, vent about, bitch about and share with you, the internets, but when I go to sit and put fingers to keys and compose a post, I draw a blank and end up just blathering on about my day (which, let's face it, is normally pretty damn boring) or showing pictures of my furry children. While I can look at pictures of my pets all damn day and be nothing short of amused, I imagine you all would prefer something a tad more mind provoking than the Pooper dragging his ass on the carpet (he has GOT to stop doing that) or Reba putting her cat ass on my sweater. Am I right? Can I get an amen please?

I finally got an email today from the girl I call my best friend. Truth be told, if we go by most people's definitions of best friends, mine would be either the hubs or my cousin, Jen. However, Wendy and I have been friends since 10th grade and while I doubt she considers me her best friend, I plan to keep the friend hierarchy as is for now. Anyway, I was a tad put out because she has always been rather close to my dad and despite several emails and a couple phone calls, I had not heard a thing from her. Not even a quick "How is the Dad?" dash off email. Well, today I realized why. You see, this is gonna come as a shock to you all but I can be a little self involved. I'll wait while you gasp and clutch your chests in utter disbelief.

Done?

Mmmkay.

So I completely forgot that her sister was pregnant and due to give birth in a month or so. Last I had heard there was a chance the baby had some of the indicators of Down's Syndrome. It was not conclusive evidence, so they were hoping for the best. Turns out that Julie gave birth a month early and it looks as though Down's is not a problem but of course with the early birth, there presents a whole host of other problems. Premies tend to have problems with lung development for months, if not years. She is a wee little thing weighing less than 5 pounds and Wendy has called her Thumbelina. We both do that - the whole nicknaming of everything. So little Ashley/Thumbelina is okay but has a long road ahead. Poor little chick.

Work has been okay but I have had some computer issues and it has slowed me down considerably. While waiting for stuff to download or send, I end up surfing the net and then I get distracted by some story about how inane Bush is or I start shopping for a new purse and then 15-20 minutes has gone by, the report has BEEN sent for a while now and I am still sitting there. Consequently, my production this week sucked donkey dicks. Big ones. No bueno, girls. I got bills to pay. Purses to buy. Kohls trips to make. Sperm channels to reconnect. Think productive thoughts for me, would ya? Without cash, I don't get sperminated and a license to eat lots and be bitchy - unlike now when I am the epitome of slim and mannered. Shut it.

So I am driving down the street last night to go assist my girl, Karen, in chaperoning a middle school dance - more on that in a second and the phone rings. I assume it is the hubs because I generally force him to keep me entertained on the road, but it is a number I don't recognize. I am way too curious (read: nosy) a person to allow a call to go to voice mail so I answer. It's Mrs. DallasK to tell me two things - (a) I don't have an accent and (b) She was a wee bit lit up as she and Football Widow were on their way to go see a flick. That girl is too funny.

So the dance. Let me tell you something about me. I live across the river from New Orleans and Metairie, which is the largest suburb of New Orleans. I detest Metairie. It is traffic and giant SUVs and non blinker using soccer moms that can barely function doing one thing at a time yet try to do 14 things while driving and talking on their phones. Metairie makes my toofers ache, y'all. What do I hate more than Metairie?

Mardi Gras. Can you even imagine how I feel about Mardi Gras IN Metairie? Oh yeah. Big fun for SFG. It never even registered that it was the first night of parades when I agreed to drive my ass across the river (hate that as well) and chaperone a couple hundred middle school children while they dance to songs that they think are new (i.e. Take my Breath Away and I Love Rock n Roll) and generally take the first steps to becoming future pole dancers. The most startling thing about most of these young girls was how able they were to walk in what can only be described as stripper shoes. (Hint: If any single part of your shoe is see through, and this includes the heel, they are stripper shoes.) These tiny little chicks, who I was pleased to note dressed fairly modestly compared to what I am used to seeing at the mall, all strode across that gym in 3 and 4 inch heels like it was nobody's business. I would have busted my ass at 13. Shit, I'd barely make it 3 steps now, bitches. Not these girls. These girls got skeeeels, ya heard? It is only a matter of time before me and Karen see them on a drunken night in the Quarter coming down a pole head first only using their legs using the dancing name of "Tasty." Not that I know anything about that, of course.

Ahem.

So anyway, after the dance which lasted a total of two hours and from which I am still partially deaf, everyone and according to Karen's daughter, Karlene, EVERYONE was going to Cafe du Monde up the road to have beignets and coffee or hot chocolate. So off we went. We are nothing if not good sports. So we took Karlene and let her go in and hang with her friends. In a show of not cramping her style combined with the vain attempt of not being around any more 13 year olds, we went through the drive through, got our drinks and waited for Karlene to get tired which we knew would not take long because unlike the future Tasty's of the world, Karlene is a very tame girl and has a low threshold for excitement. We figured she had 20-30 minutes before she lapsed into a coma. Thank uppercase God she is a good kid. I was home a little before 11. Children, I have come to realize, annoy me. Most children anyway. I am quite thankful that my friends children have all amused me in some way, so the annoyance factor has never affected my relationship with my friends' kids, but other people's children? Yeah, they are no bueno. Loud, demanding little fucks is what I see. I am well on my way to being a stellar mother. No doubt.

So tomorrow, it is early mass and then back across the river (this is twice in 3 days if you are keeping track) to go walking with Karen at the park. I believe I will be bringing the Pooper with me and from there, we shall make the trek out to the beach in order for him to get some quality time with brackish water and to take a dump in the Gulf. It is not common knowledge but that is a damn good time in dog world. This is why he allows me to annoy him in the ways I have demonstrated on here and put clothes on him that any self respecting animal would have ripped my throat out for already. He is surely biding his time and will take me down in my sleep one night.

I think my brain is finally empty. I can now finish watching this movie, When A Stranger Calls (only my 15th time watching it), and get some much needed shut eye. Have a fab weekend.

Labels: Brain dump, Friends, Random, The Pooper, Weekend, Work

Elizabeth at 12:48 AM

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Sunday, December 31, 2006

Happy fucking new year and why I heart Pissy so damn much

OK, first things first - if you are toooooopid and don't know and love she who is named Pissy Britches, wander to that list over there ---------------> and click on that link and read today's post. I fucking love that HAB - all I can say on that. Made me laugh so hard I almost did the diet Coke nose squirt and began to wheeze. That's good readin' right there.

So I finally met my girl Karen for her birthday lunch. I gave her her gift and we enjoyed a nice gossip filled lunch. When I say gossip, I mean about entertainment crap mainly but we do still know a ton of the same people even though we don't work together, so we cover that. Girl cracks my shit right up.

Tonight I am going to some friends' house for New Year's. The hubs works but he can at least come over in the fire truck for a while. Can't drink though. The fire dept sorta frowns on lit up firemen. Go figure. However, they live only one street over so this bitch bought her some premade margaritas - 2 gigantic bottles - because my dumb ass can stumble home if need be. Might find me in a gutter 4 houses down, but whatever.

Well I do believe after I finish watching this Steelers game, I shall nap briefly, or not so briefly. Whatever. You all have a fantastic new year's. Be safe. Don't drink and drive. Have a 'rita on me, bitches. Latah.

Labels: Friends, Holiday

Elizabeth at 4:00 PM

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Sunday, December 17, 2006

Post in bullet

-Watching VH1's top 40 videos for 2006. I love me some Fergie. Ya know those girls who, no matter what they did (even if initially, it looked so dumb) they always somehow looked cool as hell? I think Fergie and Gwen Stefani were probably like that their entire lives.
-We had some friends over for dinner last night and had such a nice time. Our friend's daughter made a ham which was divine. Nice food, nice company, nice low key time - even if Dallas won. And is ANYONE shocked that T.O. spit in someone's face? I mean, really, wasn't it only a matter of time for that? I thought he had calmed down some, but I guess I spoke too soon.
-Brace y'allselves - I have NOTHING to do today. My house is clean (did it in anticipation of company), no lunch with Karen (she has to work) and I am not going to mass until this evening so that the hubs can come with. So it's me, some boys in black and gold and a book. I am so excited that I do not have to out in all this madness. God bless.
-I plan to call Pops today during the game. I miss him already even though I just left there a few weeks back.
-Mom is home from the hospital as of Thursday night. She is sore and tired a lot (Percocet will do that) but other than that, she's good.
-I had a dream about an ex-friend of mine last night. He and I used to work together and were such good friends and he sorta just dropped a lot of us who were really good friends to us and took care of him when he really needed it. I hope he is well, but I honestly have no clue where he even is. Sad.
-Found out from the friends last night that the horrible neighbors are not moving to a newly built house down the street but across the lake. Note to dipshit neighbors - Northshore peeps are way more conservative than here and will not deal with your trashy ways the way we have. I hope you have some KY because it ain't gonna be pretty for you all. Oh, and can you please move like tomorrow?
-I think I am FINALLY getting over some of my anger. There is still a shitten ton and a nice healthy dose of resentment in here, but I feel different. I am not sure what brought this on, but I am thankful for it because it was hurting no one but me. Wow, only 9 years it took. By the time I'm like 97, I should be aces.
-Remember how in Being Bobby Brown, Whitney Houston described Bobby digging in her ass as "black love?" Well, I do believe last night I reached new levels of kitty love. I was washing my face and I heard her jump up on the bathroom counter. Then the stench hit me. However, sometimes if he has just left a particularly rank deposit in the litter, her ass still smells even if she took care of biz cleanly. Alas, that was not the case. See, I put too much litter in her poop dome and therefore, Queen Fluffy Butt could not brace her chubby little body up high enough above the litter in order to deposit and then get out without making a mess. Poor thing had it all in her butt/back of leg hair. I mean, I doubt much was left in the litter. So what does a good mama do? Well, she cleans her daughters ass. And ass hair. She was NOT happy. However, she took it well overall. Poor thing. I think she might need a fanny trim. And Xanax.
-Gage and I just did full body stretches in tandem. How's that for being in sync with you pup?
-I desperately need a hair trim. My ends are just nothin' nice.
-I am giving the hubs an early Xmas present. I got him an LSU watch (yeah, I guess the big yellow helmet/mailbox was not enough) and he just broke his watch today so I agreed to cough up a gift early. Sucker say what?
-I have 2 movies to watch - Vanity Fair with Reese and Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic. I love Sarah so I imagine I'll pee myself for that one.
-Has everyone seen the iPod/Nike combo? That damn thing makes me wanna run almost. Almost.
-I got some of the cutest Xmas cards from the internets. Thanks to all who sent them. Loved them.
-So far, I am so digging this line up for the 40 best videos for 2006. I hope they release all these in 1 CD. That would save me some dollars. Of course, I already have Justin Timberlake, Fergie, Beyonce because having self control is so not me. It is only Xmas being like a week away that is keeping me from buying Gwen. The day it came out I had the shakes all day. Must. Have. The. Gwen. If I don't get it for Xmas, I will be out 12/26/06 purchasing it.
-Reba just hopped up on the arm of the sofa and wants to lay on the laptop so I guess all is forgiven. That is also a hint to get off here, so I'll listen since I violated my poor girl last night.

Peace...

***UPDATED TO ADD*** It's 11 AM and I am still in jammies. Hehehehehe....

Labels: Friends, Update, Xmas

Elizabeth at 9:14 AM

4comments