Monday, January 29, 2007

Some things never change

You know, I used to think that you really shouldn't judge people on their past actions. I mean, I've done some fucked up shit in my day. Who hasn't?

However, I have also heard that the best predicter of future behavior is past behavior.

Yep, well consider that lesson LEARNED.

Labels: Rant

Elizabeth at 8:06 PM

12comments

Friday, January 26, 2007

Open letter to Camel Toe Annie

Dear CTA:

Ya know, you amuse me. I almost snorted this morning when the hubs said you called regarding the check I gave you for the boy's medication. (Because, yes, internets - we pay for that as well.) While it was very kind of you to school the hubs in my mistake of putting one amt. in the box part and one amt in the written out part that shorted you $2, I have a hard time believing that you called in an effort to be nice so that my tiny itty bitty brain did not get so confused as to why the check cleared for the wrong amount. If you were really so worried about my checkbook activities being balanced, why would you hold on to 3 child support checks at a time before making a deposit? (Oh yes, bitches, you read that right. But she NEEDS the money, right? Puleeeeeeze.) Your explanation of holding them until you pay bills once a month does not wash either. Because 3 child support payments is 6 weeks time, sister. Wait, let me break it down for you. We pay every two weeks. Two weeks times 3 checks equals six weeks. (I had to do that, y'all. This is a woman who needed a tutor to take a general knowledge test to be a teacher's aide.) So please, save the explanation. The less I hear about you, the better. And also, don't worry about my checkbook. It is JUST FINE.

Oh, and PS - tight shorts? Yeah, they are done. So is the Farrah hair and one line of black eyeliner when you try to do yourself up. Oh, and the ugly purses. Really, I could go on an on.

Signed,
SFG aka The Bitch Currently Married to the Love of Your Life.

Labels: Open letters

Elizabeth at 12:53 PM

14comments

Thursday, January 25, 2007

SPF - My buddy

Kristine is having a bad day because the cute baby left her high and dry. So she wants to see our buddy. Funnily enough, one of the Pooper's nickname besides, well, Pooper, is Buddy or Bud. He responds to pretty much whatever. Provided I have food in my hand at the time. So here he is - in all his glory.

I really really really love my daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddy.

Um, I'm napping here....leave me be.

'Allo, mama!

Can I have a tater? Piece of meat? SOMETHING?

Me and my buddy - taking a little lay down during the games this last Sunday.

Happy SPF and go show Kristine some love since she is a sad girl today.

Labels: SPF

Elizabeth at 8:41 PM

17comments

Monday, January 22, 2007

You know what - shut it.

Yep, I'm pissed the fuck off. I am really growing weary of this shit y'all. Anybody who knows me even a little - even in this very limited way through thig blog knows how disgusted I was by people's responses to the hurricane. It truly brought out the absolute worst in many of the citizens that I am now forced to live around. It digusted me. It made me embarassed to say where I lived. I felt the need to say "Well, yeah, I'm right outside of NO, but really it's across the river - a whole other world" because I was HORRIFIED when I saw those fucktards carrying tvs down Canal Street (to plug into WHAT was the mystery) and the asshats with 40 pairs of Nikes.

But you know what, bitches?

None of y'all lived here. None of y'all lived through this. So when I get emails from FAMILY MEMBERS outlining how horrible the citizens of NO are because we dared ask for help from the federal government for the LARGEST CATASTROPHE TO HAPPEN ON US SOIL EVER and some fucking middle state never asked for a dime from a snow storm, I get a little fucking pissed off. The damage to my house was MINIMAL. I am talking a drop in the fucking bucket. I was home in a month. My very small part of distress during this time is nothing compared to what a lot of nice, gainfully employed, amply insured people had to deal with. I never had to live in a FEMA trailer. I never had to rip sheetrock out of my house due to mold. However, I did have to leave my husband. For 36 hours, I did not know if he was ok. I did not know if the looters I saw on TV trying to come to my side of the river had gotten to our town. I did not know if he was alive. When I came home, part of me was so thankful to be here. So thankful that my home that I had just purchased was here and standing and okay. I was so grateful that my life could get back to normal. But it didn't. It never really got back to normal. There are parts of the city I won't go to. I have avoided going to the beach in MS because to do that, I have to pass by NO East and see what I have yet to see because I know I won't be able to deal. My only way to handle that these people lost everything is to just not look.

It's hard to feel like this. To be so angry at those people who made the rest of us look so awful. To know that they are the minority. They truly are. Do you people have any fucking idea how to this fucking day, insurance companies are fucking over people? Right now. What is it - 18 months later? WHAT. THE. FUCK? I won't even go into the fact that people STILL who managed to extract money from their insurance companies still can't really do much because they don't know what the maps from the government will say as to whether they have to raise their house or not. Or if the levees will hold WHICH ARE STILL NOT DONE.

No, I'm not kidding. They are still not ready. Oh and please if anyone has the fucking nads to say to me "Well, NO is below sea level - you live in a soup bowl - you gotta realize there is a chance of this."

FUCK.
YOU.

Tell that shit to people in San Francisco. Well, you know, SF, y'all live on a big ass fault line. Maybe you should move because if those tectonic plates move the wrong way, your ass is gone. Oh, and all the trailer parks smack dab in the tornado corridor? Yeah, y'all gotta go too.

I just don't want to hear it anymore, ok? So please, people, the next time you get one of those ignorant ass emails, think to yourself briefly before hitting the forward button (because I know you will - who doesn't like to pass judgment - me included...) think for a brief second - "You know what, I don't live there. I never once experienced anything as harrowing or life changing as that. Perhaps I should reign in my judgment for a day and see if I still feel like forwarding on this piece of shit tomorrow." Do it for me ok? Do it for a girl that got off like a fucking bandit during this hurricane. I was a lucky one, y'all. And it still pisses me the fuck OFF.

Labels: Annoyed.

Elizabeth at 11:03 PM

18comments

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Sittin and waitin and watchin

Those are my plans today. Did the church thing already. Was supposed to meet Karen for a walk today in the park but the weather had other ideas. So I am chillin at home with the snoring hubs watching "When A Stranger Calls" before the game comes on. I have not said much about how well the Saints are doing because y'all bitches know I be a Steelers fan. Alas my poor boys had a rough go of it this year, but I'd still dry hump Old Man Rooney himself (the owner) for season tickets. So I sit and watch this cool ass movie waiting on the game. The city seems to have really needed this. This team has never made it this far - EVER. People here are all pumped and shit. It's cool to see even though these very same people are so quick to call each and every team member a giant steaming pile of dog shit in the years that they sucked ass. Nothing like fair weather fans.

It rained here pretty hard but now seems content to just be gray and dreary and funky. I'm down with that. Good napping weather. As evidenced by the snoring mass to my left. I am not doing much more than reading and sneaking glances at the TV. Even though I am not keeping a formal track of what I read this year, I have two down already - currently on the third.

I don't have much going on right now, but I have a couple posts lolling about in my brain that I have to work the kinks out of, but for now, this is what you get. Try not to nap through it.

Labels: Football, Update

Elizabeth at 12:50 PM

8comments

Thursday, January 18, 2007

The Hormone roller coaster of an emotional neurotic

It's been a relatively ho hum week with not much to report. As you all know, I have no life so unless I sit here and go into great detail of the horror that is American Idol, there ain't much to say. I don't guess we are doing SPF this week, so that's one thing to cross off my incredibly short list.

Last night I did have my class up at church though. It was on marriage and what the church views marriage as and what its importance is. Now y'all know that I had many reservations about starting this whole RCIA process months ago and until now, I have been pleasantly surprised at the lack of judgment I have encountered.

Yeah, until last night.

Duuuuuuude, what the fuck? I was hardly surprised when they made a big stink about a marriage being between one man and one woman because you would pretty much have to be clueless to not know that most religions feel that way. I happen to disagree, but que sera, sera. I did not get my big granny panties in a wad until we watched the video. We watch these videos of this man whose very voice makes my teeth hurt. He launches into the marriage debate going through the whys and wherefores of everything we had pretty much covered. However, he used the following illustration of why exactly it (it being marriage) needed to be between one man and one woman. I am using quote marks here but this is not a direct word for word summation. However, the very last part is verbatim.

"Well, you see, men and women are physiologically different. Now, I am probably going to get in trouble with some of the feminists here (insert self deprecating chuckle here) but that is just the way it is. We need each other to counterbalance parts of ourselves. We make each other whole. I mean, imagine a world of all men. It would be barbaric with very little feeling or emotion behind any of the decisions being made. And women need men because without them to counterbalance their delicate constitutions, they would all be emotional neurotics."

Blink.

Blink blink.

Dude, really? You seriously said that? Before I could even control my outward reaction, I literally laughed so hard that I snorted. I'm sure the hubs was horrified that his feminazi wife just snorted at a priest whether he was on video tape or not. But I did. And I would again.

Emotional neurotic, padre? Oh, you have NO idea.

However, until you (a) can touch boobies, (b) can do the hibbidy bibbidy to the body attached to said boobies, (c) entertain the notion of marrying the body with the boobies, and finally (d) leave this earth with your face buried between those same boobies, do NOT talk to me about the physiology of a woman. You don't live with us. You can never understand the inner workings of the female mind. Hell, my hubs does live with one of those aforementioned emotional neurotics and HE does not have a damn clue. I give mad props for those men who do enter the priesthood because to do so is a sacrifice that I could never begin to understand. However, know your place. You are NOT a psychologist. You are not even a marriage counselor, dude. I realize that the church recommends and even requires, I believe, marriage counselling given by a priest and I call bullshit on that one. That would be like me giving advice on how to be a size 2 or how to not go ape shit in traffic.

I won't even go into the part where Fr. New Guy said that in the midst of premarital counselling, if the couple indicated that they would exclude children as part of their family throughout the course of their marriage, that would raise a "serious red flag." Yeah, that is another story for another time. The hole in my tongue from me biting down like an epileptic mid-seizure is a big one, my friends.

All of that being said, I am not so discouraged that I will stop going. I am totally okay with disagreeing with church doctrine and even with my own parish priest. This is a journey for me - I get that. I am just trying to find my own voice in all of this. Maybe I will be good for these people. I seemed to be the only one who was a little put off from the marriage chat. Maybe I can make someone see that gay people are not all freaks who "chose their deviant lifestyle." Maybe someone will agree that the choice of having or not having children is a distinctly personal one made between a husband and wife with the church staying the fuck out of it. Or maybe one day in class I will snort too loudly and they will try to exorcise out my demons.

Good luck on that one, I say. Those bitches run deep.

Labels: RCIA, Update

Elizabeth at 8:33 PM

19comments

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Me and Idol - We are BFFs

I swear to God, some fat bleached blonde bitch just said this on national fucking television. This was right after some guy juggled while he sang and then had a fucking shit attack outside after he was rejected for singing worse than William Hung.

Oh man, if you could see Simon's face right now.....Fat Blonde is really trying to bring it. Dude, she has 2 inch roots and 4 chins.

Oh, and I have no words for the girl who sang like the cowardly lion from the Wizard of Oz.

I am only watching this as a favor to Pissy. I think she now owes me her kid.

However, in 16 short minutes, Real Housewives of Orange County is coming on and I fucking dig that show. I know it's shallow. I know the women are botoxed to within an inch of their lives, but holy shit, is it fab. I also watch the Hills so if you are going to rag on me for watching shit that is tailored to a 15 year old, just save it. Heard it, processed it, and I've let it go. I like what I like.

It was back to work today. I am not sure what the hell occurred from yesterday when I had shorts on to today when my feet froze and broke off when I ran the 20 feet from my front door to the mailbox, but holy hell. I don't envy you TX bitches with all that ice. This is more than enough. I do believe that northern Louisiana is getting hit with it now. They had to close a couple interstates for sure.

We had spaghetti, meatballs and garlic bread. Gage was quite transfixed...as evidenced by the following picture:

And yes, I let him eat it.

Labels: Gage, TV, Weather

Elizabeth at 9:43 PM

16comments

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Waste of Space Monday - The Shrub

Bush makes me tired

Ya know, the man just makes me tired. Just when I think he can not possibly be MORE arrogant and yet still MORE clueless, he does an interview on 60 Minutes (I KNOW I said I would not watch, but it's like a bad car wreck, ya know?) and reminds me that we as a nation voted this man in. No, I personally didn't. I'm sure a lot of y'all didn't either, but damn tons of y'all did and I just do not get it. This is not a question of political party. It is just not. My father, the most diehard Republican ever, has finally thrown in the towel. Even he had to concede that the man is a clueless, bumbling ass who for some unknown reason seems to think he is fucking brilliant. I imagine that being an advisor to him must be something akin to driving one's head into a wall repeatedly. A nail studded wall.

Labels: Waste of Space

Elizabeth at 10:34 PM

13comments

Just a brazen hussy is what she is.

Photo Sharing - Upload Video - Video Sharing - Share Photos
And yes, her middle name is Lynn. Don't judge me.

Labels: Reba

Elizabeth at 11:33 AM

14comments

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Oh my.....

Is this not the most beautiful bedding you have ever seen? I mean, it is fucking gorgeous. I know I just bought a new comforter. Shut UP. I know it does not match my room since my walls are light green. Shut UP. I KNOW that I have like 4 comforters for one bed somewhere in comforter bags all over this house.

Shut.
Up.

I gotta have this bed and all of its lovliness.

The only thing stopping me from driving to Baton Rouge and rubbing my boobies on this bedding is that Kohls will be closed by the time I get there.

Now if all of you could just email my husband and ask him to please repaint the bedroom in a tone that would compliment this comforter, I would be ever so grateful.

His address is: Livingwiththisbitchishell@cox.net.

Great, thanks.

Labels: Decor

Elizabeth at 11:00 PM

3comments

Rant

If Dr. Foreign Fuck does not stop his disgusting ass snorting in my ear to clear whatever sinus problem ails him, I am gonna fuck his world up.

Oh, and PS - your accent is making my life hell. Just sayin.

Um, I'm ready to be off today.

UPDATED TO ADD: I am currently in the midst of a report in which a 100 year old black lady has a history of chewing tobacco. There is so much wrong with that - I am not sure where to begin.

Labels: Rant

Elizabeth at 2:21 PM

2comments

Friday, January 12, 2007

Swonderful......smarvelous....

Nothing brings a smile to this hookah's face quite like the conversation candy hearts at Valentine's day. I do believe I'll probably ingest this entire bag today. Well, at least until my tongue turns to chalk dust and then promptly disintegrates.

***Scroll down for SPF and De-Lurking Week.***

Labels: Random

Elizabeth at 1:23 PM

7comments

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Stuff Portait Friday from the Land of Snow and Cheese

***EDITED TO ADD*** Apparently, it is, yet again, De-Lurking week, so send this bitch some love, okay? Especially if you have never said hi before and yet read. I get over 70 hits a day, so I know y'all are out there. Damn it. Say hi. Don't make me stab you in the neck. Now read my SPF.***

Yeah, you bitches know I love me some TKW (the girl just ain't right) so I am getting off my ass and doing me some SPF. Now shut it and sit down. Mama got her some mad PMS.

The SPF hijacker wants to see the following:

-A houseplant.
-Something we bitch about, but secretly love.
-Something gross

This plant was from my FIL's funeral. If y'all bitches really knew me, you would know it is nothing short of a miracle that it is still living. I have another one on top of my fridge too. Trips me right out.

Oh man, this shithead here. I love this dog. I really do. But sometimes, I could seriously take his head and squash it like a zit. He looks so stoned here. Don't tell Carrie.

Oh Brit. You bleached blonde train wreck you. This poor thing has truly become gross. I really think it might be too late for her.

Well, let me know if you played. I'll try to swing on by, bitches.

Labels: SPF

Elizabeth at 11:34 PM

15comments

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

You asked, I answered and a quick PSA

OK, I am in one hell of a mood today, so here are your answers plus a quick shout out to the man I live with and am legally bound to. Questions first. Oh, and I don't do the link thing because I am tired and don't wanna.

1. Cheeky asked: If you could meet one blogger, who would it be? Well, that's tough, but I'd have to say Pissy Britches, because the bitch makes me laugh and has yet to understand the beauty of football. I gotta go up there and school a bitch.
2. Shell asked: How many kids do you and the hubs want? After thinking about it, I am gonna go with one. If situations change and I end up being a Fertile Myrtle, then maybe 2, but no more than that. Those little bastards are 'spensive. And as for the gender, I go back and forth, but I think deep down I want a boy because what is damn funnier than a little boy? Nothing I say.
3. Patti-Cake asked: Gender question as well as what we want to name the poor kid that is bestowed upon us? Well, our choices are Jacob Martin (I love the name Jacob or Jake for short because that just so sounds like a little rough and tumble kid who comes in the house dirty nightly) and for a girl Emma Reese. I also have backups of Jackson for a boy and Julia for a girl. I guess I'll have to see the little spawn first.
4. JD's Rose asked: What is your most treasured item and why? That is tough because I don't know that I have a material thing that is truly that special to me. If I had to pick something, I guess all the pictures I have amassed thru the years.
5. Pissy asked: Have the hubs tell us a good firefighter story. Well, I totally forgot to ask him but I have kind of a scary one. He was in a house fire and apparently, when he went into a room, he got sorta disoriented because, hi, you can't see. The bell went off indicating that his air tank was getting low and he realized he needed to find the door quick. He was feeling down a wall and started to panic but eventually found a window and busted it out. His co-worker said he saw nothing but a big yellow blob come out that window. It's funny now, but that could have been no bueno.
6. Arlene asked: If you could buy any one thing what would it be? Incredibly easy. A house away from here.
7. Tammy asked: How tight are the ex's shorts? So tight I know what the bitch had for breakfast. Also wants to hear my most embarassing story. I don't embarass easily as an adult, so this goes way back to like 1st grade. We were all sitting on the floor I think listening to a story and then it was time for recess. My shoe was untied and I moved my leg to in front of me to tie my shoe and let out the most obnoxious fart EVER. In front of the boy that I liked and everything. Seriously, could have DIED.
8. Football widow asked: If you could live anywhere in the US, where would it be? The world? In the US, assuming I would not have to worry about hurricanes, I'd say the Outer Banks in North Carolina. In the world, that would be Italy, Venice specifically.
9. Toes in the Sand asked: If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Well, I will give two answers, one physical and one personality. Physical - would be ever so lovely to have a metabolism to eat what I wanted because I so can eat like a damn man. As far as my personality, I take things way too personally and get my feelings hurt too easily.
10. Kami asked: Would you rather do Nick or the hot professor? For you sad souls who do not watch Y&R, I feel for you. Answer is the hot professor.
11. Carrie asked: Does it bother you to have an uneven number of pets and would you like me to bring you one from the shelter? I never thought about the uneven number. LOLOL. However, if I bring one animal into this house, Reba already told me she is outta here. She will saunter her fat fluffy butt across the bridge and be a hooker in the Quarter. She is OVER IT.
12. RPM asked: What is my fave restaurant in New Orleans? Well, it was the Houston's on St. Charles but it's gone now and became some weird ass restaurant owned by the same peeps.
13. Sarcasm Queen asked: Doesn't Jack just turn you on a little? I assume she is speaking of Jack from Y&R because other than that, my life is Jack-less. And no. I think he is amusing as hell and he cracks me up, but I so do not find him sexy.

PSA time to the hubs:

If you come home in the same piss poor mood that you were in last night, I swear to Gawd that I will fucking kick you in the face. I am tired of you making faces at me when I ask you to do something. Just fucking do it and shut the fuck up about it. And if you do not stop pouting like a fucking 4 year old, I will smother you in your sleep. With Reba's fluffy ass. Not a good way to go, my friend. Are we clear? Good. Now snap the fuck out of it.

Labels: PSA, Questions

Elizabeth at 11:49 AM

14comments

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

I guess Katrina just was not enough, huh?

Please scroll down and submit question, bitches.

href="http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070108/ap_on_sc/brf_africanized_bees">Killer Bees tracked near New Orleans

Labels: News

Elizabeth at 12:19 AM

4comments

Monday, January 08, 2007

Yeah I got nuthin'

I have had a relatively nice weekend, but today I am in a major funk today, so I am jumping on the bandwagon and doing the question and answer thing. Ask me whatever adn you have a decent shot at getting an honest answer. I'll leave this up for a couple days, so go ahead. Whatever you wanna know, bitches.

Labels: Random

Elizabeth at 1:11 PM

12comments

Friday, January 05, 2007

Batten down the hatches, boys, SFG done leaped head first into the 21st century.

Yes, people, I have given the green light....the go ahead, if you will....for the hubs to get DVR. Before you gasp, but how, HOW have you lived up until now with there being hour upon hour of TV that is flying by with nary a glance from me, let me just point out that I have no life, people. I am at home a LOT. So really, there ain't a whole lot that is getting by me. The only thing I miss is the most perfect show on the planet, Young and the Restless, but clearly God loves me because satellite has a wonderful channel called Soapnet. Ah, the beauty of Soapnet means that Y&R is replayed right at the moment I clock out, 6 PM. I always knew God loved him a good story. The hubs convinced me that we needed DVR. HAD. TO. HAVE. DVR. After watching him twitch and subsequently bang himself head first into the wall for a few months, I actually gave the thumbs up. Oh, and don't give me any shit about holding tight purse strings. You bet your fucking ass I do. Hubs has to submit a written form in triplicate if that bitch wants to buy so much as a piece of chewing gum. Then again, he has his own back account that I have no access to and see none of the cash from. Well, no wonder my ass hurts. Hmmmmm.....anyway, we have DVR as of January 22, 2007 - the first Monday they were available to come out. In addition to DVR, in order to save the whopping 5.99 a month in fees, the hubs talked me into purchasing the plan from the satellite company that will give us every single channel known to man. All the movie channels, all the sports crap, all of it. Guess why we got it? Well, there is some damn SEC shitten station that plays like LSU throwing the shotput or competing in distance spitting and the hubs must see it. He has to see it. For the love of fucking God, he must see LSU compete in midget bowling. So fine. We bought the 80 kagillion dollar package so he can because as he pointed out to me, if we have the mega package, we save 5.99 each month because they won't charge us for the DVR? Well, who the fuck am I to argue with that logic?

In other news, it is another fabulously exciting evening in the Casa De SFG. It's me, the mother, 2 cats, and a dog rabidly slobbering all over the largest chewy rawhide deal known to man. It is shaped like a candy cane but the damn thing is so big that when the hubs brought it home, he looked like a really tall Little Bo Peep with a hormone problem. It's that big. Now that the Pooper realized that it is not going to eat him whole, he has started in on it and woe be the poor cat who comes within a 10 feet radius of him whilst he gnaws. Basically, back off bitches.

I am hoping that I am able to blow into Houston in April for the next Blog Blowout, but as I have told the bitches, it all depends on the Dad. He has one more treatment in a week. Then 3 weeks after that, another PET scan, then one week for results. It will be at that point that we know whether he gets surgery or not. If he does, then I won't be here to attend a blowout. I will be in Phoenix asking my dad things like "Want some water? You need water. How about a cookie? Do you have to poop? Wanna poop? Let's go poop." So in a way, I hope to miss this blowout because it will mean pops is on the mend, but I sure do wanna meet y'all crazy ass bitches.

As I mentioned in my last post, Cowher retired today. Just made me sad. I heart him to pieces. I read the transcript from his press conference today and I actually got teary. Is that normal? The same thing happened when I walked into the room full of busts in the Football Hall of Fame in Canton. I was like overwhelmed because right there, like 2 feet away, was Franco Harris's face. I could like touch it and rub my boobs on it and shit. Not that I did of course. What? Shut up.

One more day of work tomorrow and then on Sunday, we are taking my niece out to eat and either to see a movie or go shopping. Her birthday was yesterday so we want to spend the day with her. Should be fun. I enjoy hanging out with her and her sister. Monday I don't have much to do except for steam clean the carpet. Isn't my life just beyond the scope of exciting? I know, try not to hate me too much.

Labels: Blog Blowout, Dad, Football, Weekend

Elizabeth at 9:53 PM

11comments

Thursday, January 04, 2007

It is the end of an era and this makes my heart hurt a little.

Steelers to reveal Cowher's future tomorrow

I'm gonna miss that giant chin.

Labels: Steelers

Elizabeth at 8:37 PM

4comments

Message to the Big Guy

Dear God,

Thanks for delivering my Gwen CD today. That made me mucho happy-o.

Where is my rain? I was promised rain. Give me rain, damn it.

Can you please tell Tupac across the street that I am thiiiis close to going batshit crazy on his ass?

Can you also please rev up whatever process is holding up the moving out of my asshat neighbors?

Can you please scrape ten pounds off my ass? Both sides?

Can you please tell doctors that nothing grosses me the fuck out like listening to someone chew and that if this chick does not take out the hard candy that she is so joyfully sucking on (some guys should be so lucky), then I am gonna drive to this hospital in another state and stab her in the neck?

Make it 15 pounds, ok? Each side? I'm not joking.

Great, thanks. Peace.

Labels: Open letters

Elizabeth at 2:20 PM

13comments

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Tired and gross

Well, like others during this time of year, I am making a concerted effort to take better care of myself. Of course, this is reflected in dropping some weight but really in all senses of the word. I need to make sure I take time for myself because when I don't get alone time, it ain't pretty. My mom has been driving me batshit crazy and I totally see me buying her a ticket to go up North for a while. Thankfully the hubs understands that I need some time to myself and does not get offended when I am all too happy to boot his ass out of the house on days he works. I'm sure a lot of peeps would think I am one rude ass bitch, but I know what my needs are and that is for sure one of them.

The hubs and I have started having these wonderful smoothies in the mornings. Frozen fruit (mixed varieties, strawberries, raspberries, etc) with some Tropicana orange juice that is 50% less sugar (tastes fab especially if you are not big on pulp) and that's it. Blend it up with a 2 tsp. flaxseed oil and you have a very healthy and surprisingly filling smoothie. I was a bit wary thinking that I'd be trolling through the fridge within an hour but so far, I seem to be pretty satisfied for a good few hours. I also purchased the You on a Diet book. I like what I have seen of Dr. Oz when he is on Oprah because he is not just about being skinny. Like he said, "Well, if all you want is to lose weight, then yeah, drink all the diet drinks and smoke cigarettes and you will drop weight." He wants us to be healthy, get our fiber, eat some veggies, don't go fucking crazy if we eat a piece of cake. Just find a good way to live your life and the weight will fall off if you also move around a little bit. My goal is bigger than I just don't like how I look. Unless you have never read this ever, then you know that by this time next year I really want to be a walking incubator and why on earth would I want my kid to have to dwell for 40 long weeks in a place that is not the best place for him/her/it? I am trying to keep that in mind when the pizza and Cheez-Its call my name.

I don't have much to report. Just back to work and back to a normal schedule. Not much on the agenda for this week other than my step daughter's birthday as well as my niece's birthday - both on the same day. I know - just got through Christmas and more birthdays. Hooooo boy, y'all are KILLING ME.

All is quiet on the homefront. The hubs is finally home tomorrow after 4 days at the station. I know - ridiculous, right? He has to snap that OT up when it comes though. Bills ain't gonna pay themselves, ya feel me?

OK, I am off to bed. It's 10:20 which makes it past my bedtime. Later bitches. I promise to have something excited to report tomorrow. Maybe.

Labels: Health, Update

Elizabeth at 11:07 PM

15comments

Monday, January 01, 2007

My New Year's

***Edited to add***
I just heard the most hilarious joke EVER on the Sopranos.

A Chinaman goes to the eye doctor. The doctor says "I know what your problem is." Chinaman said "Well, what is it?" Doctor says "You have a cataract." Chinaman says "No, I drive a Rincoln Continental." I officially can't breathe.

Last night the hubs and I went to our friends house and basically chilled out with them all evening. Their extended fam came over shortly before midnight to ring in the new year and to set off a shitten ton of fireworks. Yes, they are illegal here and no, that does not seem to stop anyone. It was a nice night in that the extended fam was actually polite to me which was somewhat shocking. Yet another set of peeps that I have put off in a way that I am not aware of. I have fantastic abilities in that way.

Today I got up late and then spent the bulk of the day trying to clean this house up. Took all the Christmas stuff down and put it all away. That was like such the fucking ordeal. I ran out of totes because two of them are now filled with my autumn decor, so I ran out and got 3 more due to the loss of the first two and then just having more stuff this year. I could probably still stand to have one more. Craziness.

Will be a nice quiet night with the first disk of the second season of the Sopranos. Yeah!!! Back to work tomorrow, though. Boo.

Labels: Decor, Holiday

Elizabeth at 7:46 PM

9comments