Friday, July 28, 2006

SPF - Mean shit

OK, so this took me for-fucking-EVER because Blogger was being a HAB. Anyway, Kristine wants to see the following:

-something mean looking
-our weapons
-our hiding place

Tell me this does not scare the life out of you. I mean, he is literally attacking my hubs. At any moment, he will roll right over, expose his belly, and beg for a rub down. Sends chills right down your spine.

I do this to him when he tries to sleep. Clearly he is just bad ass.

My weapon. I can kill with words. I don't tend to toot my own horn very often and I suppose this is something for which I should not really be proud, but if someone pisses me off enough, I can be NASTY. I will have shit flying out of my face that will cut your ass to the quick. I pull no punches, bitches. Luckily this happens almost never but certain people in my life should be aware that if they continue to piss me off, it's no holds barred.

Hiding place. When I want to escape, I read a book. I can lose myself in a book for hours. Let it be known, that the damn Reba book is my hubs and he won't let me donate it to the thrift store. Gawd. However, the Terry Bradshaw biography - all mine, bitches.

With said book, this is my literal escape. I love to be curled up in bed and reading. Especially during rainy weather. With the ceiling fan blowing. And the Pooper by my side. Ahhhhhh.....bliss.

So did you play?

Elizabeth at 10:20 AM

22comments

Thursday, July 27, 2006

SPF has to wait

Blogger is being a whore. I'll do it in the morning.

Elizabeth at 11:29 PM

4comments

Tagged by the Wild Woman aka Nicole

When did you first start blogging and why?
When I first started, I was just unhappy and sad and needed to vent. Never in a million years thought I'd still be doing it a year and a half later.

What don't you talk about?
I don't go into specifics about things about my friends. If they wanted to talk, they would have their own blog. I don't name names normally either.

Are you and your blogging persona the same person? Yep, don't have the time or energy to create an alternate persona. That seems like way too much work.

How do you use blogging to build friendships?
I had no idea I'd become friendly with any of you crazy bitches. I am glad I did though.

How would you describe your writing style? I write the way I speak. And I speak with a lot of use of the word "fuck." That pretty much sums it up.

I am gonna tag hmmmmm........Tammy, Terri, Cheeky, and Shell.

Elizabeth at 1:34 PM

7comments

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Book 34 - Revenge of the Kudzu Debutantes

The title of this book is what caught my eye. For those of you that don't live in the sweltering heat of the South, let me splain. Kudzu is a vine that grows at an alarming rate and takes over everything in its path - going so far to strangle the life out of anything that threatens to get in its way. Anyways, enough of a plant lesson.....

This book centers around 3 wives of attorneys in the small town of Ithaca, GA. Each of their marriages are shaky, but none of them realize just how close each of them are to losing everything - from their family to their kids to their financial security. Each woman has their own story and personality but come together as unlikely allies. They set a plan in motion to take back control of their lives and basically screw the husbands as bad as they have been getting screwed themselves.

I loved this book. The characters were hilarious. I tend to love when books are set in the South because being someone who is not native, there are certain things that I just don't get - certain nuances to lifestyle that I just so don't get. This was a really quick read and I enjoyed it thoroughly. I highly recommend if you like books with strong female characters and a fun story.

Elizabeth at 2:18 PM

Monday, July 24, 2006

So. Very. Tired

OK, my stupid ass was up for 6 AM.

Let me repeat that. 6 AM. I have never been a morning person. I have become less of a night owl/miserable morning person as I have gotten older and had to enter the working world. However, there is never a time in life that I bound out of bed at 6 all happy and shit to be alive. Fuck that.

Anyway, I got up, got myself showered and made up and dressed. Let me explain - I am not some Barbie doll with the make up. What I do wear is quite subtle and frankly I do it for me. The hubs has commented many times that he does not quite get why I put make up on when I am gonna literally be home all day on certain days, but it just makes me feel better. Same reason I go through the trouble to straighten my hair so that it ceases resembling a briar patch.

OK, so the web based training was cool overall. However, it is not me and a trainer one on one. It is one trainer with 9 of us in a sort of web-based conference call or something. Now, I am going to try to be kind here and not sound like a know it all bitch, but there are 2 girls in this class that are, oh how to put this nicely.....fucking stupid and have clearly never used a computer and think Windows are those cool things that let you see outside. On several occasions today, the trainer would finish explaining some really simple concept to DEATH and like clock work, one of the dipshits would press the button to indicate she had a question and would literally ask what she just explained, so again, they went over it. In the morning time, I was like "Well, ok - I suppose that it could not hurt to hear 3 times how to use fucking Outlook even though I have used it for the last 3 jobs I've had and at home." By the afternoon, once I caught on to whatever little deal she was saying, I busted open the book I am currently reading and waited for the genetic rejects to catch up. I have 2 weeks of this. The afternoon was better because at least they were doing things specific to my job and not just general computer shit, but still - nothing she went over today took a Mensa candidate to figure out. I'm sure Karma is out there laughing at me because at some point, I will be the moron going "Can you explain that again....for the 5th time?" but for now, I am going to sit very high up on my throne in judgment.

The point of my rambling is that I am a tired girl. The very cool thing about working here is that besides putting in a full 8 hours, I did 2 loads of laundry, folded and put away, as well as made lasagna and garlic bread for dinner. It's nice because when I was at the firm, I'd have to cram all sorts of shit into the evenings if I wanted to rest at all on the weekends. I never could catch a break. Now I am still tired but I can guaran-fuckin-tee that what needs to be done will be done by Friday and I plan to not move off this nice soft sofa on Saturday or Sunday - except for brunch with Karen. Did I mention my commute is 10 feet and that tomorrow I plan to do my make up while listening to Fric and Frac try to figure out our account specifics? Life is so good sometimes.

Elizabeth at 8:41 PM

14comments

New job-o

Today I start the web-based training for the new job. Can I even tell you how fucking cool it is that my commute is like 10 feet from my bed? I am still like all ready with make up and hair did, but it is so nice to know that I could literally roll out of bed and clock in if I want to. Love it.

I imagine I will be on information overload later so I shall try to update this if my brain is not fried.

If you hear a crazy sound at 11 AM Central time, that's me freaking the fuck out that I can't watch Young and the Restless to see if Nick is gonna rat out Brad and Sharon to his big toothed sister. Damn job.

Elizabeth at 8:20 AM

8comments

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Why we should never veer off the course that works

I meet my friend, Karen, for lunch just about every Sunday. Her favorite restaurant is a place called Houston's and they are known for good food and consistently good service. I can honestly say I have never had a bad experience there. We decided some weeks back to expand our culinary horizons a tad and venture out elsewhere. Yeah, today is like the 4th time we have gone somewhere different and we got the worst service of several bad service experiences in a row. This dude, Josh, took the damn cake. He was either high or still drunk from last night. He did not seem to understand the idea that Karen wanted neither oil or seasoning on her salmon. He brought the kitchen manager out to explain to her that oil was already on the veggies she ordered because apparently explaining that himself was way too taxing. He allowed me to shrivel up and almost die from dehydration before he refilled my drink. He never brought her salad until I about grabbed him by the lapels and made him either (a) bring her a fucking salad or (b) bring her another serving of veggies. He opted for (b). When we finally realized it was not going to get any better, we asked for the check. He asked us if we wanted it divided up according to what each of us ate and we explained that he can leave the bill as is, but that we will give him 2 credit cards and to please just take the full amount and divide it in half. (That sounds like the same thing to anyone who has never waited tables but believe me, our way is easier.) Ten minutes later, he came back with both credit cards and our receipts. No pen. I waited for him to happen by and never found him. I decided to go pee while Karen said she'd hang out to find Josh and get a pen. He never materialized. I came back from the bathroom and decided to go on a hunt for Josh. He was coming around the corner and I very bitchily asked for a pen. He gave one up after looking very put out. It did not write. Seriously at that point, I about flipped the fuck out. It was the one instance that I did not have a pen in my purse. So I went up to the hostess stand and borrowed hers. On our way out, I asked for a comment card but they did not have any. Karen grabbed the business card of one of the managers instead. However, when I got home I went onto their website and emailed them our lovely experience. I am curious to see what they have to say. Anyway, the point of this story is that Karen and I have come to the conclusion that we shall never deviate from Houston's again. We shall go there for every single Sunday until we are like 80. Going off the beaten path just gets us horrible service.

Elizabeth at 4:13 PM

Saturday, July 22, 2006

This describes me to a fucking tee

I'm a Mandarin!

You're an intellectual, and you've worked hard to get where you are now. You're a strong believer in education, and you think many of the world's problems could be solved if people were more informed and more rational. You have no tolerance for sloppy or lazy thinking. It frustrates you when people who are ignorant or dishonest rise to positions of power. You believe that people can make a difference in the world, and you're determined to try.

Talent: 36%
Lifer: 54%
Mandarin: 56%

Take the Talent, Lifer, or Mandarin quiz.

Elizabeth at 9:23 PM

4comments

Book 33 - Reinventing Mona by Lisa Coburn

See, told you I was close to being done. :) I just laid on the sofa this afternoon and knocked out the last 30 pages or so. Main character, Mona, is a very disenchanged engineer who is given the option of a nice buy out option from her firm and she is thrilled to take it. She realizes that since moving in with her grandmother 15 or so years ago after the death of her entire family in a horrible bus accident, she has not really had a life. She inherited her grandmother's estate but not the life that went on inside it. She sets about reinventing herself to land the love her life named Adam. She enlists the help of a man whose nickname is "The Dog." He writes a column about how men really think in a magazine that I am only to assume is based on Maxim. This story basically follows her journey into discovering parts of herself she did not realize were there and realizing that some things never change. I really liked this book and once I got past the first couple of chapters was eager to find out what happened to Mona at the end. I was not disappointed. Read it on an afternoon that you can spend on the back deck or patio with a cool drink and nothing to do for several hours.

Elizabeth at 7:02 PM

0comments

Book 32 - Prep by Curtis Sittenfeld

This was another book that I eyeballed in Barnes several times and just never bought. When I happened upon it in the library, I snatched it up. Score!

The main character, Lee, is a freshman in highschool at the beginning of the book. She is on scholarship at an elite boarding school and surrounded by rich kids. She is acutely aware of all of their differences and is so exhaustively aware of how each thing she does, says and wears is being scrutinized by unforgiving eyes. The story follows her through her 4 years at Ault. It was a good story and easy for me to relate to even though all the characters were so much younger than I am. Every female that has had even an ounce of insecurity will relate on some level to Lee. I recommend the book.

I also took a trip to the used book store. (I am becoming way more thrifty with my reading habit. $20-$25 a book that takes me 2 days to read is ridiculous, so I am now a big library whore as well as a hookah for the used book stores.) I turned in several books I have read over the last few months and managed to get myself the book I am currently reading (and almost done with) called Reinventing Mona and I also got the hubs 3 James Patterson books. The best part is that I still have a credit there so I can go pick out a few more books for free. I am all about the free. :)

Elizabeth at 5:17 PM

1comments

I'm an aunt!!!

My sister had her baby this morning. She gave birth to a healthy baby girl named Renna. Being that they are still at the hospital and my brother did not ask any of the correct questions, that's all I know. I do not know if she has a middle name or weight. I do know baby and mama are healthy. I wish I was there to see her and the baby but maybe I can take a trip out there soon enough. The above picture is my sister's baby belly when I was there in May. I can about guarantee that she is back to her tiny, petite frame. If she was not my sister, I'd hate her a little.

Elizabeth at 5:12 PM

Stolen from the Football Widow

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops? No, but they questioned me once as to why I had to many clothes in my car and I had just left the laundromat.

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters? No, I gotta see everything. Wait, I do look away when we are climbing that first hill because I can't deal with heights.

3. When's the last time you've been sledding? Years ago when I lived in Da Burgh.

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone? I never sleep alone. Even if the hubs is working, I have the Pooper taking his 1/3 of the bed and Reba shares my pillow.

5. Do you believe in ghosts? Not sure - possibly.

6. Do you consider yourself creative? No

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife? Um, is the Pope Catholic? Fuck yeah I do. Murdering bastard.

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie? Jen

9. Do you stay friends with your exes? No, but when the hubs and I broke up for 3 years, we actually lived in the same house 2.5 of those years. Yeah, we are weird.

10. Do you know how to play poker? Kind of.

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight? God no. I need my sleep.

12. What's your favorite commercial? I have not seen it recently but I did like that one for Nextell where the 3 guys are like dancing in the office and they are questioned as to where various shipments are and they all find out real quick and then go back to dancing. That slays me.

13. What are you allergic to? Nothing but I do have an aversion to dipshits.

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around do you run red lights? Not normally, but if I have to drive through the hood, then fuck yes. If the cops pull me over, so be it.

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you? Not that I can think of.

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees? Who cares?

17. Have you ever been Ice Skating? Yes

18. How often do you remember your dreams? Fairly often.

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried? I'm so sad that I can't remember!

20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles? Penny Lane, Sgt. Peppers (is that a song or an album or both???), shit, I guess not.

21. What's the one thing on your mind now? Is it absolutely imperative that I go shower today? I mean, I have no plans sooooo......

22. Do you know who Ghetto-ass barbie is? No, but I wish I did.

23. Do you always wear your seat belt? Yes.

24. What cell service do you use? Verizon.

25. Do you like sushi? Never tried it and I don't see me doing so in the near future.

26. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident? Yes. Some dipshit on his cell phone.

27. What do you wear to bed? Pj's

28. Been caught stealing? Oh, that is a whole separate post.

29. What shoe size do you have? 8.5

30. Do you truly hate anyone? If you have read this even once, then you know the answer to that.

31. Classic Rock or Rap? Depends on my mood.

32. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be? Matthew McC or Andy Garcia.

33. Favorite Song? Ever? Hmmm. I'm not sure. I like so many.

34. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror? Yes

35. What food do you find disgusting? Coconut and any sort of organ meat - liver, etc.

36. Do you sing in the shower? Nope.

37. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours"? Not that I recall.

38. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back? No, if I say something, it is something I would mess with my friend about to their face.

39. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew? Yeah, I have and it always causes me grief.

40. Have you ever been punched in the face? No!

Elizabeth at 9:39 AM

Friday, July 21, 2006

Meme given by Christine

Christine whose blog is funny and sad all at the same time gave us the task of answering these questions. Since I love nothing more than to blather on about myself and pontificate ad nauseum about my opinions, this is right up my self-centered alley.

1 If you had to set your own work schedule; 8 hours per day; 5 days per week. Which days and hours would you choose? I would work from 7-11 AM, take 11-12 off to eat lunch and watch Young and the Restless, resume work at 12 and be done at 4 - Tuesday thru Saturday. This is pretty damn close to my new schedule starting Monday so I am a happy girl.

2. What Reality Show would you be on and why? (stolen from J. http://ramblingsofamadpiggie.blogspot.com/)
The Biggest Loser. It would be humiliating to have my weight broadcast to the nation but damn if that shit don't work for those people.

3. What is the last book you read?
Prep by Curtis Sittenfeld

4. There are many songs that bring us back to a certain memory. What song(s) do you HATE to hear for that very reason?
D'yermaker by Led Zeppelin and the hymn Let there be Peace on Earth - second song reminds me of an old Sunday school teacher who died.

5. If you could go back in time to be any place in history, what time would you choose and what country/place?
I'd go back to the 80's in the US. I am really talented in making hair super big.

6. Do you know more than one language? Which one(s).
I speak very limited Spanish.

7. What is your favorite blog? Please link it. One only.
The whole linking thing fucks me up so I am just gonna type out the web address. My favorites change from week to week. I am going to pick my favorite newest blog and favorite goofy girl and that's Nicole at The Watkins World. Rather than type, just go click on her name over -----------> there.

8. What is your favorite web site?
I am always on MSN or CNN or various other news sites.

9. Your house is on fire, the people and pets you love are safe and you can grab one other "thing", what are you taking?
Make sure I had my wedding rings on -if not, go scoop them up. Sounds shallow, but really it's not.

10. You have $100 to spend in the next hour. How are you spending it? (Saving it or giving it away not permitted.)
Book store - that's too easy.

Feel free to steal but let Christine and me know. Gracias. (See, there's my stellar Spanish skills kicking in.)

Elizabeth at 3:56 PM

When an odd event puts things into perspective for me

First things first, my little sister is finally in labor. Poor darlin is a week overdue. I hope I have a niece by the end of the day. :)

I got an email from my ex-boyfriend today. He will write from time to time to, I guess, give me updates on his life. I have never cared if he wrote to me. I mean, I don't have like major hard feelings for him so it's cool. Anyways, he wrote me and let me know he is getting married. I am glad for him but kinda sad for him too. For reasons that I won't go into here because I don't feel like writing a novella, we broke up and from what little exposure I have had, the reasons are still very prevalent in his life. His life is pathetic in a very real way. He has a ton of money, stands to inherit even more, and works a great job (I think) in which he makes even more money. But that's it. His entire existence is what he has recently purchased. Even his wedding announcement was a list of how much stuff he is purchasing and has acquired and how much the trip to get married will be. (He is getting married in Key West.) I mean, not "I am so in love and happy" or "You would really like her" or anything even about his bride. NOTHING. OK, does this strike anyone else as just a little pathetic? He is not even inviting his fam to the wedding. Or hers. Now, I ran off and got married to but our immediate familes were there. I know his family - his dad is probably not pleased about this. It's just.....I don't know. I hope he is happy. That's all I can really say. Despite his unending list of annoying qualities, way deep down is a cool guy. I am sad for that guy, not Pimp Daddy of today.

Anyways, all that being said, I realize that despite all my bitching about finances and my hubs and my recent issues, I am a lucky girl. True, we fight. True, I could smother him in his sleep sometimes. True, we frequently don't have 2 dimes to rub together. But I love him and he loves me. Isn't that what really matters? It is so easy to get caught up in the trappings of life, the things that every person feels the need to have in order to "keep up," but at the end of the day, all that matters is that the person you are having dinner with and watching movies with and going grocery shopping with is who you really love. All the other shit is just gravy.

Elizabeth at 12:11 PM

6comments

Stuff Portrait Friday

Stuff Portrait Friday is the brainchild of that bride chick from California. Today she wants to see:

-Something that goes unnoticed
-A Wish
-Under our sink

This is Reba trying to go unnoticed while she checks up on me in the shower. She tends to sit on the counter next to the shower and poke her head in with a look of absolute horror on her face. She can't believe I am just standing there allowing the water to hit me like that. She looks at me like "I'm here for you, Mama. You are so brave."

My wish is that football season would just start already. We switched over to satellite earlier this year so that I could purchase the NFL ticket. I can not freakin' wait. Every single Steelers game. Yeah, buddy.

Under my sink. This is the sink in my kitchen. I have a shitten ton of cleaning supplies and I am here to tell you that I pretty much use them all for one purpose or another. I am anal like that. Some girls love shoes. You give me anything by Swiffer and I am your cleaning whore.

So, did ya play?

Elizabeth at 9:07 AM

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Dealing

I have always thought of myself as a relatively strong person. Of course, like anyone, I handle some things better than others. I handled that hurricane fairly well - the evacuating, the not knowing, the lack of communication with my hubs, not knowing if my town was being looted, etc. Lately I am wondering if perhaps I am not the person I think I am.

I don't handle yelling well. I was up late last night because I could not sleep. The hubs and I watched the very first Star Wars movie last night (believe it or not, he has seen none of them) so we are starting at the beginning. I was tired towards the end of the movie but when it came time to nod off for the evening, I was wide awake and my mind would not quit.

Earlier yesterday, the hubs and I got into a monster fight. Like huge. In recent months he has become someone that I don't recognize. If I were to describe him, the first thing I'd think to say is friendly and laid back. Well, not lately. Oh, he is still that way to everyone else. He is Mr. Fucking Congeniality. However, to me? He is Jekyl and Hyde. Sometimes he comes home and is his normal self. Other times, the other mean guy comes home. This guy is so angry. He yells at me like I am nothing. He freaks out over nothing. I can't joke with him or I get either the pissed off pouting man or the yeller. As stated earlier, I can't deal with yelling. When someone yells around me, I am not happy. I feel a physical reaction to it. Now when someone yells directly to me, I shrink in on myself. My immediate reaction is to curl up in a ball and hope they stop. I was never raised with yelling. Even through my parents' divorce, I never saw them yell. My dad and step-mom did not yell hardly ever. I am not saying there were not fights or disagreements, but that insane yelling shit just did not occur. So when people feel the need to holler for stupid reasons, I don't handle it well.

I don't talk about this very often, but I was backhanded by an ex-boyfriend several years ago. He was drunk and a loser and when I got in his face, he swung up and knocked me into the front door. Nice little knot on the top of my head. The police did nothing but that was hardly the point. My point is that I got over that physical altercation easier than the stress I am currently living under. When the ex smacked me, I was initially shocked, but then I got angry and came back fighting. I was never afraid of him. I am not saying that I think the hubs is on the road to smacking me. However, I can't deal with this man that showed his ass yesterday. After the horrible fight and the hubs was, of course, apologizing (in very much the same way that a physical abuser would) I told him that if he does not either figure out why he is so angry and get some help, I will not stay here. These past months have done more to harm my emotional well-being that the months leading up to me getting smacked by the ex.

So that is where we are. Things continued on after the fight as if almost nothing had happened. But the knot in my stomach is still there. I have blown off my stress as being from outside influences. Part of that is true, but I am positive that a lot of my stress is from him. I am breaking out. I am getting the eczema coming back on my eyelids. I can't sleep. The belly knot never goes away. If he does not get help, then I will be forced to help myself and leave. I do NOT want it to come to that because I know that this man I have lived with recently is not my husband. This man is so angry - at his ex-wife, at his kids, at the fact that his family is GONE and he is the last remaining member of his immediate family, that he has had to work so hard for the last several months, that my MIL is living her life like his dad never mattered, etc. I can go on and on. Please understand - I am not making excuses for him. This has been a hell of a year. Anyone would be a bit of a wreck. I don't dispute that his stress level has been in the outer limits. But his taking it out on me instead of on the people that deserve it is not fair. He refuses to deal with his ex-wife. He refuses to confront his kids about their behavior because he is afraid he will push them away more. You see where this is going, right? So, it is internalized and he lets loose on the one person he knows he can trust, me.

I have taken it because I figured that he needs support since this year has sucked so bad. Not any more. If he does not find an outlet for this anger (I personally would like to see him come un-fucking-glued on his ex, but that's just me) then it will not be my problem any more. He will turn around to have someone to yell at and lo and behond, I won't be there. I have walked away from abuse before and never looked back. I will not hesitate to do it again.

Elizabeth at 12:13 PM

22comments

Monday, July 17, 2006

Book 31 - The Falls by Joyce Carol Oates

This is a rather long book and the first I have read by this author. At first I was thinking I might be wasting my time and was all set to give up on it, but I ended up giving it one more shot and ended up liking it. Her style is a bit too dramatic, but her characters are super vivid and you can't help having a rather serious reaction to them. This story was about a honeymooning couple - the husband ends up tossing himself into Niagra Falls, where they are honeymooning, right after his first night with his new wife. Following a 7 day vigil to find his body, she ends up marrying an improbable suitor, a man who had assisted her during the time they were searching for husband #1. Of course both families are horrified by the speed with which she marries and she comes to the conclusion that her happiness if fleeting because she is clearly cursed, as evidenced by the first husband's suicide. It follows their lives and the lives of their children. There are a few subplots in there that really help to keep the story moving. I liked this book but she is not an author that I will run right out and pick up each time I go to the library. I figure I'll try her again, but for the time being, I would like something a little lighter for summer. I do recommend this book though.

Elizabeth at 10:10 AM

8comments

Saturday, July 15, 2006

A typical conversation in my house

I call the hubs most days when I get up because he is normally at work. So I call this morning and our convo goes something like this:

Hubs: You going anywhere today?
Me: I had not planned on it, but since you asked, I imagine I am now.
Hubs: Chuckling - I need you to bring me a new pair of pants and my medicine.
Me: Mmmkay, why more pants?
Hubs: Well, remember when your mom sewed that button on for me?
Me: Yeah.
Hubs: She sewed the button on the button hole.
Me: Huh? (Sounding impatient) What are you talking about?
Hubs: On the hole, dear. Like the wrong side. ON THE HOLE.
Me: Are you shitting me?
Hubs: No, you'll see.

And I did see. Yep, just as he described, she sewed the button right over the button hole. Here is the killer. They are button fly pants so she failed to notice the whole line of buttons on the correct side and just put it right over the hole anyways. I brought the pants home to show her and she does not believe that she did anything so dipshit-ish. She finally sees that she did, indeed, sew right over the button hole. She cracks up.

Just now, she brings the pants out here to fix them and goes "Well, I see why I did that - there's no hole." This is her vain attempt to redeem herself into not seeming like such a moron. I go "Mom, that is because you closed it up with your stellar stitch job."

She is still laughing.

Elizabeth at 5:36 PM

10comments

Yet another reason we should move

OK, my hubs is a fireman. Y'all know this, no? He has been a fireman for 14 years. He loves his job and I am glad he found something with which he can be happy since you spend the bulk of your time at your job.

However, (you SO knew that was coming, huh?) he works at the stupidest station in the damn world. Let me explain so that you can agree with me wholeheartedly and I can, once again, have it reaffirmed for me that I am always right. His station is a combination of paid operators and volunteers. Please allow me to first explain that I think volunteer firefighters are amazing men (for the most part). To spend your time and sometimes threaten your life just so that your hood is taken care of is truly going above and beyond the call of duty in my book. OK, that being said, my hubs has to deal with an inordinate amount of bullshit at his station. There are 3 guys at his station on any given shift. One would assume (at least I did) that the people with the power are the ones who are ACTUALLY EMPLOYED AND GET PAID BY THE STATION. Wrong. The chief - volunteer. The board - all volunteers. Yeah. All the decision making power is in the hands of a bunch of rednecks - none of whom are affected by any of the decisions that are made. I fail to understand how this is either fair or efficient. Oh, and you should see these Mensa candidates, too. Oh man. It's scary. I am gonna hazard a guess and say that perhaps there are 5 brain cells among the whole group. If my husband was at a normal station where the individuals who work there are the ones who achieve officer status, he'd have major seniority by now as well as probably a better paycheck. Oh, and let's not forget, he'd be working 25 years and be done with a nice little retirement every month. So in 11 years, he'd be free to do something else (or stay there) and get a nice tidy sum in the bank every month. But NO, not in our town. Hell no. It amazes me I have not started getting a nervous tic from the idiocy that I am constantly surrounded with.

It has been another eventful Saturday here. I got up and got myself ready, took some new pants over to the hubs along with all his medicine that he forgot this morning, stopped off at Walgreens and came home. I took a short nap and now am watching a truly fantabulous horror movie called "Jeepers Creepers." If you have never seen it, I highly recommend. I mean, it is CLASSIC. A perfect teen horror movie. I doubt that I do much that requires me to get my ass off this sofa until I go to bed. Yeah, I know. Don't be jealous.

Elizabeth at 5:02 PM

Friday, July 14, 2006

As requested, my update

Ok, the smack-down-on-da-exbitch dances y'all did - yeah, they did not work. Our reduction is MINISCULE. And now we have to pay 86% (don't ask) of the boy's uncovered medical expenses which amount to $42 a month or something - almost the amount of our reduction. I am truly past it. I was mad briefly but now I don't give a shit. In 2 years, we are shit canning that bitch with nary a warning. 23 months to be exact. If she does not like it, she can take our asses to court. If I don't stab her in the neck first.

OK, so the other appointment was not regarding the vasectomy reversal as many of you assumed. Well, not entirely. We were not like at a doctor or anything. We are trying to get our finances in order so we are attempting to consolidate some debt we have in order to get a better interest rate and therefore, a lower monthly note. If we do that, we will free up some monthly cash in order to take out a loan for the operation which costs around $10K.

I will let your mind wrap around that figure.

Here is the thing. My hubs makes pretty good money - especially considering he is a firefighter. Base salary is not shit. He works a ton of overtime and also carries a second job. With all of those factors, at the end of the year, he pulls in a tidy sum. However, after paying the camel-toed bitch and our house note, my car note, our bills, food, gas, utilities, etc - well, you see where this is going. That money goes quickly. I have the potential to make pretty decent $$$ on my new job which is cool. Anyway, my point is that we are putting the plan in motion to procure the money for the operation when we are ready to go ahead. I don't plan on getting pregnant for about 2 more years, but if we can get his operation sooner rather than later, then that is a huge obstacle out of the way. Until we are ready, I will just keep popping my pill (which I take because my body is a FREAK) religiously.

So that's the big thing. Just getting our financial house in order so that I can be a big walking uterus some day soon.

Speaking of walking uteruses, uteri??? my sister was due to spurt out my niece yesterday. So far no news. I hope all is well. I think I will be giving her a call later today.

So I am sitting around the other day just chilling and there is this super white guy walking up my driveway. Like WHITE. Makes me look tan as hell white. Turns out he was the assistant pastor of the church my mom visited this past Sunday. OK, I am all for church. I think that it CAN be a great place to learn and make friends and just get your shit together. Seriously, YEAH GOD. However, I do not like unannounced visits to my home by any sort of clergy. I really don't like for the pastor to ask me if I am 100% sure if I am going to heaven during said unannounced visit. I REALLY don't like for after the pastor asks me if I am 100% sure I am going to heaven and I said "Um, not sure" for him to sit down and point out Bible verses to me about accepting Jesus as my personal savior. Why, in seminary or theology school or whatever, do these people not take body language classes? I was clearly uncomfortable. I was clearly not enjoying the vacation bible school that was taking place at my kitchen table. Did he not see that? If I had asked him for some guidance or we were IN CHURCH or in Sunday school, I'd have been prepared to deal with that. I finally just headed him off at the pass and said "Holy crap, I misunderstood. Yep, I am saved. Big time saved. Double coupon clipping saved. Yep, that's me. Yeah God." I'm sure he did not buy that, but DUDE, I did not ask for your assistance NOR did I ask you to drop by my home un-fucking-announced. Am I now going to hell for lying to a man of the cloth? Yeah, probably. It did not help that he reminded me of a guy I dated whose very presence in this world makes my whole body tic. Suffice it to say, I will not be attending that church with my mother. Besides I am getting ready to do the RCIA classes to see if I want to join the Catholic church with the hubs. I am trying to cut down my use of the word "fuck" to less than 2 dozen a day. So far, so good.

Right now, the hubs is taking the boy to see that Tokyo Drift movie. Nope, I ain't kidding. When we saw the preview of that, it took everything I had to not turn to the hubs and go "Awww, honey, a movie where your people don't drive really poorly." He saw my snide ass comment a mile away and just turned to me and went "Shut up." No, my hubs is not Japanese. He is a Flip. However, just like I lump all us whiteys together and admit none of us can dance well, all the Asians go in one big bad-driving pot.

I am off to take 47 Tylenol Sinus because I think my head just exploded from pressure. Later.

Elizabeth at 2:32 PM

11comments

SPF - show us your piggies

The new bride, Kristine, wants to see our tootsies. I am nothing if not obedient.

Luckily in this shot, you can't see the 100 or so skeeter bites. Those little blood-sucking bastards love me. Bug spray means nothing to them. It does not help matters that they are so big here that they cast a fucking shadow.

Let me know if you played!!!

Elizabeth at 9:24 AM

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Update on my incredibly interesting life. Don't laugh, ok?

OK, so I am in a much better mood than I was in the last couple of days. Yesterday I spent a ridiculous amount of time with my mother at a local hospital type place in order for her to get a test. Big fun. I did see one of my hub's 9 kagillion aunts there and found out (please brace y'allselves for this shit) that my MIL is planning on having a....seriously, are you braced?.....a party for her upcoming anniversary. Yeah, that doesn't sound so bad, right?

Wait.

Oh wait.

Yeah, now it's coming to you.

Um, my FIL, the one to which she was married and had said anniversaries with, is DEAD. So she is planning on having a party celebrating that she is a widow. Um, I am not one to judge how another should mourn. I know that people deal with things differently, especially things that are difficult. However, is it just me or is that odd? As the hub's aunt said, "Is there something wrong with her?"

Today my mother had yet another doctor's appointment so we grabbed a quick bite to eat and then off to the appointment. It was not as appallingly long as yesterday's was, thank goodness. Then we hit the grocery to restock my really sad looking fridge and pantry. Then we hit Walgreens for the Momenator to grab another Rx. Now I am home innocently trying to watch disk 4 of Season 2 of the Gilmore Girls and the damn disk is fucking up. Why? Why? I ask so little of life.

Well, there is news on the child support front. It seems that we SHOULD get a small reduction in the child support but the actual amount is still up in the air until we find out exactly how much the bitch pays for insurance for the boy. That will affect what our reduction is. The better news is that the reduction, whatever it may be, is retroactive to the last day of school for the girl. Say prayers. Lots of prayers. We should know by 9:30 or 10 o'clock tomorrow. Central time. Keep sending the vibes people. Good vibes for lots of cash for us.

We also have a very important appointment tomorrow at 1. I am not going into details but it could be major for us. Think majorly good thoughts for that. In fact, this appointment is more important to me than the court in the morning so if you are short on vibes and can only give good vibes for one thing, then please pick this one. Does that make sense?

Oh man, I also got fabulous news. My annoying neighbors next door are moving. The stars have aligned I think. They must have because I am currently listening to him rev the engine of his motorcycle and it is like a spike going through my skull. That spike will be gone in March. God bless.

Well, being that the activity level that I have had to maintain for the last 2 days is way above what I committed to (which is sloth) I am behind on my relaxing, so I have to go get horizontal immediately or I might burn a calorie and that is not gonna happen if I continue to sit upright and type. I am almost exhausted.

Elizabeth at 8:05 PM

16comments

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Tagged by Territorial

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME:
1. Flying cockroaches. What the fuck IS that anyway?
2. Heights
3. My anger - sometimes it is all encompassing

THREE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME LAUGH:
1. My friend, Karen.
2. Ron White - comedian - he slays me
3. The hubs when he is being stupid.

THREE THINGS I LOVE:
1. My family
2. When the house is clean
3. My Pooper

THREE THINGS I HATE:
1. When something that is really quite simple becomes some ridiculously hard thing to accomplish.
2. Other drivers. Fucking MOVE, ok?
3. This whole thing people do to try to "out-busy" one another. You know what I mean - those people who act like they never ever have a spare moment to do ANYTHING because they are just that busy. Give me a fucking break, ok? You aren't the Speaker of the House - you are a regular person. (Clearly I have family and friends IRL that do this to me and I loathe it.)

THREE THINGS I DON’T UNDERSTAND:
1. Why there are so many women around here that have reverse anorexia. You know, they are way fat and dress like they are thin. Mmmhmmm, I love that.
2. The whole child support thing. I just simply don't get it.
3. How we make decent money on paper and yet we struggle every single solid month. Oh wait, see, #2.

THREE THINGS ON MY DESK:
1. Tons of bills.
2. Address book.
3. Calendar.

THREE THINGS I’M DOING RIGHT NOW:
1. Finishing this.
2. Waiting for Y&R to come on.
3. Avoiding taking a shower.

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
1. See Greece.
2. Have a baby.
3. See the bitch go DOWN.

THREE THINGS I CAN DO:
1. Bake just about anything really well.
2. Smile when I really want to kill someone.
3. Appreciate the small things in life.

THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY:
1. Really sarcastic.
2. Somewhat bitchy.
3. Anal-retentive.

THREE THINGS I CAN’T DO:
1. Go to sleep if I know there is a bug in the house until I see its dead carcas.
2. Let some things just go.
3. Stop being so angry - I hope that stops at some point.

THREE THINGS I THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO:
1. Your instinct. More often than not, you are probably right on the money.
2. Differing opinions - just to try to keep an open mind.
3. Me. I am always fucking right.

THREE THINGS I DON’T THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO EVER:
1. People who sound like they are complimenting you but are really giving you the verbal smack down. I hate that shit.
2. Rap music that makes women into objects that need to have champagne spurted on them. Yeah, that analogy is not clear at ALL.
3. Paris Hilton's opinion on anything.

THREE OF MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOODS:
1. Pizza. I'm a simple girl.
2. Steak done just right - on the grill, cooked somewhere between med rare and medium. Yum. And for God's sake - no steak sauce. If the steak is seasoned correctly and cooked right, you don't need that shit. However, if you are eating a hockey puck with no flavor, then by all means.....
3. Chocolate cake with chocolate icing.

THREE THINGS I’D LIKE TO LEARN:
1. How to stop taking shit so personally.
2. How to scrapbook
3. How to take a compliment gracefully.

THREE BEVERAGES I DRINK REGULARLY:
1. Coke Zero
2. Water
3. Sadly, that's about it. Oh, diet Coke if we eat out.

THREE SHOWS I WATCHED WHEN I WAS A KID:
1: Dukes of Hazzard
2: Dallas
3: Falcon Crest. Is it any wonder how I turned out to love soaps as an adult?

I am not going to tag anyone. Just let me know if you snag this so I can read your stuff.

Elizabeth at 11:54 AM

11comments

Books 29 and 30 - The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club and We Thought You'd Be Prettier both by Laurie Notaro

Laurie Notaro is one of the funniest authors I have ever had the joy to read. She is a columnist for a newspaper and takes snippets from her own life to write about. She comes from a Catholic family so she has all that guilt to deal with and neuroses stemming from same. She is a size 14 in a size 4 world. She has the grace of a wholly mammoth. She has absolutely no ability to censor herself when she should just shut the hell up. In essence, she is the girl you want by your side when you are having a hell of a good time and somehow end up getting arrested.

I highly recommend anything she has written. When I read her books, I sit and giggle quietly to myself or laugh out loud. The hubs has stopped asking what is so funny because when I try to tell him, it takes me at least 5 minutes of reading 3 words and then dissolving into laughter before I can get it out. I suspect that is way more fun for me than for him.

Elizabeth at 9:43 AM

2comments

Monday, July 10, 2006

General pissiness

I am going to just address this to all men, specifically my husband.

I love you. I really do. However, if you don't stop with the ridiculous passive-agressive bullshit and pouting and saying you will do things and then getting pissed off when I ask about them and being a general dick when you have to do something when you are good and fucking ready, I swear go GOD that I will start drugging your damn food to put you in a constantly good mood. You make it impossible to be around you. You pout with your lower lip stuck out like a damn child and when I am quiet and then stay away from you, you go "What's your problem?"

ARE YOU KIDDING?

Just stop it. I am tired of having to tippy toe around you when you decide to be in a bad mood. Everyone is entitled to a bad day but stop taking your shit out on me.

Here is something else. I put up with a LOT. I am not trying to be a martyr but if you would open your eyes for 2 fucking seconds, you'd realize that. If I ask you to take a fucking walk with me, don't say maybe or I don't know or here is my favorite, get pissed the fuck off just because I asked. Don't promise me that you will go with me and then never fucking go.

I am so tired of this. You are home a total of never since you work so much. When you are here, then be fucking pleasant or I will bludgeon you in your sleep.

Elizabeth at 12:26 PM

14comments

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Jambalaya, crawfish pie, file' gumbo

I got up off the sofa today.

Be proud.

Elizabeth at 6:55 PM

7comments

Master Rapper TAK

Y'all gotta watch this shit. I am laughing so hard that I may just pass out.

Elizabeth at 12:18 PM

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Unsettled and can't sleep

I am sitting here watching disk 2 of the second season of the Gilmore Girls. I finished Dawson's Creek finally and can't believe I made it through six seasons of it courtesy of Netflix. God bless em.

It is no secret that I am not thrilled with where I live. Let me be more clear. While I am very pleased with my home per se, I am not thrilled with my town or with the entire surrounding area otherwise known as southeast Louisiana. The whole hurricane was no fun but it has been the aftermath that has really killed the mystique of The Dirty South for me. I am just wholly disgusted. It does not help that we are in incredibly close proximity to this ex-wife and all that being near her entails. I would pretty much give anything to move. Truth be told, as much as I detest snow and cold weather, I would even go north of the Mason Dixon where things like snow and salted roads and white Christmases are normal things. And as much as I detest all things Bush or Dallas Cowboyish, I would even move to TX.

Well, I have to vent my feelings here because this is never going to happen. I shall be here for the rest of my days - spitting distance from her, in a town filled with people who will never think of me as anything but a home wrecking whore, in a place where I swear to God people still fly the rebel flag. Yeah, I'm not kidding. This place has changed me and not for the better. It is a constant struggle to maintain my old self - the self who did not jump to conclusions based on skin color or the way someone was dressed and gave people the benefit of the doubt. The self who was sometimes disillusioned but had faith in the idea that things would turn out ok.

Oh, I forgot to mention there is a good chance that we will not be getting the child support reduction that we thought we were due. The hubs attorney called yesterday and informed him that it appears he makes too much money. You know, that money he derives from working every single bloody day always. He is being punished for that. So it appears that we will be paying all this money for another 2 years. Please explain this to me because I just do not get it. Two children equals X amount of child support. One of said children turns 18 and that amount should go down, correct??? I mean, am I missing a link to this logic that would change that outcome? No? OK, then. WHAT THE FUCK????

Have I forgotten to say that I hate it here?

Elizabeth at 10:59 AM

8comments

Friday, July 07, 2006

Stuff Portrait Friday - she is gonna be an old married broad soon

I really had not intended on doing SPF today because I am tired and just really not into blogging today but I could not blow off Kristine on the eve of her nuptuals. So here you go....

-our love
-our honeymoon
-something blue but if you give her a sad face, she'll cut you

This is me and the hubs. I have used this picture before but I think it's cute and it is one of the very few with me in it that sits in a frame in my home. I have discussed before that I am the picture taker not the model. I detest getting my picture taken and when I do, I almost always hate them. However, this one does not gross me out too badly. I can truly say that I believe he loves me most in the world.

We got married on the beach in Destin. I can't dig up my pictures for whatever reason so here is the beach. I am honestly not sure what the condition of the Florida coast line is right now since they went through quite the hurricane season also, but in my mind, it's still beautiful.

Something blue. This is the beach at Santa Monica - where we had my sister's baby shower. I miss the real beach something fierce. What we have here on the Gulf Coast has no waves. I want waves, damn it. I love the sound. I love the feel. I love the smells of the beach. These little piddly ass waves we get here suck ass, but I will take what I can get, ya know?

So, let me know if you played. I will get there at some point, I promise. You GOTTA let Kristine know if you played. I imagine she is a tad busy today but still, hook a sistah up.

Elizabeth at 8:39 AM

15comments

Monday, July 03, 2006

Cuteness that giggles

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This is my little cousin that I visited over the weekend. His name is Christian and he clearly (a) has an affinity for his baby pool and (b) a complete and utter disregard to slamming his little body into cement. Ain't he cute though?

Oh, that cackling annoyance in the background - um, yeah, I have no clue who that is.

Elizabeth at 10:18 PM

Book 28 - What She Wants by Cathy Kelly

Long ass book - over 500 pages. As I have noticed with her other books I have read, it does take you a minute to get into her stories, but once you do, it really grabs you and sucks you in. This book once again centered around the lives of about 5 women, Nicole, Mary-Ann, Virginia, Hope, and Sam. There are some other less central characters, but those are the Big 5. Nicole is about to embark on a huge music career. Mary-Ann is the local pharmacist in a country town in Ireland and is sort of the mother hen of the group. Virginia just lost her husband the year before and purchases a huge home that used to be a B&B and is just sorting through her life. Hope's selfish husband drags her to this town in a vain attempt to attend this artist's workshop so he can write the great novel. Sam, Hope's sister, is a major career girl who has a life changing experience that provokes her to change her all work and no play life. Overall, it was a great book. Kelly's characters are always so vivid and you have no problem seeing them in your mind's eye. I so enjoy that.

I have to get these books back to the library as they are due today. I barely started the 3rd book I got from there, The Falls by Joyce Carol Oates, so I will have to renew that one. It is a fabulously rainy, gray day so hopefully I will get to enjoy some reading today.

Elizabeth at 12:31 PM