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Sunday, December 31, 2006

Happy fucking new year and why I heart Pissy so damn much

OK, first things first - if you are toooooopid and don't know and love she who is named Pissy Britches, wander to that list over there ---------------> and click on that link and read today's post. I fucking love that HAB - all I can say on that. Made me laugh so hard I almost did the diet Coke nose squirt and began to wheeze. That's good readin' right there.

So I finally met my girl Karen for her birthday lunch. I gave her her gift and we enjoyed a nice gossip filled lunch. When I say gossip, I mean about entertainment crap mainly but we do still know a ton of the same people even though we don't work together, so we cover that. Girl cracks my shit right up.

Tonight I am going to some friends' house for New Year's. The hubs works but he can at least come over in the fire truck for a while. Can't drink though. The fire dept sorta frowns on lit up firemen. Go figure. However, they live only one street over so this bitch bought her some premade margaritas - 2 gigantic bottles - because my dumb ass can stumble home if need be. Might find me in a gutter 4 houses down, but whatever.

Well I do believe after I finish watching this Steelers game, I shall nap briefly, or not so briefly. Whatever. You all have a fantastic new year's. Be safe. Don't drink and drive. Have a 'rita on me, bitches. Latah.

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Elizabeth at 4:00 PM


Saturday, December 30, 2006

Crap in my brain

Well, as I sit here in my little office/spare bedroom watching the weather rapidly turn from bad to worse, I am so happy that I am cozy in my house on this icky weather day. True, I am working but hey, small price to pay for never having to commute in inclement weather ever again. I no mind.

As you have probably heard, there is a vote going on over at Celebrating Women for Blog of the Year. I have not a shot in hell of winning and that is totally okay with me. I am not nearly as popular or as good of a writer as many of the blogs over there (speaking of which I think TKW should so have been a contender being that she is a damn funny ass woman), so I am not going to worry too much about it. I was really touched when they made me Blog of the Month. Shocked the crap right outta me is what that did. So if you really think that among all those pretty damn good contenders, I am the best one, well, thanks and you are welcome to vote. I already made my vote and I do believe this girl is one funny chica. I also only plan to vote once. I guess you can vote more than that, but I am not sure why I would do that unless I just voted for the same girl over and over. I don't want to like cancel out my initial vote by like spreading them out. Does that make sense?

So Saddam is dead. I am not sure how I feel about that. Do I think he was a monster? Um, yeah. Mentally disturbed really. Which is what leads me to the current ambivalence. Did we (and I say we not knowing who actually hung him) kill a man who had like a mental imbalance? I am certainly not trying to undermine the disgusting way he tortured and murdered tons of people and the Draconian methods with which he maintained his rule. Certainly not. I am also not someone who has a problem with the death penalty. That is one of the few things my father and I agree upon. Certain individuals can NOT and will NOT be rehabilitated, no matter what. However, when the evidence begins to swing in the way of mental imbalance, then I am not sure how I feel. That of course brings on the question of "Well, if one's imbalance provokes one to slaughter innocent people doesn't that sorta override any issue one would have with offing the twisted fuck?" I guess it does, huh? I used to be very cut and dry, very black and white about these things and as I have gotten older and I hope a little more compassionate and wiser (those things are not mutually exclusive) I am realizing how many shades of gray there are and all the things I thought I had clear opinions on are not as clear anymore.

A lot will happen this year and a lot of things I am hoping to happen. I will be baptized and take communion at church. My hubs will undergo surgery to correct his vasectomy. Hopefully this time next year, I will be bitching and whining and moaning about how I am clearly the only pregnant girl in the world to be THAT uncomfortable. The state of my dad's health will be determined. I hope that I change some as well. I hope that I continue to not hold grudges the way that has been my habit. I am very slowly getting better but I have ooooooodles of a way to go as well. I hope that my job continues to be something that I actually like doing. I hope that I continue to not lose sight of what really matters. I hope that my new niece continues to grow and be healthy and a happy little grunter. I hope that I have enough love for myself that I will not continue to abuse my body in the way that has become such a habit in the last 33 years.

I got an email yesterday that made me sad. Y'all remember a while back that I wrote of getting an email from my ex-boyfriend that he was getting married? If not, let me refresh. Basically he wrote to tell me and it struck me as odd and really pathetic that he never once said anything about this girl as a person. He never said how happy he was. He never once said "Holy shit, I am so excited." He wrote about where he was getting married and how much stuff they had accumulated between the two of them. He then emailed me yesterday to see how our Xmas was and to wish me a Happy New Year. I responded regarding Christmas and New Year's and asked him how his first Christmas as an old married man was. He said fine but that he wished he was single again. OK, ummmmm, he has been married for like, what, three minutes? I won't go into all the details of what his issues are with being married, but it makes me sad to see how much he has changed. I always had some issues with his being so very spoiled, but he was never this person. We correspond not terribly often and it is always sorta "Hi, how are things?" sorts of emails, but every now and then I will get a glimpse into the person he has become and it never fails to shock me. He is cold now. There is so obviously an emptiness in him or in his life that he has aggressively tried to fill with stuff, material crap. He is just not the person I remember at all and that bums me out because though we could not make things work, he was always such a good person and a genuinely nice guy. That person has been replaced by this.....I don't know.....other person. I am not sure what transpired from the time we broke up, through the years until now, but the effects are not pretty. In fact, they are quite pathetic. So I hope this year brings him some genuine happiness in whatever form that may be. Genuine - not in the form of a new gadget or outdoing someone he really can't stand. I will also say a prayer for his wife, because holy hell, she is gonna need it.


Elizabeth at 1:17 PM


Thursday, December 28, 2006

SPF - Bye bye 2006

Well, I am finally getting my shit together to do SPF for the last one of 2006. I have been a slack ass SPFer so I beg Kristine's forgiveness. Now get the fuck out of the closet.

Something that will NOT be in my house come 2007. Fucking candy. I was going to take a picture of my ever expanding ass, but this is the reason behind the....well....behind, so there you have it. If the shit is in the house, I eat it. You do the math.

Something random and odd. This is a little plaque that sits right next to my front door. I try to remember this saying every day.

Seven of something. I love these wine glasses. My MIL gave them to me on the birthday that was the day before Katrina the Whore came. They match my kitchen and look fabby if I do say so myself.

So, come on, Kristine is a cool chick so do this one last SPF for 2006 and make a HAB happy. And let me know if you played.


Elizabeth at 10:49 PM


Wednesday, December 27, 2006

I am so decorated OUT

I promised to leave all my Christmas decor out for my aunt to come take a look at (because we both so get off on the decor stuff) but she is not coming until New Year's day. If I don't go batshit crazy by then with all this shit out, then I shall consider it a victory. I did begin to at least put away the crap that was scattered under the tree. However, all my new Christmas plateware the I got (Pfaltzgraff Winterberry - verrra verrra purty) has to be taken out of the boxes and then washed and put.......somewhere. The thought of that makes me tired bear. Seriously. I no wanna. And so there it sits. I am going to have to get my act together at some point I guess.

So now I am sitting here watching Never Been Kissed which is such a cute flick and one I can watch a million times and still enjoy. Wednesday nights suck ass for tv watching. What is that about?

I also spent my evening going through my wish list on Amazon buying stuff with a gift card given to me by my dad and step mom. Gotta love that. My new Gwen CD should be here quickly. :) I loves me some Gwen. Does the bitch EVER look bad? I mean seriously. Normally anyone wearing red lipstick at the freaking beach would look like a fucktard. Not her. Bitch pulled that shit right off. Unreal. I also got a book for work, some cool CDs that will remind me of high school, and a couple DVDs like American Psycho, one of the fabbest movies ever and the point where I realized Christian Bale is quite possibly the yummiest man on the planet.

OK, I have nothing useful to say, so I am outtie. Have a great night and enjoy the slower pace now.

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Elizabeth at 9:53 PM


Tuesday, December 26, 2006

The aftermath

So the holiday is over. Obligations are over. Gifts are given. Incredibly uncomfortable family gatherings are done. I had a wonderful Christmas overall. The hubs worked but was off Christmas day which was so nice. We went to mass, came home and began on the presents. I got a lot of really great things. The hubs always does well. I am not a picky person and I tend to send him links of things over the entire year, ya know, in case he wants to shop for like Arbor Day. I also have a wish list on Amazon so really, it's hardly a mystery, ya know? However, he is a man and men can be stupid in that dept, so thankfully I got a bright one.

I did have to make a trip down to the mother in law's house which I was initially really pissed about because the hubs sorta backed me into it. It was sufficiently uncomfortable and neither of us spoke to the other. We both played this ridiculous game of acting like the other was not there and talking to everyone else in the room. Stupid, no? Bt it's over and I am glad for that. I don't plan on doing it again. Next year, I plan to do a pre-emptive strike and invite my sister in law here. If the MIL wants to act a fool, she will have to trek her ass to me this time.

The kids came over last night and it was probably the least uncomfortable that we had been together in a while. I hope this is a beginning. I am still not putting myself out there at all. They gotta come to me. If they do, great. If they don't, then I am not hurt. No big whoop.

Tomorrow is my uncle's birthday. He died in 1993. His daughter, my cousin Jen, and I are incredibly close. She is without a doubt one of my best friends. I hope she has a decent day tomorrow and can think of her dad without feeling like shit all day.

Speaking of dad's, mine had his treatment and he sounds GREAT. I don't know what is so different this time, but his strength is better, water intake is better, has an appeitite. It's amazing. He got to enjoy a nice visit with my brother, sister, BIL and their baby. I am so thankful for that. What a perfect Christmas present for all of us.

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Elizabeth at 9:25 PM


Sunday, December 24, 2006

Merry Christmas and Book #59 - Admissions

I got up this morning to go to mass. It was so pretty. All the poinsettias and the huge Nativity scene. Looked so nice. I love all that. I had wanted to go to Midnight Mass this evening, but I don't have anyone to go with me, so I am opting to go tomorrow morning when the hubs is back home. I hope next year I get to go.

Admissions is set in New York City. The book centers around the New York scene of trying to get one's child into the "right" school. There are 2 main characters who are also best friends - Helen, the mother of a girl, currently going into the admissions process and Sara, the director of admissions at the school where Helen's daughter currently attends. There is a lot of outside drama and a colorful cast of characters so I was pretty much sucked in right at the beginning. I read it fairly quickly - less than a week. I recommend it even if you just read it for comic value.

Well, the rest of my day will be baking pies, watching movies and watching the Steelers hopefully put an ass whoppin' to Baltimore. The last game they played was pretty damn ugly so let's hope my boys bring their A game. I doubt I have time to post later, so all of you please have a wonderful Christmas or whatever it is you celebrate. I hope all of your days are filled with laughter, thoughtful gifts, easy exchanges for the thoughtLESS gifts, no in law drama, and a magic fairy to come clean up the mess later.

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Elizabeth at 11:30 AM


Saturday, December 23, 2006

A little bit of a funny

Yesterday, hubs was home the bulk of the day and decided that he would go thru the Xmas cards we had received. I am back here working dilligently and he comes back with a stack and goes "Um, I don't know any of these people and who are these kids?" It was all you all. Is it strange that I don't find it at all odd that I was able to say: "Oh, that's Kami - we have bonded over the beauty that is Y&R." "Oh, that's Pissy (but I said her real name) and I do believe she is my long lost sister." and "Oh, that's Nicole - I heart her even though she posts never and I do plan to steal her girl child's name for my kid's middle name." And on and on through the stack.

See, to me, that is perfectly normal. I guess to other people that would seem odd considering I have laid eyes on a total of none of you all, but to be honest, you chicks out there in the blog world have been better friends to me than the bulk of the people I know in real life. I love that you let me get a small glimpse into your worlds and I am thankful for the advice and insight some of you have given to me about my world. It's helpful. It's fun.

So thanks, internets. Thanks for being there this past almost 2 years. Thanks for listening to me bitch and complain and moan and worry and cry and stress and stab people in necks. I hope that this next year brings me to meet a few of you all so I can truly say to the hubs "Oh, you remember her, right? That's my friend."

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Elizabeth at 12:26 PM


Friday, December 22, 2006

Ever so boooooooootiful

I just received an early Christmas present. I ordered this just like 4 days ago with the understanding that I would more than likely not receive it until after the new year. I can't wait to put her on the bed and roll around in her cottony goodness.

Before you even ask:

-Yes, it has pink in it.
-Yes, my hubs does, indeed, sleep in the bed.
-No, he does not give a shit that there is pink covering him while he slumbers/snores.
-No, it would not make a shitten bit of difference if he did.
-Yes, it is quite similar to the one I have on there now.
-It was on clearance and I have been eyeballing it for like ohhhhh, 6 months or so, and I got a cool 60% off. Booooyah.


Elizabeth at 3:09 PM


Thursday, December 21, 2006

Not dead...

OK, I am in a nicer mood since Monday. I was going through a really hellacious period of PMS and I'm way better now. Let's recap this week, shall we? Well, after 3 attempts, I finally gave blood to help out the Dad. I was not able to give him my actual blood because apparently all the planets have to align and a firecracker has to shoot out of my butt for that to occur, so I settled for blood replacement. Whatever. Just make sure my Pops does not get charged for friggin blood, ya heard?

Yesterday was uneventful for ME. The hubs, on the other hand, was called by Camel Toe Annie to go assist with their son who was about 2 seconds from getting arrested. Oh man, this shit just keeps getting better and better. I won't go into details, and thankfully it was not serious, but he was finger printed, booked along with his 3 juvie friends. According to the hubs, he is now grounded until this all is "settled." Now, let's see. Who will be around after Xmas break to make sure that he stays "grounded?" Um, no one. Yeah, let's see how far this goes. Far be it for me to critique (shut it) someone's parenting skills, but the hubs is in for a rude awakening. I won't "parent" like CTA. His stupid ass would have sat down in juvie over fucking night. I would not have ran down there like a bat outta hell to get his little illegal ass home.

Of course me saying all this and even worse, putting it in writing for tons (or 4 people) to read means I will undoubtedly have a child that commits his first felony by age 8.

I worked this week and I do believe that by the end of the week, the work load will drop off big time.

The hubs is going to go for a sleep study and will most likely be diagnosed with sleep apnea and have to wear a CPAP machine. And I will get to sleep sans ear plugs. Happy day.

Weather today sucked and made me want to nap.

I really have not much else to say.

***UPDATED TO ADD*** Perhaps I am still a tad emotional - Scrubs just made me cry.


Elizabeth at 8:42 PM


Monday, December 18, 2006

Note to the world - get the FUCK

I am in a mutha of a mood - partly due to hormones that are not normal because of my self induced (very stupid) hiatus from my BCPs and partly due to external influences. Allow me to share.

-To the stupid fucking asshats that create turn lanes where there are none, thereby blocking the rest of us from getting thru interesections - I am gonna stab you in the neck.
-To my hubs. I love you but let's face it. On a good day, you do what? 2 minutes of work a day? Normally that makes me happy because no smokey, no firey, no dangery, right? However, if I should HAPPEN to call during the aforementioned 2 minutes, do not talk to me in a dismissive tone like I am somehow annoying you, or I'll stab you in the neck.
-To the lady at the Blood Bank. I know it's not your fault that I apparently need to know the last time my dad took a crap in order to make sure he gets the blood I am going to donate for him, but perhaps putting this info on your website that I did consult to prepare myself would have been helpful. Do this, or I shall stab you in the neck.
-To the incredily annoying little 20 year old shit talking loud on her cell phone at the Q. I am not interested in how "oh my god, this weekend was sooooooo, like fun" for you, so shut it or, here is a nutso idea, HANG UP, or I'll stab you in the neck.
-To the lady in line in front of me at the Q. I know it is technically winter and should be cold thereby allowing some women to forego on some of the maintenance that we do in the summer, like regular pedicures, but if you bust out the flip flops, how about sanding your hooves before you don them and save the rest of our retinas from having that image burned into it them rest of the day, or I will stab you in the neck.
-While we are on the subject of pedis, to the tiny Asian people in the nail shop. Sorry, perhaps I am a tad backward but I feel weird having a man to whom I am not legally bound massaging my feet and legs in the middle of a pedi. So if I request a woman, please do not give me a look and then proceed to launch into your native tongue to your other manicurists. Granted I have no problem having a man look up my hoohah for a gyne exam but that is different. Once your male pedicurist has an MD, then he can give me the hands on foot care? Feel me?
-To you who shall not be named, do NOT send me a Christmas card. Just DON'T. Oh, and yeah, it was ripped up and immediately deposited in the trash. Sure as shit was. Do it again, and I'll stab you in the neck.
-Oh, again to the hubs. Next time I ask you to do something and you sell me the fuck OUT by not telling your fabulous family what the fuck we had decided we would do (well, I brought it up and you never said no, so that is agreeing by proxy) you are on your damn own. I am tired of you putting all this shit on me, dude. TIRED. OF. IT. Last time I checked, it was your psychotic step-mother who went all apeshit on me via email. Oh and don't say "I know, baby...but..." No, you DON'T KNOW. My family? They love you, are kind to you. Shit, they could fucking hate your guts for all I know, but if that's the case, they keep their fucking traps shut, the way they should. So do NOT tell me that you know and do NOT get angry at me for not wanting to have to go over there and play all nicey. I am not happy about it and yeah, frankly I am pissed at you for putting me in this position. Do it again and .......well, y'all know the rest.


Elizabeth at 3:21 PM


Sunday, December 17, 2006

Two reasons why I fucking LOVE this dog

Mama, I could have a cookie? Please? Just one? Maybe 2....or 12. Whatever.

Waiting for him Daddy to come home. Every time he hears a door slam, the head pops up. This was immediately before he barked at the neighbor across the street that he sees 5 times a day. And yet still barks.


Elizabeth at 1:50 PM


Post in bullet

-Watching VH1's top 40 videos for 2006. I love me some Fergie. Ya know those girls who, no matter what they did (even if initially, it looked so dumb) they always somehow looked cool as hell? I think Fergie and Gwen Stefani were probably like that their entire lives.
-We had some friends over for dinner last night and had such a nice time. Our friend's daughter made a ham which was divine. Nice food, nice company, nice low key time - even if Dallas won. And is ANYONE shocked that T.O. spit in someone's face? I mean, really, wasn't it only a matter of time for that? I thought he had calmed down some, but I guess I spoke too soon.
-Brace y'allselves - I have NOTHING to do today. My house is clean (did it in anticipation of company), no lunch with Karen (she has to work) and I am not going to mass until this evening so that the hubs can come with. So it's me, some boys in black and gold and a book. I am so excited that I do not have to out in all this madness. God bless.
-I plan to call Pops today during the game. I miss him already even though I just left there a few weeks back.
-Mom is home from the hospital as of Thursday night. She is sore and tired a lot (Percocet will do that) but other than that, she's good.
-I had a dream about an ex-friend of mine last night. He and I used to work together and were such good friends and he sorta just dropped a lot of us who were really good friends to us and took care of him when he really needed it. I hope he is well, but I honestly have no clue where he even is. Sad.
-Found out from the friends last night that the horrible neighbors are not moving to a newly built house down the street but across the lake. Note to dipshit neighbors - Northshore peeps are way more conservative than here and will not deal with your trashy ways the way we have. I hope you have some KY because it ain't gonna be pretty for you all. Oh, and can you please move like tomorrow?
-I think I am FINALLY getting over some of my anger. There is still a shitten ton and a nice healthy dose of resentment in here, but I feel different. I am not sure what brought this on, but I am thankful for it because it was hurting no one but me. Wow, only 9 years it took. By the time I'm like 97, I should be aces.
-Remember how in Being Bobby Brown, Whitney Houston described Bobby digging in her ass as "black love?" Well, I do believe last night I reached new levels of kitty love. I was washing my face and I heard her jump up on the bathroom counter. Then the stench hit me. However, sometimes if he has just left a particularly rank deposit in the litter, her ass still smells even if she took care of biz cleanly. Alas, that was not the case. See, I put too much litter in her poop dome and therefore, Queen Fluffy Butt could not brace her chubby little body up high enough above the litter in order to deposit and then get out without making a mess. Poor thing had it all in her butt/back of leg hair. I mean, I doubt much was left in the litter. So what does a good mama do? Well, she cleans her daughters ass. And ass hair. She was NOT happy. However, she took it well overall. Poor thing. I think she might need a fanny trim. And Xanax.
-Gage and I just did full body stretches in tandem. How's that for being in sync with you pup?
-I desperately need a hair trim. My ends are just nothin' nice.
-I am giving the hubs an early Xmas present. I got him an LSU watch (yeah, I guess the big yellow helmet/mailbox was not enough) and he just broke his watch today so I agreed to cough up a gift early. Sucker say what?
-I have 2 movies to watch - Vanity Fair with Reese and Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic. I love Sarah so I imagine I'll pee myself for that one.
-Has everyone seen the iPod/Nike combo? That damn thing makes me wanna run almost. Almost.
-I got some of the cutest Xmas cards from the internets. Thanks to all who sent them. Loved them.
-So far, I am so digging this line up for the 40 best videos for 2006. I hope they release all these in 1 CD. That would save me some dollars. Of course, I already have Justin Timberlake, Fergie, Beyonce because having self control is so not me. It is only Xmas being like a week away that is keeping me from buying Gwen. The day it came out I had the shakes all day. Must. Have. The. Gwen. If I don't get it for Xmas, I will be out 12/26/06 purchasing it.
-Reba just hopped up on the arm of the sofa and wants to lay on the laptop so I guess all is forgiven. That is also a hint to get off here, so I'll listen since I violated my poor girl last night.


***UPDATED TO ADD*** It's 11 AM and I am still in jammies. Hehehehehe....

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Elizabeth at 9:14 AM


Saturday, December 16, 2006

Book #58 - Your Big Break by Johanna Edwards

I read another book by this girl called The Next Big Thing and ended up loving it. To my knowledge, these are her only 2 books in print. This book was about a young girl who lived in Boston who was employed at a company called Your Big Break, Inc. The company specialized in being the middleman in doing the ugly business of dumping someone. They also would do letters of resignation and the like but mainly it was about dumping the extra baggage in the bed beside you. Doing the whole "It's not you, it's me..." thing. Life was going along grandly until the main character, whose name escapes me like always, has a meeting with a potential client who wants her to dump her most recent boyfriend, who happens to be our heroine's father. Her married father. Uh yeah. It spirals out of control from there but it is, despite the somewhat depressing parts, a really nice, fast, light read. Perfect for me, in other words. I highly recommend.

PS - I am so gonna be able to do 60 books by the new year. How cool is that?

PPS - And yes, that is the highlight of my day and yes, I am that much of a nerd. Shut it.


Elizabeth at 8:39 AM


Thursday, December 14, 2006

Just when I was all prepared to be pissy

OK, the hubs really jacked my ass earlier tonight by doing what he does best - being a ball-less wonder. I had a post all composed in my head. And it was good. I would vent. Get it all out. Be the really nasty girl you know and love. Or at least tolerate.

Then I got a call. My step-mom called with PET scan results. Everything shrunk. Let me repeat that.

All of it. All the cancerous shit S.H.R.U.N.K.

The oncologist actually smiled. He was pleased. He did not expect it and quite frankly, I did not either. All of this time I had been preparing myself to be a half an orphan. I had literally had a dream where I was at his funeral with my brother sitting by me. It was so real.

Now, he goes in for more chemo. Two big major blasts - just like before. And then another PET scan. My step mom was going to wait for more treatment until after the holidays, but the oncologist was insistent that since this was going so well, then let's follow the momentum. Do it now. I wholeheartedly agree. I would so much rather my dad have one really crappy Christmas and maybe stick around for several more. If the PET scan he takes after these blasts shows more shrinkage, then he goes in for surgery. If that happens, then I go stay there for a while. I would love nothing more.

My daddy might live, y'all. I am gonna go cry for a little bit now.

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Elizabeth at 9:21 PM


Think shrinkage

Not THAT kind. Y'all are sick, you know that?

Today, my dad has a doctor's appt to get a shot (not sure of what and it is a series but he can't remember how many in the series. I so love men.) and could possibly get some preliminary results of his most recent PET scan. This will tell the tale. Is he a surgical candidate (good news) or has the tumor/whore cancer not shrunk enough and thereby necessitates more chemo (whore, part deux) and then some radiation? We shall see. I hope he gets SOME sort of results today because I am not good at the waiting. That is shocking, no?

So do whatever it is that you all do and/or believe in. Pray, chant, slam the gris gris on the whore cancer, knock on wood, throw salt over shoulder, WHATEVER. I could not give a shit less. I will take whatever positive vibes I can get. I will wrap them up in a nice bow (Dad is big on presentation) and sit them on his lap and say "See, the internet is not just poker games, Dad. They loves them some you because I have told them some stories about you yelling up the stairs to me and Krista when you were lonely when Terrie was gone. I told them of your fixation (a somewhat unhealthy one) of Frank Sinatra. I told them of you singing Christmas caroles in the mall while forcing Krista and I to hold your hand when we were TEENAGERS. And, above all that, I told them that at some point, the hubs will knock me up and how empty it will all seem if you are not there to sing to my kid. How else am I to explain to them that my kid's lullaby of choice is inexplicably New York, New York without having you as a reference point? And more than that, they know how much I love you and for WHATEVER REASON some of them seem to like me and find me amusing, so they are sending all this just for you." To that, he will say, "Did they send a perfect Manhattan to go with?" He's charming that way.

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Elizabeth at 4:00 PM



Man, I am just annoyed today by so many little things. I promise to do at least a bullet post later or one of Patti's famous PSAs.

Since I am stealing from Patti, I shall also steal from the Roundhouser and say "I hate people."

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Elizabeth at 1:18 PM


Wednesday, December 13, 2006

If I have not grossed y'all out before.....

Can someone please explain in laychick's terms the anatomy of one's urethra that enables said urethra to allow said laychick to pee and have it shoot OUT THE SIDE OF THE TOILET between the lid and the bowl thereby pissing directly on said laychick's sweat pants/work uniform? Also, while at it, please explain why said horizontal pissing happens in (pardon the pun) fits and spurts and why one can go weeks, nay months, with no sideways pissing and then all in one day, have to change clothes 3 times?

This is all hypothetical, of course.


Elizabeth at 2:45 PM


Holy crap!!!!

Sad to say that Peter Boyle who played Frank on Everybody Loves Raymond died today at the age of 71. That show friggin cracks me up. I think Frank might just be my favorite character too. I love that he did not give 2 shits about being politically correct or appropriate or even sensitive like ever. He was what he was and that was funny.

I love that show because at one time, the hubs and I were planning to build a house on the back part of his father's land down in Lafitte, near the water. So that show would have been my damn life.

Talk about dodging a fucking bullet. A giant bullet right up the ass.

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Elizabeth at 1:22 PM


Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Hospital at the butt crack and quit pissing me OFF

Well, I got the Momenator up to the hospital for her dewomanizing on time and she currently is loopy with anesthesia probably still waiting for the doc. I got her as far as I could then I came home to work. Oh, and she is not becoming a man - just having a hysterectomy - all the shit comes out. I was like "You'll do anything to lose weight, huh?"

Oh, and to my dear hubs, don't annoy me today. We actually have tomorrow evening off together for some fun naked time, mmmmkay? However, if you don't stop with the passive aggressive bullshit (no, it's fine if you don't do x, y, or z for me....it's ok.....insert big sigh here) I swear to God, I'll still have sex with you but you will wake up tomorrow morning with an ice pick in your neck. I am NOT in the mood.

We clear?

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Elizabeth at 8:53 AM


Monday, December 11, 2006

Book #57 - The Memory Keeper's Daughter and other shit

I finally finished this book today. It was such a good book and really well written. Not sure why, other than my love of all things fluff, that it took me so long to get into, but it was always good. Basically the premise of the book is a doctor delivers his own twins in 1964, the boy is fine, the girl has Down's syndrome. He sends the daughter away to be put in an asylum with his nurse. The nurse can't bring herself to leave the girl in this cold place so she takes her and keeps her as her own child. The doctor tells his own wife that while there was twins, that the daughter died. It follows all of their lives over 25 years. Very good read. Run out and grab it.

Weekend was quiet. No lunch with Karen since she had to work early. I did some OT this weekend to help at work and make a few extra dollars. Christmas is nuts, no? As much as I try to keep my budget, I invariably go over. Oh well, God bless overtime, am I right?

Saturday I worked and then hung out here. I watched 3 really great movies this weekend. One was Heaven with Cate Blanchett, then The Man Who Cried with Cate again, Christina Ricci and Johnny Depp and then this afternoon I caught An Inconvenient Truth. Man, that movie was amazing. Horrific and scary and startling. Regardless of political affiliation or your like or dislike of Al Gore, I highly recommend each and every person see it. The facts can not be disputed. I will be making changes to how I live my life. Bet your ass on that.

I also took another trip to Kohls Friday night since they had a nightowl deal going on. Got a few things. Sunday, I went to mass, to Target, Sam's, Walgreens and then home. I did a couple hours of work. Relaxed in the afternoon and took a snooze. Today, the poop and I went to the vet for his semi-annual visit which included a blood test, a fecal test (ouch) and then a physical. He did spectacularly well. Won the vet over as per usual. He was terrified that I'd leave him. I would NEVER but I guess in his tiny canine brain, I could take off at any second. Poor thing. As if. Then I had a dentist appt. No cavities. Yeah! However, I gotta floss more. I have been a major slacker in that area. No one likes tooth chubs, ya heard?

Well, tomorrow I have to be up at 5:45 to take my mother to the hospital for a hysterectomy. It's nothing serious but she'll be an inpatient for a few days. The hubs is working so do you bitches know what that means? Yep, this bitch has the house to herself. And we all know what that means.

Naked laps around the perimeter of the house.

I think I just figured out why the neighbors are horrified by me.

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Elizabeth at 9:58 PM


Sunday, December 10, 2006

Recent purchases and an announcement

Two recent purchases:

Two very cute animals - please note the centerfold-esque postion of Queen Fluff Butt

I am DONE with Christmas shopping and all the wrapping except for 1 present for the hubs. I also have all my cards done just waiting for stamps. Package for the parents is wrapped and ready to go and shall be picked up tomorrow.

Now let the bile flow with the hatred that I have 2 full weeks before the big day and I am DONE.

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Elizabeth at 8:19 PM


Friday, December 08, 2006

Um, what the FUCK?

Did I not move away from the Burgh? HUH???? Didn't I? Ok, peeps, before you get all up in my face saying "Hey, hobag, you asked for this shit." Yeah, I did. I did not ask for ice. Never did the words, "Hey some ice would be nice on the ROADS."

Let's face facts - I have very little faith in the dipshits that I live around. These bitches can't handle a slight freeze let alone ice. On the roads. On which they drive. With no blinkers EVER. At 80 mph.

I started work a tad early today so my usual grocery trip to the Wally was at 6 AM. I went in, did my thang and was back out for 7 (seriously, ladies, if there is any way you can shop this early, I highly recommend. It's you and the floor buffer peeps. That's IT.) Anyway, I came out and there was this shit on my car. From far away, it looked like gel and I was fixin to let loose with some non-Catholic approved curse words and all that, but um, no. It was ice. Whatever moisture had been on my car had frozen in the hour I was in the Wally. Then I hear crunch, crunch. I am WALKING on ice. Then I proceeded to almost bust my ass, but that is SO not the point. Of course being that I live in the fucking South, of course I don't have a scraper in the car.

What has happened to me? I used to be a hearty girl. Cold weather - pshaw, as TKW would say. Just bundle me up and I'm good to go. I was whimpering like a little bitch putting my groceries in the trunk (after I busted thru the ice over the lock). My Burgh relatives would be so ashamed. No one tell my Dad what a pussy his daughter turned into.

I went to mass last night with the hubs because it was some sort of Mary day. Conception? Something like that. Celebration of her conception. So I genuflected my ass off then came home to see my boys play some cold ass football.

In slightly better news, did y'all see my boys wipe the slate with Cleveland? Granted, it was CLEVELAND, but man, it was almost embarassing. For them, I mean. Willie Parker broke a franchise record which was cool. I am glad he did not break Franco's record though. That would have made me a sad girl. I loves me some Franco.

That's Franco Harris for you poor poor souls that don't understand the beauty and poetry that is Steelers football.

Fucking heathens.

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Elizabeth at 11:09 AM


Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Outside lights

UPDATED TO ADD: The hubs is well aware of the blown out lights already. His ass will be up there tomorrow. Damn friggin lights. (Holy shit, I sound like an old man)
I am a big believer in simplicity. Less is sometimes more, ya feel me? My spiral trees look like they are multi colored, but they are white also. Not sure why they photographed like that.

Damn FUG pic is too dark. I hate that.

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Elizabeth at 10:12 PM


Nabisco should rule the world

I feel like ass. Friggin planes and their germy after effects. I keep talking to hear myself because it sounds like an echo in my head and that's big fun. Can you say clogged ears? Makes doing my job a CINCH.

I am blowing off class tonight and even now, 13 weeks in, the Catholic guilt is getting me. Pathetic. Being that I am not yet Catholic, what does that make me? Catholicesque? Catholiclike? MiniCatholic?

The only thing making me feel better is Cheez-Its. However, they make me thirsty and I am out of water and I don't wanna get up. Therefore, my tongue feels like hairy and dry and gross.

Good news is that we got the Pooper's picture on our Xmas cards. Son of a BITCH if he is not the cutest damn thing ever. You all may think you have cute pets but unless he/she even bears the slightest resemblence to the King of all Poopers, then you would be so very wrong. I shall send them to whomever trusts me not to stalk them in emailing me your address. If not, I will most likely scan the bad boy and put his Santa cloaked ass right here on the net. Currently he is sitting just to the right of me staring at me because he has dog senses and he KNOWS that there is one Cheez-It left in this bowl.

Should I give it to him?

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Elizabeth at 6:33 PM


Book #56 - The Ex Files

This book was sorta unreal, but I still liked it. Done by Jane Moore who I have said before that I enjoy. The main characters were about to get married and each made the ridiculous decision to invite a few of each of their exes to the nuptials. Of course, all hell breaks loose when a huge secret is let out and mayhem ensues. Good book for those who like light drama of which none touches you.

I am still reading The Memory Keeper's Daughter, but seriously, I just can't do stuff that is not lighthearted anymore. It takes me a bit to get through something rather serious in nature. Even though this book is not a downer in any way, I just have this tendency toward frivolity lately. Who knows what my deal is? Anyway, shooting for 60 books by the end of the year. Should be able to do it. :)


Elizabeth at 2:06 PM


Tuesday, December 05, 2006

The bitch is back

Hi all, made it home safe and sound and am immediately back to work today. Trip was so nice. Dad looks cute with his sparsely haired head. Due to the loss and all, he decided to have my step-mom's friend take the clippers to it to sorta even it out since it was ragged. So now I call him Colonel. Only a matter of time before he makes us salute. Spirits are good, thankfully. When I gave him a hug bye on my way back to the airport, I leaned down and yelled right at his sternum "Go away, you cancer bitch!!!!" He found that amusing as hell. I'll update more later and I do believe I have a lovely FUG picture for Thursday. Think knee highs and skirt. Mmmhmmm. Hey, you dress like that, your ass is going on the net.

PS - the Pooper and Big Fluffy Butt missed their mama.

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Elizabeth at 11:54 AM