Sunday, February 11, 2007

Brain dump - part deux.

I have decided that I need to start carrying around like a notebook with me. Almost a diary of sorts because as I go about my day, I think of a shitten ton of things I want to write about, vent about, bitch about and share with you, the internets, but when I go to sit and put fingers to keys and compose a post, I draw a blank and end up just blathering on about my day (which, let's face it, is normally pretty damn boring) or showing pictures of my furry children. While I can look at pictures of my pets all damn day and be nothing short of amused, I imagine you all would prefer something a tad more mind provoking than the Pooper dragging his ass on the carpet (he has GOT to stop doing that) or Reba putting her cat ass on my sweater. Am I right? Can I get an amen please?

I finally got an email today from the girl I call my best friend. Truth be told, if we go by most people's definitions of best friends, mine would be either the hubs or my cousin, Jen. However, Wendy and I have been friends since 10th grade and while I doubt she considers me her best friend, I plan to keep the friend hierarchy as is for now. Anyway, I was a tad put out because she has always been rather close to my dad and despite several emails and a couple phone calls, I had not heard a thing from her. Not even a quick "How is the Dad?" dash off email. Well, today I realized why. You see, this is gonna come as a shock to you all but I can be a little self involved. I'll wait while you gasp and clutch your chests in utter disbelief.

Done?

Mmmkay.

So I completely forgot that her sister was pregnant and due to give birth in a month or so. Last I had heard there was a chance the baby had some of the indicators of Down's Syndrome. It was not conclusive evidence, so they were hoping for the best. Turns out that Julie gave birth a month early and it looks as though Down's is not a problem but of course with the early birth, there presents a whole host of other problems. Premies tend to have problems with lung development for months, if not years. She is a wee little thing weighing less than 5 pounds and Wendy has called her Thumbelina. We both do that - the whole nicknaming of everything. So little Ashley/Thumbelina is okay but has a long road ahead. Poor little chick.

Work has been okay but I have had some computer issues and it has slowed me down considerably. While waiting for stuff to download or send, I end up surfing the net and then I get distracted by some story about how inane Bush is or I start shopping for a new purse and then 15-20 minutes has gone by, the report has BEEN sent for a while now and I am still sitting there. Consequently, my production this week sucked donkey dicks. Big ones. No bueno, girls. I got bills to pay. Purses to buy. Kohls trips to make. Sperm channels to reconnect. Think productive thoughts for me, would ya? Without cash, I don't get sperminated and a license to eat lots and be bitchy - unlike now when I am the epitome of slim and mannered. Shut it.

So I am driving down the street last night to go assist my girl, Karen, in chaperoning a middle school dance - more on that in a second and the phone rings. I assume it is the hubs because I generally force him to keep me entertained on the road, but it is a number I don't recognize. I am way too curious (read: nosy) a person to allow a call to go to voice mail so I answer. It's Mrs. DallasK to tell me two things - (a) I don't have an accent and (b) She was a wee bit lit up as she and Football Widow were on their way to go see a flick. That girl is too funny.

So the dance. Let me tell you something about me. I live across the river from New Orleans and Metairie, which is the largest suburb of New Orleans. I detest Metairie. It is traffic and giant SUVs and non blinker using soccer moms that can barely function doing one thing at a time yet try to do 14 things while driving and talking on their phones. Metairie makes my toofers ache, y'all. What do I hate more than Metairie?

Mardi Gras. Can you even imagine how I feel about Mardi Gras IN Metairie? Oh yeah. Big fun for SFG. It never even registered that it was the first night of parades when I agreed to drive my ass across the river (hate that as well) and chaperone a couple hundred middle school children while they dance to songs that they think are new (i.e. Take my Breath Away and I Love Rock n Roll) and generally take the first steps to becoming future pole dancers. The most startling thing about most of these young girls was how able they were to walk in what can only be described as stripper shoes. (Hint: If any single part of your shoe is see through, and this includes the heel, they are stripper shoes.) These tiny little chicks, who I was pleased to note dressed fairly modestly compared to what I am used to seeing at the mall, all strode across that gym in 3 and 4 inch heels like it was nobody's business. I would have busted my ass at 13. Shit, I'd barely make it 3 steps now, bitches. Not these girls. These girls got skeeeels, ya heard? It is only a matter of time before me and Karen see them on a drunken night in the Quarter coming down a pole head first only using their legs using the dancing name of "Tasty." Not that I know anything about that, of course.

Ahem.

So anyway, after the dance which lasted a total of two hours and from which I am still partially deaf, everyone and according to Karen's daughter, Karlene, EVERYONE was going to Cafe du Monde up the road to have beignets and coffee or hot chocolate. So off we went. We are nothing if not good sports. So we took Karlene and let her go in and hang with her friends. In a show of not cramping her style combined with the vain attempt of not being around any more 13 year olds, we went through the drive through, got our drinks and waited for Karlene to get tired which we knew would not take long because unlike the future Tasty's of the world, Karlene is a very tame girl and has a low threshold for excitement. We figured she had 20-30 minutes before she lapsed into a coma. Thank uppercase God she is a good kid. I was home a little before 11. Children, I have come to realize, annoy me. Most children anyway. I am quite thankful that my friends children have all amused me in some way, so the annoyance factor has never affected my relationship with my friends' kids, but other people's children? Yeah, they are no bueno. Loud, demanding little fucks is what I see. I am well on my way to being a stellar mother. No doubt.

So tomorrow, it is early mass and then back across the river (this is twice in 3 days if you are keeping track) to go walking with Karen at the park. I believe I will be bringing the Pooper with me and from there, we shall make the trek out to the beach in order for him to get some quality time with brackish water and to take a dump in the Gulf. It is not common knowledge but that is a damn good time in dog world. This is why he allows me to annoy him in the ways I have demonstrated on here and put clothes on him that any self respecting animal would have ripped my throat out for already. He is surely biding his time and will take me down in my sleep one night.

I think my brain is finally empty. I can now finish watching this movie, When A Stranger Calls (only my 15th time watching it), and get some much needed shut eye. Have a fab weekend.

Labels: Brain dump, Friends, Random, The Pooper, Weekend, Work

Elizabeth at 12:48 AM

7comments

Friday, January 05, 2007

Batten down the hatches, boys, SFG done leaped head first into the 21st century.

Yes, people, I have given the green light....the go ahead, if you will....for the hubs to get DVR. Before you gasp, but how, HOW have you lived up until now with there being hour upon hour of TV that is flying by with nary a glance from me, let me just point out that I have no life, people. I am at home a LOT. So really, there ain't a whole lot that is getting by me. The only thing I miss is the most perfect show on the planet, Young and the Restless, but clearly God loves me because satellite has a wonderful channel called Soapnet. Ah, the beauty of Soapnet means that Y&R is replayed right at the moment I clock out, 6 PM. I always knew God loved him a good story. The hubs convinced me that we needed DVR. HAD. TO. HAVE. DVR. After watching him twitch and subsequently bang himself head first into the wall for a few months, I actually gave the thumbs up. Oh, and don't give me any shit about holding tight purse strings. You bet your fucking ass I do. Hubs has to submit a written form in triplicate if that bitch wants to buy so much as a piece of chewing gum. Then again, he has his own back account that I have no access to and see none of the cash from. Well, no wonder my ass hurts. Hmmmmm.....anyway, we have DVR as of January 22, 2007 - the first Monday they were available to come out. In addition to DVR, in order to save the whopping 5.99 a month in fees, the hubs talked me into purchasing the plan from the satellite company that will give us every single channel known to man. All the movie channels, all the sports crap, all of it. Guess why we got it? Well, there is some damn SEC shitten station that plays like LSU throwing the shotput or competing in distance spitting and the hubs must see it. He has to see it. For the love of fucking God, he must see LSU compete in midget bowling. So fine. We bought the 80 kagillion dollar package so he can because as he pointed out to me, if we have the mega package, we save 5.99 each month because they won't charge us for the DVR? Well, who the fuck am I to argue with that logic?

In other news, it is another fabulously exciting evening in the Casa De SFG. It's me, the mother, 2 cats, and a dog rabidly slobbering all over the largest chewy rawhide deal known to man. It is shaped like a candy cane but the damn thing is so big that when the hubs brought it home, he looked like a really tall Little Bo Peep with a hormone problem. It's that big. Now that the Pooper realized that it is not going to eat him whole, he has started in on it and woe be the poor cat who comes within a 10 feet radius of him whilst he gnaws. Basically, back off bitches.

I am hoping that I am able to blow into Houston in April for the next Blog Blowout, but as I have told the bitches, it all depends on the Dad. He has one more treatment in a week. Then 3 weeks after that, another PET scan, then one week for results. It will be at that point that we know whether he gets surgery or not. If he does, then I won't be here to attend a blowout. I will be in Phoenix asking my dad things like "Want some water? You need water. How about a cookie? Do you have to poop? Wanna poop? Let's go poop." So in a way, I hope to miss this blowout because it will mean pops is on the mend, but I sure do wanna meet y'all crazy ass bitches.

As I mentioned in my last post, Cowher retired today. Just made me sad. I heart him to pieces. I read the transcript from his press conference today and I actually got teary. Is that normal? The same thing happened when I walked into the room full of busts in the Football Hall of Fame in Canton. I was like overwhelmed because right there, like 2 feet away, was Franco Harris's face. I could like touch it and rub my boobs on it and shit. Not that I did of course. What? Shut up.

One more day of work tomorrow and then on Sunday, we are taking my niece out to eat and either to see a movie or go shopping. Her birthday was yesterday so we want to spend the day with her. Should be fun. I enjoy hanging out with her and her sister. Monday I don't have much to do except for steam clean the carpet. Isn't my life just beyond the scope of exciting? I know, try not to hate me too much.

Labels: Blog Blowout, Dad, Football, Weekend

Elizabeth at 9:53 PM

10comments

Monday, December 11, 2006

Book #57 - The Memory Keeper's Daughter and other shit

I finally finished this book today. It was such a good book and really well written. Not sure why, other than my love of all things fluff, that it took me so long to get into, but it was always good. Basically the premise of the book is a doctor delivers his own twins in 1964, the boy is fine, the girl has Down's syndrome. He sends the daughter away to be put in an asylum with his nurse. The nurse can't bring herself to leave the girl in this cold place so she takes her and keeps her as her own child. The doctor tells his own wife that while there was twins, that the daughter died. It follows all of their lives over 25 years. Very good read. Run out and grab it.

Weekend was quiet. No lunch with Karen since she had to work early. I did some OT this weekend to help at work and make a few extra dollars. Christmas is nuts, no? As much as I try to keep my budget, I invariably go over. Oh well, God bless overtime, am I right?

Saturday I worked and then hung out here. I watched 3 really great movies this weekend. One was Heaven with Cate Blanchett, then The Man Who Cried with Cate again, Christina Ricci and Johnny Depp and then this afternoon I caught An Inconvenient Truth. Man, that movie was amazing. Horrific and scary and startling. Regardless of political affiliation or your like or dislike of Al Gore, I highly recommend each and every person see it. The facts can not be disputed. I will be making changes to how I live my life. Bet your ass on that.

I also took another trip to Kohls Friday night since they had a nightowl deal going on. Got a few things. Sunday, I went to mass, to Target, Sam's, Walgreens and then home. I did a couple hours of work. Relaxed in the afternoon and took a snooze. Today, the poop and I went to the vet for his semi-annual visit which included a blood test, a fecal test (ouch) and then a physical. He did spectacularly well. Won the vet over as per usual. He was terrified that I'd leave him. I would NEVER but I guess in his tiny canine brain, I could take off at any second. Poor thing. As if. Then I had a dentist appt. No cavities. Yeah! However, I gotta floss more. I have been a major slacker in that area. No one likes tooth chubs, ya heard?

Well, tomorrow I have to be up at 5:45 to take my mother to the hospital for a hysterectomy. It's nothing serious but she'll be an inpatient for a few days. The hubs is working so do you bitches know what that means? Yep, this bitch has the house to herself. And we all know what that means.

Naked laps around the perimeter of the house.

I think I just figured out why the neighbors are horrified by me.

Labels: 50 Book Challenge, Update, Weekend

Elizabeth at 9:58 PM

1comments

Friday, November 10, 2006

My weekend - a preview

I'm sure y'all are just chompin at the damn bit as to what my plans are right? Well, currently I am working. Sorta. Then, the hubs is grilling us some yummy burgers for din din. Gots to love that. He is off today and had a doctor's appt for his diabetes and high blood pressure. The dude is 40 and falling the fuck apart. That is what I get for marrying a man that old. ;) Damn insurance best be paid up.
Tomorrow, I work, so does the hubs but then we are having a yummy Italian dinner out with the Momenator. It is not really a date night since we are bringing our own chaperone, but I'll take what I can get. We may go see a flick after - either The Return with SM Gellar or that Christian Bale flick. I could not give 2 craps what the Christian Bale movie is about. He's in it. Good nuff.
Sunday, the hubs works, so it's church for me, then lunch with Karen at Houstons. I so love that place. Then home to clean house and watch the Steelers play the Saints. They play them maybe every 5 or so years. Last time it was down here and I got to go. Steelers lost. Ask me if I gave a shit. They warmed up right in front of me. I almost shit. I felt like those psychopathic women who faint at the site of like Elvis or the Beatles. If I ever get to see a home game at Heinz field, seriously, I will have to medicate myself.
Monday is nothing special. The hubs works in the morning and I don't think we have any special plans after that. I may do some more Xmas shopping, but other than that, nothing major.
A quiet weekend. The type that I LOVE.

Labels: Weekend

Elizabeth at 2:22 PM

10comments

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

What I was doing while the bitches were blogger blow outing

Yeah, I missed the damn thing. Fuckity fuck. For once in my life it was not a money thing. I know, shocking right? It was a work thing. Since I am a new girl and my supervisor was very kind enough to allow me to muck up my schedule later on this month to go see my sick Pop, I did not feel comfy asking for yet more favors. Ya feel me? Does not mean a bitch was not pissed while working on Saturday afternoon because I KNEW y'all were out taking booby pictures.
So my weekend - let's think. Friday night after work, my mother and I watched yet more Gilmore Girls. We were so tantalizingly close to being done that we watched them all weekend to complete the final season so that we are offically in the knew of all things in Stars Hollow. Don't hate. So tonight when it comes on, I know exactly why Lorelai freaked the fuck out on Luke and the wedding is off. These things are important, ladies. Saturday, I finished work and then hit Sam's to buy bags of chicken, bags of salmon, and our Thanksgiving turkey. Then since my poor mom and I had literally been holed up in the house the bulk of the week, we went all crazy and had a quick bite to eat at Chili's. Got home and yep, you guessed it, more Gilmores. Shut it.
Sunday I was actually off, so we did the church thing. Um, color a Protestant so surprised that rather than getting in everybody's damn way while they tried to go up and have them them some Jesus, my dumb ass could have been going up and getting a blessing from Father Cracker all this time. Yeah, I had no idea. I was sitting there, well kneeling there, doing some praying while the hubs and all the other people not on the fast track to hell like moi were partaking of the holy wafer. So after finding out this tasty morsel (no pun intended), I went up for my blessing which was nice. I do like Father Cracker. He is good people. Then, of course, the closing hymn was one of my Dad's faves, so what does a bitch do? Starts crying in church. Mmmhmmm. I so know how to make an exit.
We then drove up to BR-town to take some things back to Kohls that I had purchased online but had arrived damaged, a frame and a candle. We get there, I finish my transaction and then begin to shop. Let me just say that prior to taking the two things back, I checked the frame area for that particular frame since I really just wanted to make an even exchange, but since I say things on the internet like "have them some Jesus" no frames were to be found. I shop a little and on my way out I decide to just do one more frame drive by to make sure that there was not another frame that would do just as well. Imagine my surprise when right there on the shelf that I plowed through not 30 minutes earlier, sat a frame - the exact frame I wanted. I look at hubs, he looks at me and I go "That is my broken frame." I pick it up, shake the box a little and yep, little tinkles of broken glass are making noise in there. I specifically said "I ordered these online but they arrived BROKEN." Is there a definition of broken to which I am not privy? Could that mean I just don't want it, but hey, it's in fine shape? Nope, they popped that bad boy right back on the shelf. What the HELL? So yeah, I emailed them when I got home and complained that even while having upper mgt in the store (I saw them while doing my return), clearly their stock people don't give 2 shits if they are putting broken merchandise on a shelf. Will that keep me from shopping there? Oh hell no, but I had to vent to them.
Then I got home in time to watch my boys in black and gold suck ass YET AGAIN. Really chapping my ass, them boys are. But we had a fabulous dinner of steaks on the grill, red potatoes and asparagus to make me feel better. Yum. DH and Brothers and Sisters were not repeats so the night ended perfectly. :) Yesterday I had carved out the entire day to do nothing. Over the last several weeks, I have run around every single day that I did not have to work doing something for someone and I was burnt. I literally laid around all damn day. We finished up the Gilmores for good in the morning, popped them in the mail. I finally took a shower at about 1 after my Us Weekly had showed up in the mail (score!!!). Then I completed my laying around. Took a snooze and waited for the hubs to come home. He was helping deliver voting machines since 5 AM in the morning. He finally got home and then we watched the bulk of the CMAs. All I really wanted to see was Sara Evans sing. She did not come on until like 9:30 but she looked beautiful as always. I have always thought she was so underrated. Her voice is fabulous and her songs and CDs are always great, but she never gets the attention of Faith Hill or Martina McBride. If anything comes out of this scandal with her idiot hubs, I hope it makes her more of a household name and helps her sales. She is one of the most talented for sure.
Anyways, that was my big weekend. Now today it's back to work. Let me know what you all did!

Labels: Update, Weekend

Elizabeth at 9:15 AM

7comments

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Hola

I'm here. I have not died. I just had a really busy weekend what with the hubs turning the big 4-0 yesterday and then having to watch the Jags hand Ben his ass last night.

For those of you who have not discovered the beauty that is MNF, let me just say that it is a thing of beauty. A thing to behold.

Unless your team sucks donkey dicks the way my boys did. Not only did they suck, I think they might have swallowed. Yeah, it was bad.

I'll do a weekend update later today. I have a conference call in like 26 minutes and this is my first one at this new job that means anything, so this should be interesting.

For those of you wondering, the big present for the hubs - that big surprise - is that I took him horseback riding. I took his city ass, well really, swamp ass out to the country and put him on a horse that begged for mercy. I have pics and will show them later. We had a BALL though and so plan to go back. It was big fun and my thigh muscles actually did fairly well all things considered.

Catch y'all later.

Labels: Football, Weekend

Elizabeth at 10:33 AM

10comments