Sunday, February 11, 2007

Brain dump - part deux.

I have decided that I need to start carrying around like a notebook with me. Almost a diary of sorts because as I go about my day, I think of a shitten ton of things I want to write about, vent about, bitch about and share with you, the internets, but when I go to sit and put fingers to keys and compose a post, I draw a blank and end up just blathering on about my day (which, let's face it, is normally pretty damn boring) or showing pictures of my furry children. While I can look at pictures of my pets all damn day and be nothing short of amused, I imagine you all would prefer something a tad more mind provoking than the Pooper dragging his ass on the carpet (he has GOT to stop doing that) or Reba putting her cat ass on my sweater. Am I right? Can I get an amen please?

I finally got an email today from the girl I call my best friend. Truth be told, if we go by most people's definitions of best friends, mine would be either the hubs or my cousin, Jen. However, Wendy and I have been friends since 10th grade and while I doubt she considers me her best friend, I plan to keep the friend hierarchy as is for now. Anyway, I was a tad put out because she has always been rather close to my dad and despite several emails and a couple phone calls, I had not heard a thing from her. Not even a quick "How is the Dad?" dash off email. Well, today I realized why. You see, this is gonna come as a shock to you all but I can be a little self involved. I'll wait while you gasp and clutch your chests in utter disbelief.

Done?

Mmmkay.

So I completely forgot that her sister was pregnant and due to give birth in a month or so. Last I had heard there was a chance the baby had some of the indicators of Down's Syndrome. It was not conclusive evidence, so they were hoping for the best. Turns out that Julie gave birth a month early and it looks as though Down's is not a problem but of course with the early birth, there presents a whole host of other problems. Premies tend to have problems with lung development for months, if not years. She is a wee little thing weighing less than 5 pounds and Wendy has called her Thumbelina. We both do that - the whole nicknaming of everything. So little Ashley/Thumbelina is okay but has a long road ahead. Poor little chick.

Work has been okay but I have had some computer issues and it has slowed me down considerably. While waiting for stuff to download or send, I end up surfing the net and then I get distracted by some story about how inane Bush is or I start shopping for a new purse and then 15-20 minutes has gone by, the report has BEEN sent for a while now and I am still sitting there. Consequently, my production this week sucked donkey dicks. Big ones. No bueno, girls. I got bills to pay. Purses to buy. Kohls trips to make. Sperm channels to reconnect. Think productive thoughts for me, would ya? Without cash, I don't get sperminated and a license to eat lots and be bitchy - unlike now when I am the epitome of slim and mannered. Shut it.

So I am driving down the street last night to go assist my girl, Karen, in chaperoning a middle school dance - more on that in a second and the phone rings. I assume it is the hubs because I generally force him to keep me entertained on the road, but it is a number I don't recognize. I am way too curious (read: nosy) a person to allow a call to go to voice mail so I answer. It's Mrs. DallasK to tell me two things - (a) I don't have an accent and (b) She was a wee bit lit up as she and Football Widow were on their way to go see a flick. That girl is too funny.

So the dance. Let me tell you something about me. I live across the river from New Orleans and Metairie, which is the largest suburb of New Orleans. I detest Metairie. It is traffic and giant SUVs and non blinker using soccer moms that can barely function doing one thing at a time yet try to do 14 things while driving and talking on their phones. Metairie makes my toofers ache, y'all. What do I hate more than Metairie?

Mardi Gras. Can you even imagine how I feel about Mardi Gras IN Metairie? Oh yeah. Big fun for SFG. It never even registered that it was the first night of parades when I agreed to drive my ass across the river (hate that as well) and chaperone a couple hundred middle school children while they dance to songs that they think are new (i.e. Take my Breath Away and I Love Rock n Roll) and generally take the first steps to becoming future pole dancers. The most startling thing about most of these young girls was how able they were to walk in what can only be described as stripper shoes. (Hint: If any single part of your shoe is see through, and this includes the heel, they are stripper shoes.) These tiny little chicks, who I was pleased to note dressed fairly modestly compared to what I am used to seeing at the mall, all strode across that gym in 3 and 4 inch heels like it was nobody's business. I would have busted my ass at 13. Shit, I'd barely make it 3 steps now, bitches. Not these girls. These girls got skeeeels, ya heard? It is only a matter of time before me and Karen see them on a drunken night in the Quarter coming down a pole head first only using their legs using the dancing name of "Tasty." Not that I know anything about that, of course.

Ahem.

So anyway, after the dance which lasted a total of two hours and from which I am still partially deaf, everyone and according to Karen's daughter, Karlene, EVERYONE was going to Cafe du Monde up the road to have beignets and coffee or hot chocolate. So off we went. We are nothing if not good sports. So we took Karlene and let her go in and hang with her friends. In a show of not cramping her style combined with the vain attempt of not being around any more 13 year olds, we went through the drive through, got our drinks and waited for Karlene to get tired which we knew would not take long because unlike the future Tasty's of the world, Karlene is a very tame girl and has a low threshold for excitement. We figured she had 20-30 minutes before she lapsed into a coma. Thank uppercase God she is a good kid. I was home a little before 11. Children, I have come to realize, annoy me. Most children anyway. I am quite thankful that my friends children have all amused me in some way, so the annoyance factor has never affected my relationship with my friends' kids, but other people's children? Yeah, they are no bueno. Loud, demanding little fucks is what I see. I am well on my way to being a stellar mother. No doubt.

So tomorrow, it is early mass and then back across the river (this is twice in 3 days if you are keeping track) to go walking with Karen at the park. I believe I will be bringing the Pooper with me and from there, we shall make the trek out to the beach in order for him to get some quality time with brackish water and to take a dump in the Gulf. It is not common knowledge but that is a damn good time in dog world. This is why he allows me to annoy him in the ways I have demonstrated on here and put clothes on him that any self respecting animal would have ripped my throat out for already. He is surely biding his time and will take me down in my sleep one night.

I think my brain is finally empty. I can now finish watching this movie, When A Stranger Calls (only my 15th time watching it), and get some much needed shut eye. Have a fab weekend.

Labels: Brain dump, Friends, Random, The Pooper, Weekend, Work

Elizabeth at 12:48 AM

7comments

Thursday, February 01, 2007

A long overdue update and one very bad dog

First off, this is my new purchase. I have mentioned on Lost In Suburbia's blog that I wanted a barn star a few times and I always have admired her decorating dealios she has going over there. So I found this guy on eBay last week or so. No, a few weeks actually. I think it is 36 inches across and that awesome burnt red color. I dig it.

What do you get when you cross this.....

......with this?

Answer: One very bad dog trotting down the hall carrying my STEELERS BEAR like it is his newest acquisition? Little fucker. I would string him up but he has no balls.

So anyway, my life. Yes, my life. Well, it's been okay. I have discovered the joys of talking to the bitches online. That, right there, is big fun. I have also been talking to Pissy via email while we both work and that hag took today off and I had to be all productive and shit. Bitch. Then, there is Tracy, aka Fuzzball, who cracks my shit up on the regular. I gotta say, you nutty ass bitches keep me sane.

OK, not sane.

Um, not homicidal. Let's go with that one. That is more truthful.

Today was Dad's final PET scan. Now we wait like 5-7 days to get the results. So again, think shrinkage, internets. Or maybe gone. How about gone? I like gone. Shoot for the stars, bitches. Personally if I could go in there and rip the tumors out myself I would.

Let's not even discuss what a skanky whore blogger was being today. Dude, what the fuck? How am I supposed to pass the time when I take breaks from listening to doctors drone on and on when I can't comment on blogs? On the same day Pissy deserts me because of a little snow. Pfffft.

Oh, and I have a cold. Nothing major. But from the neck up, it is Snotfest 2007. Nothing is funnier than having a sneeze sneak up on you and you let loose with such force that you scare the dog who is under the bed behind you and you hear his head make a very telltale clunk noise hitting the bed frame when he jumped from the noise. It is becoming more and more clear just where all his brain cells went.

I know it looks like he has been hitting the doobage and THAT is the reason for the brain cells jumping ship at such a rapid pace, but it is the constant blunt head trauma, I assure you. Nary a surface is safe - coffee tables, corners of walls, door jambs, and now bed frames. They all have dents from his melon making contact.

I blew off class last night due to feeling like ass. Could I have made it? Sure. I was not dying. I just was tired and felt ick-tastic and just did not want to bother. I'm sure God will get over it. He has bigger things to deal with. Like assholes. There are a lot of assholes in this world. He needs to smite them.

And SMITE THEM HARD.

Sorry, I digress. I had a very active evening of Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy. Plus of course my Y&R that I can tape now due to DVR. I will just spare you all the week long saga of my DirecTV vs. cable nightmare, but suffice it to say, I now have cable and DirecTV can kiss my lily white ass. Surprisingly enough, I am very calm and polite in dealing with customer service people and tech peeps on the phone because really, it is not their fault that the company they work for are direct descendants of the devil so why be an asshat to them? However, we are now involved in a billing dispute due to us supposedly breaking a contract. I will go and personally style Camel Toe Annie's hair before any of those cocksuckers see a dime of my hard earned cash. Booooooyah.

I have been taking craptastic care of myself lately. I gotta snap out of it and realize that this really bizarre, half curly, half straight hairdo I got going just is probably not the look for me. However, when I exit the shower with wet hair, do not take the time to blow it dry and then straighten it, and then pull the top half back, the normal curls and ponytail bump make it into some nightmare that Belinda Carlisle probably wore in about 1986. In other words, Kami would FUG my ass soon as look at me. It's no bueno, y'all. Starting tomorrow, I give a shit again.

Or Monday. Whatever.

So that is really all that has been going on. All is quiet on the homefront. I have not killed the dog yet. Despite his best efforts. Just keep the dad in your prayers or chants or whatever the fuck each of y'all do. Slaughter a sheep for him. I could not give a shit less. Do what you gotta do.

I'm out.

Labels: Brain dump, Gage, Update

Elizabeth at 8:46 PM

11comments

Monday, November 20, 2006

Brain dump

I can't believe that someone actually perhaps had an attack of the conscience and axed the OJ interview. It is also my understanding that the book will not be released either. I should hope not. I mean, how much more do the Brown and Goldman families have to take? Thank goodness it will just be not on. He does have his nerve though. Not sure how he lives with himself.

I was off today. Work should be quiet this week. Apparently my accounts for work have notoriously low volume during this week. However, I get paid on production so that sorta blows. Well, what can ya do? Hey if it is only this week and perhaps the week of Xmas, then no problemo. I got up today, cuddled with the hubs when he got home, ran to Target to pick up rx, picked up some soft drinks at CVS since they were on sale, then came home. The hubs made me a wonderful French toast breakfast and then I literally fell into a coma. The hubs left for work about 12:15 or so and I promptly knocked the hell out. I woke up at 3 in time to see Oprah drool all over Beyonce and Jamie Foxx. Turned that right off. I do very much want to see the movie - it looks fabulous. I just can't deal with O much anymore.

Finally took a shower about 5:30. I dusted the living room, cooked dinner, washed out bedding. That was my big day. I so friggin love days like this. Oh and the topper????? Charlie Brown Thanksgiving is on in 13 minutes. When Snoopy sets the table like he is dealing cards, it friggin slays me.

I am reading this book right now called The Other Woman that is basically about a woman who marries this man who is incredibly close to his family, specifically his mother. Long story short, at the point I am at, the couple split up because the mother of the man ended up having an accident with their child and the child ended up with a couple broken bones but some potential swelling on the brain (this all occurred because she failed to listen to the woman's wishes and leave the damn kid in his crib). The woman had been asking the husband to intervene on her behalf with the mother and her overbearing ways but of course he refuses - does not want to get in the middle. Sounds like a legitimate argument, right? However, I so understand this woman. I so get her. If I had a kid and allowed my step-daughter or anyone in his family, really, to babysit (hahahahahaha, um, NO) and she ended up inadvertantly hurting my kid, I'd flip. Of course it was an accident, but the problem was that the husband never took his wife's side. That has been a pervasive problem in my marriage as well. The answer was for me to remove myself from an entire segment of his life. It sucks that I had to do that though. It should have never come to that. I should have never had to cry about the treatment I received. The thing that kills me is that he has yet to ever sit his kids down or anyone for that matter and say "You know what, the way you treat my wife is bullshit. Frankly, it's too late to do anything about it because she is about as over you as she could be, but I want you to know that I hate how you have acted and I think it sucks." It has never occurred to my knowledge. I doubt it ever will.

No RCIA class this week due to Thanksgiving. We did get a new priest to help out Father Mike, thank goodness. Poor dude was working 15-16 hour days and ended up running himself down so much, he collapsed. New dude will be teaching our class. Met him briefly and he seems nice enough. I hope I continue to enjoy the classes, because so far, they have brought me a lot of happiness and understanding. PS - question for y'all. What does one get your priest or minister for Xmas? Do you give a gift at all? I believe I would like to considering he was also our teacher and has been so fab. I was not thinking anything over the top, maybe a giftcard for Starbucks since he seems like a coffee hound.

Lucy is fixin to screw Charlie Brown again. I so love that HAB.

I made two drafts of a potential Xmas card for us to send out with the Pooper on them. If they work out and you would like to see his highness in all his Xmas glory, just email me your address. He is nothing if not Pooptacular. Gotta see how they turn out first though.

Took all my Xmas totes filled with all my Xmas decor out of the attic today. :). Once I get back from seeing the Dadenator, I shall be decorated up. :) I leave Dec 1 and get back the 4th, so definitely by that weekend, my shit will be all up and fab. Love it.

OK, I am off to have a very Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. Catch ya later, bitches.

Labels: Brain dump, Random

Elizabeth at 7:41 PM

6comments