Thursday, November 30, 2006

Just realized....

In 7 hours, and 14 minutes, hurricane season will be over.

Thank the Lawd.

Elizabeth at 5:46 PM

A promise is a promise

OK, I was in college or just out? Wait, I can't remember. I should look on my credit report because that tells the tale RIGHT THERE. My cousin, Angela, used to babysit or nanny (can't remember which) for this other lady Angela's children. This woman was a Mary Kay associate. She would call my Ang to come babysit in the evenings when she had shows to do. And yes, ladies, they call them shows. Angela, being a normal girl was like transfixed by all the make up and perfume and fun bottles and shit in Angela's inventory. (OK, hereinafter my cousin Angela will be A1 and the MK Angela will be A2.) So once you sign the contract to be a MK associate, you barely get your feet in the door before they are majorly pressuring you to do two things - sign someone up and invest big money in having an inventory. Their reasoning is this about the inventory - how fun is it to order stuff from someone and then have to wait. You increase your chances of making a sale if you can literally put the lotion/foundation/eye shadow right into their hot little hand immediately. OK, that actually makes sense, I suppose.

Let me back track a bit. I first met A1's director (that is like someone who leads a team in MK) at an Eat N Park when I lived in the Burgh. Oh man, I miss me some ENP. I loved their smiley cookies and they had bad ass grilled cheese sandwiches. One would not think that there could be perfection in a grilled cheese, but I beg to differ. I used to worship at its cheesy goodness. But I digress.

I walk in and there sitting is A1 and her director, Peggy. OK, Peggy was like over the top. She was quite pretty in a very made up way, but it was her personality. She was just like waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay out there. Every single sentence that came out of her laquered lips ended in an exclamation point. All of them. And every single word was accompanied by a really exagerated facial expression or body language type deal. At first, I was like, whoa. So not my thing and I am sure she picked up on that. So then, what did she do? She appealed to my affection for my cousin. By signing the contract right then and there and giving my $100 for my kit thing (whose name escapes me right now) I would be helping my cousin who had just signed her contract just before this (are you starting to see the pyramid tactics yet?). The thing that I remember was her use of the words "Is there any reason why you can not _____?" Fill in the blank with whatever thing or idea she is trying to get you to agree to. Well, what on earth does a 22 year old girl say to that? I was a people pleaser - still am to some degree. (SHUT IT.) I thought to myself "Well, of course not, I want to help A1." And so I signed.

SHOWCASE. The kit was called a showcase. Nope, I'm not kidding. It was a pink suitcase type deal with all your samples in it. Just thinking about that makes me start to tic.

OK, fast forward to my first MK meeting. They encourage (that is the word they used so that it sounds all nicey nice, but seriously if you are not dressed correctly, you will be judged and whatever poor soul brought you in will be dressed DOWN, no pun intended) to dress professionally. If you are not a director (they all wear the same suits) or a Red Jacket (who is someone who is a team leader and therefore, wear a red jacket) you should wear a skirt, blouse, some sort of suit, whatever. Hose NOT optional. Heels NOT optional. You need to look the part. That means face done. Hair DONE. Nails, no bitten cuticles, no ragged ends, no unpolished natural look. Never in my life have I worn that many products at any given time. The one good thing I have going on my face is I have well shaped, without much maintenance, eyebrows. I like them. I don't fuck with them other than to make sure I don't have crazy strays and that they are brushed accordingly. These bitches made me think I was ruining the entire effect of the other 18 pounds of cosmetics on my face by NOT WEARING EYEBROW PENCIL. What the fuck was I thinking? You best believe I extracted an eyebrow pencil from my EXTENSIVE inventory (more on that later) and started fixing all that ailed me lest I run into Mary Kay Ash on the damn streets of the Burgh.

Oh and yeah, this was all while I was still up North. This was not near Texas, the land of large hair. I was like, what, 7 states away? In a state that prides itself on football, blue collar workers, steel mills, hoagies, and the mullet. That is where this MK stranglehold had taken place. Y'all do NOT know the power of a bunch of women who smell money and weakness on you.

So, ok, my first meeting. I go in to Peggy's room. Each director holds her own meetings in a meeting room at some random hotel somewhere. Being that we were in fairly close quarters and the level of estrogen in that building had reached epic proportions, the shit you heard was unreal. Peggy would come blazing in (oh, our name was the Peggy's Perfect 10s) and would encourage us to all get to our feet and sing the MK song. Now I am not sure if this is some patented song that is endorsed by their company. All I know is we sang it. I SANG IT. Loud and proud, bitches. I don't recall every word but as previously noted in my last post, it was about having that MK feeling down in your heart (patting the heart before resuming clapping to the rhythm of the song), down in your heart....Girls, I could bullshit you and act like I was like way too cool for this shit, but I partook and I partook of it whole friggin hog, mmmmkay? These women sucked me and A1 right the fuck in. Everything that they preached was like woman power. I should do this because I deserve it. I should go to these meetings because where else is a mom or housewife's accolades shouted from the rooftops like that? It is important to take the time to take care of one's self. Their agenda sounds amazing, no? I mean, in a world where one woman will not friggin hesitate to stab you in the back in the corporate world or the mommy world or even in your own friendships, how could being in a place where women boost each other up NOT be alluring? That was the shiny surface.

Let's dive into the underbelly now.

I was all happy and glowy (or else I was just shiny from the 3 layers of foundation) for the first couple of weeks. The idea ladies is to bring more girls IN. The more girls you personally bring in, the more money your make, the more the person who brought you in makes all the up the chain. Nope, not pyramid AT ALL. They want you to bring in your sisters, sisters in law, mothers, next door neighbors, etc. They literally give you a script to use complete with the catch phrase "Is there any reason why you can't...." These chicks that I thought were all content to live the MK life of God first, family second, career third were like up my ass to bring in the peeps. (I was very mistrustful of the whole God first thing because, at that time, I was about as anti-church as one could get without summoning up Satan, but I still got sucked in.) So bring in the peeps I did. Your initial goal is to bring in one person. So I brought in my boyfriend's sister who, I gotta say, was in dire need of a make over, bless her heart. Her name was Billie Jo and she lived with her husband who used to be the husband of her best friend. Oh, she also lived with her current daughter and now step daughter who was named, oh yeah, you guessed it, Billie Jo. The best friend/first wife thought so much of BJ (also how she stole the hubs, but I digress) that she named her kid that. Oh man, good times. But hey, who am I to judge? I just dragged her down there and gave her the opportunity to make herself into an absolute made up wonder who makes buckets of cash. In doing that, I elevated myself up a level.

The next goal, bring in 2 more chicks for a total of 3 peeps. That entitles you to a red jacket and to sit up at the head table with the other red jackets and lead the meeting with Peggy. A little prior to this, I was busy organizing my meetings, selling my ass off (I seriously thought I was going to pay my way thru grad school with this.) and wearing my MK pin loud and proud on every outfit I put on. Right before I starting doing any shows, I made an investment. We'll call it an investment instead of what it really was - STUPIDITY IN BUYING FORM. I purchased over $1600 of inventory in one quarter. That entitled me to a beautiful vegetable service dish and platter that is white and pink and trimmed in gold overlay. It sounds bizarre but I still have that platter and bowl to this day and it's gorgeous. My one remaining link to that part of my life.

Ladies, did you notice the amount of money I spent on inventory? By doing this, I think I sent Peggy into an orgasm and A2 who was to become my new director into a damn coma. This showed them that I took my new life seriously, that I had the faith in myself to purchase such a load, that I was clearly the stupidest girl to ever graduate with honors and that I would do anything...ANYTHING....to have these women's approval.

A few months into my red jacket status and inventory overload, something started happening. I cried. A lot. I would want to stay in bed and never come out. I hated going to work. I avoided the meetings. I screened my phone calls constantly. I do not know what brought on this bout of depression but it sat on me for a good few months. I felt like I had failed everyone, A1, A2, Peggy, myself, etc. I felt like the biggest loser known to man. I knew that this company was sucking my will to live away. It was never enough for them. Keep selling. Keep reaching for the next tier. Never settle for where you are. I could not take the PRESSURE. It was intense on a level that I could never adequately describe on here. I finally remembered that I had an out. A little known MK fact is that you can sell back to the company all of your inventory if you pack and ship it back and they will return 90% of what you paid for it. However, in order to do that, you have to get that form from your director, who at this point, was A2. (Due to mine and other people's efforts, she was able to splinter off from Peggy's Perfect 10s and do her own director thing.) I took the pussy way out and wrote her a letter requesting the form. She sent the form but with no accompanying note saying she understood or was sorry to see me leave or whatever. Nothing. This woman who just about licked my ass earlier on was now shutting me out. Right then, I knew I had made the right decision and a weight of the use of 17 products on my face and worshipping all things MK was lifted off me almost instantaneously.

I never regretted my decision and A1 and I have never discussed my decision which I am sure affected her at those meetings as well being that she brought in me, the heathen who dared to leave the fold. I know that she no longer does it being that she sold her inventory at a garage sale. LOLOLOLOL.

I am not sure what sort of person it takes to deal with that company but I know for sure it was not me. It is very cultish and not the shiny, happy place it appears from the outside. I don't regret going into that because it taught me how to answer the question "Is there any reason why you can't.....?"

Uh yeah there is - I don't wanna.

Labels: Family, Past

Elizabeth at 11:38 AM

8comments

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Happiness comes in the form of an email and really large hair

Got a "please for the love of God, help me" email from my step-mom about a gift she needs for a friend of hers. Um, I am working 10 hours a day, SM, so I shall send out slave boy, I mean, hubs to go get. (Note to self - not slave boy) However, she did throw in there that Pops is home and looking good. The surgeon is even talking about maybe gutting my dad like a fish and extracting some of that, Cancer the bitch. (Hereinafter always referred to as CTB.) That is good, people. A surgeon who does not wanna cut you open may as well just say "Yep, not worth my time because he/she is a goner." Sad but true.

In light of TKW's post yesterday of suburban parties and then today's post about beauty rituals, I have a humdinger of a post that I will try my hardest to do tomorrow. I do not think I ever posted about this chapter of my life and I do believe it will shatter, SHATTER, any thoughts y'all had of me. It would probably also make all of you rethink any future invitations to Blogger Blowouts. I have just two sentences for you.

I was a Mary Kay representative.

I sang the Mary Kay song of "I've got that Mary Kay feeling...down in my heart...down in my heart..." complete with hand gestures with as much feeling as I could muster with 47 pounds of make up on and my hair schlacked to within an inch of its life.

Chew on that while I finish working.

Labels: Dad, Random

Elizabeth at 9:49 AM

10comments

Monday, November 27, 2006

Book #55 - Love @ First Site and One down, Three to go

OK, book review first. This is another Jane Moore book. I got an onslaught of them at one time from the book service dealio I use. I have another one sitting back there somewhere too. Anyway, this one is about a girl who hates her job, is single and not thrilled about it, close with her fam but has that one friend who is truly the non-friend. Doesn't everyone have one of those? I used to. A girl I dealt with and honestly, I am not sure why. No energy for the confrontation, maybe? No balls for the confrontation is more like it. However, I made it a point of extricating a lot of the negative from my life this year and she was part of that.

Back to the book. The evil "friend" in the book signs up the main character to an online dating service - not a fun thing or a way to get a laugh but to just make her squirm. I won't even go into the rest of the book because a lot of things unfold and I will for sure give crucial details away. I am in the middle of reading a not quite as fluffy book called The Memory Keeper's Daughter. I gotta mix fluff into that though. I am just superficial that way, sorry.

Today was day 1 of the 4 ten hour days I have this week. Today was relatively painless. Started out slow but once those doctors got back to work, I was rockin all day. I would like to make up for the work I missed the last 3 days of last week, but I doubt that will happen. I could maybe make up 50% or so. I'll take it. I needed the break.

Tonight has been a quiet night. Just some tv and the Poop-a-loop at my side begging for some dirty rice. I could feed him until he exploded and still, he sit with his chin on my knee with the face of starvation on.

I've decided I want a big red barn star for above the tv. Lori over at Lost In Surburbia inspired me. I found several on ebay for next to nothing. I hope the hubs gets me one for Xmas. If not, I shall take care of it myself after the holidays.

OK, Catholics out there - question for ya. What is a feast day? It is not a holy day of obligation, right? What is the diff between those two things and why is mass attendance obligatory on the days of obligation and not feast days? Splain to me please. Of course, my cradle Catholic hubs did not know dick. Please - contain your shock.

OK, I'm off to read more trash and sit in my comfy bed kept warm by my fluffy cat and long legged, runs in his sleep, grinds his toofers, pitches an all fired fit when I am not touching him if he is on the bed (I will SO get that on tape one day) Poopus. Night night, all.

Labels: 50 Book Challenge, Decor, Religion, Work

Elizabeth at 10:21 PM

9comments

Big news in Big Knockers and my poor nose

Pam Anderson filed for divorce after just 4 months from Kid Rock. I wonder if it was because every time they had sex, he would jump up on the bed and scream like a banshee....."I'm gonna cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

No?

OK, then. On to my nose.

Something is in my damn nose. No, not flags or boogies. Well, probably boogies. It feels like I inhaled a gnat and every so often, that little fucker flutters and makes me nuts to the point where my eyes water and I can't work. I have sneezed like 4 times - none of them those crazy bring down the house type horn blowers, nope, not me - and NOTHING. Nada. The little fucker (if it is indeed a bug) won't budge. I have startled poor Reba so badly. She likes to nap on my desk while I work. I think the tap tap tapping of my typing lulls her into sleep the way a fan does for me. Anyhoo, I sneezed like 5 minutes ago and it was sorta sudden and I about had to peel her off the monitor.

Good times.

Labels: Illness, News, Reba

Elizabeth at 3:58 PM

5comments

Sunday, November 26, 2006

How I spent my day

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Here is my tree. My angel from years past bit the dust. I very intelligently put a candle in the tote that housed the angel and of course in my attic, that candle melted and now the angel is pink. NICE. So my tree is topless for the time being. Topless. Friggin whore.

I got up and went to mass today. I know people have their own ideas about church and religion and all that, and to that, I say, cool. Lord knows I have ran the friggin gamut on religion as a whole. I mean, for a while, I really was content to never step foot in another church again, save for the rare wedding or funeral. But with all that is going on, attending mass and my classes (which have been off the last 2 Wednesdays and I actually MISSED them) helps me. I get a little caught up in the singing and truth be told, having not been brought up as a Catholic, all the stuff they do still seems somewhat exotic to me. The genuflecting, the responsive stuff, the taking of communion every single time...all that. I feel more a part of a church community than another time in my life. Considering I have not even been baptized yet or partaken of the holy wafer (I say that just to make Shell think by reading it, she is hell bound), that is saying a lot. I pray all the time. I pray for me to stop being so angry. I pray for me to be kinder and less judgmental. I pray for me to let so many things GO. But lately, as you can imagine, I have prayed for my dad. I don't pray for a cure. I don't pray that one day he wakes up and it was just all a horrendous mistake. I pray for him to have strength and deal with this and I pray for him to at least feel peace. I pray that he knows how loved he is. I pray that if and when the time comes, he is surrounded by those who love him best, who understand that he did the best he could. I pray that I am holding his hand and rubbing it and he not only feels my love but a love from something bigger than him or me. It may sound like I have given up hope or resigned myself to the fact that a cure or remission is not in the cards. I can see how it might come off that way. I wrestle with this daily. I swing from one extreme of just wanting a miracle to the other extreme of picturing my life without him. 85% of the time I sit in the middle somewhere knowing that I have power over none of this. Fair or not. Crappy or not. Lucky or not. It is not up to me. That is what I pray for the most - the clarity to see that either way, my daddy will be ok. It is the hardest struggle I have dealt with in my 33 years.

The rest of my day was spent at lunch with friends which is a fabulous way to spend an afternoon. Particularly an afternoon where my boys got their ass handed to them in a shut out. Dude, 9 sacks on Ben. What the HELL? Um, offensive line? Come see for a sec. OK, the guys on the other side of the line of scrimmage? Um, yeah - they be not nice. They be like wanting to take your boy down. The job here is to block. BLOCK THEM. Perhaps if I draw pictures it will help. Y'all are friggin KILLING ME. And Ben, I know you are feeling the pressure in the pocket constantly, but if you throw one more pick, I swear to all that is good, I will fly up there and kick the living shit outta you. I'm just sayin.

Oh, and for those of you that perhaps were feeling a bit sad that with me attending mass and intending to finally be baptized and take communion for the first time in Catholic church in a few short months, I might perhaps quit cursing or whatever. Never fear. I imagine that the F bombs will be flying for years to come. Most people still get on my damn nerves and I will always refer to the hubs ex as Camel Toe Annie. Some things will NEVER change.

Word.

Labels: Dad, Random, Update

Elizabeth at 10:42 PM

12comments

Making my peace

My dad was rushed to the ER yesterday because his most recent dose of chemo took the snot right outta him. He does not want to eat due to his mouth being sore and he has no yearning to eat or drink anyway, in spite of the pain. Therefore, he got dehydrated and so weak that he needed to be rehydrated and also some packed red blood cells since his red count was so low. From my understanding these are both fairly common side effects of the chemo.

Due to this, my sister is going down there for Xmas - as is my brother. I won't be able to go. It is not a money thing. It is a work thing. My job is working for a company that works for medical facilities all over the US. Therefore, they don't close. People don't stop getting sick just because SFG wants a vacay. I have only been there since late July and they are already working with me to go see him next weekend. It is not possible for me to take off for Xmas. I have never felt more like shit in my entire life. I am trying to get over it by telling myself that I can easily go see him in the middle of January once everyone at work is back on their schedules, but that does not dispel the idea that this will more than likely be my father's last Xmas and yet, I won't be there.

Labels: Dad

Elizabeth at 10:40 AM

8comments

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Book #54 - The Other Woman and my day

This is a book by Jane Moore who has written quite a few great books. She writes lighthearted "chick lit" normally. I somewhat synopsized this book earlier this week, so I won't bother. The ending was nice though. Everything sorta came full circle.

I was a tad concerned about this week's work due to the doctors turning in very little work, but I was okay today, thankfully. I am not sure about the rest of the week though. We shall see. I figure if I make my personal production goals for 3 or even 4 days, then I can have one day where I have slowness. No biggie. The hubs works today and tomorrow but thankfully he is off for Thanksgiving because his ass is doing all the cooking. My job is pies and those bad boys just came out the oven. Hehehehehe. Done, bitches.

Just finished watching my Gilmore Girls. I am beyond annoyed that Lorelai married Christopher. I did not watch 6 friggin seasons on DVD for her to end up with that dude. WTF???

Now I am waiting for that new show, 3 Lbs to come on. I love me some Stanley Tucci. Balding or not, he is sexy as hayell. Yum.

I watched Letterman last night to check out Kramer doing is big apology. I am not sure what the hell happened to that dude. From the tapes I saw, I mean it looks like he just plum lost his damn mind. His career is over for sure. He was a funny dude. Too bad he went down that road.

OK, I know most of you bitches work outside the home, but I love me some Regis and Kelly. I don't start work til 10 so I can normally catch the bulk of it while I make myself less of a slob. I saw last Friday with Clay Aiken co-hosting in Regis' place. First, let me just proclaim right now that the dude needs to come flying out of the closet in a rainbow colored caftan and call it a day. Oh, and fire his stylist FORTHWITH. However, he was a bitchy little queen through the entire show. Kelly was all psyched to interview Emmitt and that dance chick because she friggin loved that damn show. Talked about all the time. He got all pissy because she was monopolizing the questioning. Oh, I'm sorry, but the name of the show is Live with Regis and Kelly, not Live with Regis and Dude who is staying in the closet.

Then, Rosie "I can't shut up to save my soul" O'Donnell is lambasting Kelly for her so called homophobic comment. Clay attempted to cover her mouth in order to get more questioning in and she got visibly annoyed. She backed up and went "Oh, no, no, I don't know where that hand has been." Um, how exactly is that homophobic? She did not say his hand smelled like sweaty balls. She did not say "Hey, I detected day old Astroglide on that palm." Get over it, Rosie. Oh, and PS - you just called him gay. So much for him keeping his sexual orientation a secret. Ya know, for those of us who still weren't clear he was gay - the sightless and deaf.

Dad underwent his second blast of chemo yesterday. As per usual, he felt great yesterday, but he knows that by Wednesday, he'll feel like ass. I hope that by a week from Friday, when I arrive, he is not so under the weather. I am fine hanging out and chilling, but I just hate for him to feel nasty and not want to eat. After this, he is going to get another PET scan and CT scan to see if the cancer cells shrank at all. The major concern is of course the lymph nodes. Frankly, it is not promising being that the surgeon is not even anticipating doing surgery. You know those dude would cut open anything if they could, so the fact that he is sorta steering him towards additional chemo and radiation means he does not think he is a good candidate. What that means for survival time is not clear to me just yet. I am just trying to get through this day to day.

I do not have much Xmas shopping to do at all, but I may take a ride out to Kohls Saturday after work and finish up. I hope they are still having their cool ass sales that day and not just Friday. Not sure. Might be too tired.

The chill has finally hit us, thankfully. I am loving it. I actually had to bust on the heat briefly today. Loved it. It is killing me to not put out my Xmas decor yet. KILLING. ME.

Labels: 50 Book Challenge, Random

Elizabeth at 9:10 PM

9comments

Monday, November 20, 2006

Brain dump

I can't believe that someone actually perhaps had an attack of the conscience and axed the OJ interview. It is also my understanding that the book will not be released either. I should hope not. I mean, how much more do the Brown and Goldman families have to take? Thank goodness it will just be not on. He does have his nerve though. Not sure how he lives with himself.

I was off today. Work should be quiet this week. Apparently my accounts for work have notoriously low volume during this week. However, I get paid on production so that sorta blows. Well, what can ya do? Hey if it is only this week and perhaps the week of Xmas, then no problemo. I got up today, cuddled with the hubs when he got home, ran to Target to pick up rx, picked up some soft drinks at CVS since they were on sale, then came home. The hubs made me a wonderful French toast breakfast and then I literally fell into a coma. The hubs left for work about 12:15 or so and I promptly knocked the hell out. I woke up at 3 in time to see Oprah drool all over Beyonce and Jamie Foxx. Turned that right off. I do very much want to see the movie - it looks fabulous. I just can't deal with O much anymore.

Finally took a shower about 5:30. I dusted the living room, cooked dinner, washed out bedding. That was my big day. I so friggin love days like this. Oh and the topper????? Charlie Brown Thanksgiving is on in 13 minutes. When Snoopy sets the table like he is dealing cards, it friggin slays me.

I am reading this book right now called The Other Woman that is basically about a woman who marries this man who is incredibly close to his family, specifically his mother. Long story short, at the point I am at, the couple split up because the mother of the man ended up having an accident with their child and the child ended up with a couple broken bones but some potential swelling on the brain (this all occurred because she failed to listen to the woman's wishes and leave the damn kid in his crib). The woman had been asking the husband to intervene on her behalf with the mother and her overbearing ways but of course he refuses - does not want to get in the middle. Sounds like a legitimate argument, right? However, I so understand this woman. I so get her. If I had a kid and allowed my step-daughter or anyone in his family, really, to babysit (hahahahahaha, um, NO) and she ended up inadvertantly hurting my kid, I'd flip. Of course it was an accident, but the problem was that the husband never took his wife's side. That has been a pervasive problem in my marriage as well. The answer was for me to remove myself from an entire segment of his life. It sucks that I had to do that though. It should have never come to that. I should have never had to cry about the treatment I received. The thing that kills me is that he has yet to ever sit his kids down or anyone for that matter and say "You know what, the way you treat my wife is bullshit. Frankly, it's too late to do anything about it because she is about as over you as she could be, but I want you to know that I hate how you have acted and I think it sucks." It has never occurred to my knowledge. I doubt it ever will.

No RCIA class this week due to Thanksgiving. We did get a new priest to help out Father Mike, thank goodness. Poor dude was working 15-16 hour days and ended up running himself down so much, he collapsed. New dude will be teaching our class. Met him briefly and he seems nice enough. I hope I continue to enjoy the classes, because so far, they have brought me a lot of happiness and understanding. PS - question for y'all. What does one get your priest or minister for Xmas? Do you give a gift at all? I believe I would like to considering he was also our teacher and has been so fab. I was not thinking anything over the top, maybe a giftcard for Starbucks since he seems like a coffee hound.

Lucy is fixin to screw Charlie Brown again. I so love that HAB.

I made two drafts of a potential Xmas card for us to send out with the Pooper on them. If they work out and you would like to see his highness in all his Xmas glory, just email me your address. He is nothing if not Pooptacular. Gotta see how they turn out first though.

Took all my Xmas totes filled with all my Xmas decor out of the attic today. :). Once I get back from seeing the Dadenator, I shall be decorated up. :) I leave Dec 1 and get back the 4th, so definitely by that weekend, my shit will be all up and fab. Love it.

OK, I am off to have a very Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. Catch ya later, bitches.

Labels: Brain dump, Random

Elizabeth at 7:41 PM

6comments

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Questions for the internets

I am starting to really get some lines below and around my eyes. Any idea for a good eye cream? Nothing heavy, maybe even a gel would be good. Please give me your thoughts.

I seem to have this tendency that is offputting to those that do not know me well. Granted, none of you have met me in real life, but my personality is pretty clear on here. Any advice to maybe tone down my...um.....let's go with bitchiness?

Has anyone read some really awesome books lately? If so, cough those titles up, please.

Does anyone have one of those prelit Xmas trees? I have resisted them, but the practicality just is so obvious. Thoughts?

Any questions for me?

Also, I check my site meter fairly often and I have a shitten ton of lurkers that don't comment. Say hi once in a while people. I seeeeeee youuuuuuu.

Labels: Questions

Elizabeth at 8:14 PM

19comments

Saturday, November 18, 2006

PSAs

To the young girl sitting 5 rows down at the movie last night:

You know what, Tiffani with an I dotted with a heart? That annoying fucking cell phone that you keep opening and closing so that while trying to watch this shitty movie (an aside - skip the Return with Sarah Michelle Gellar) is bright as fuck and keeps distracting me. So just as I am watching Sarah Michelle drive in a truck that changes color midway through the flick, BEAM, there is you text messaging again. Seriously, I almost took your Razr/Crazr/Sidekick and wiped my ass with it.

To the young "man" who is still insisting on bumping down the street despite my earlier PSA:

Duuuuuude, you are on my last fucking nerve. I noticed that you don't come around as much. So, you tapped that already, huh? Yeah, I'm not shocked. Now go snag some penicillin.

To Jennifer Love Hewitt aka Wondertits:

Honey, you are a pretty girl. Seriously, you are. However, no matter how thick of eyelashes you glue on there, no matter how much you back comb your hair, no matter how many 40s style dresses you wear with your boobages at attention, you are NOT Audrey Hepburn. Let it go, sister.

To my neighbors of whom I have spoken in the past:

I seriously can not wait for y'all to LEAVE. The lovely TURQUOISE portable storage unit you unceremoniously plopped half way off your driveway into the grass separating our property is beyond the limits of tacky. Just when I think you can get no worse. Oh, and that dog that does not shut the fuck UP any time you all are not home? Yeah, can't wait for that fucktard to leave either. Need help packing? Want us to pay your first house note? Anything we can do - NAME IT. Just GO.

To Jefferson Parish?

Y'all suck for sending a $530 property tax bill right before Xmas. Luckily we have the money or I'd have to be going all gonzo on your ass. You still suck though.

To Tyra Banks:

OK, true, I have never once sat down and watched your show. Nevertheless, you and your giant sevenhead (too big to be a forehead) need to GO. The fact that you had a show in your freakin underwear is ridiculous. Seriously sweetheart, go get married and drop out of the biz, would ya?

I think that's it for now. I'll empty my brain later.

Labels: PSA

Elizabeth at 5:24 PM

3comments

Thursday, November 16, 2006

SPF - in honor of the Blog of the Month, Missing JT Snow

That chick over in CA wants us to do the following in honor of National Epilepsy Month for SPF:

-something we seize
-something that shakes
-something purple.

This is something I seized. Well, I seized control really. Of our finances. This bill organizer used to be such a source of stress for me. I take care of the finances in our home and seriously we played check roulette and did the "please for the love of GOD, don't let that bill clear just yet" game many a time. Well, several months back, the hubs and I took one of several steps to make sure that never happens again. I can't even begin to say what a relief that is.

This is what shakes. No, not the big J. My faith. As most of you know, I started taking RCIA classes a few months back in an attempt to find out where I belong. I don't talk too much about it here lately, but I am happy to say that I think I found my place. My classes are teaching me a lot and lately my faith is stronger now than it has been in a long while. I truly believe that I am making it through this trying time with my Dad's illness because of my belief that regardless of what happens, I have a soft place to land. It does NOT make it any easier though.

Something purple. My really cool suede bag. I bought this while evacuated 2 or 3 years ago in Houston. I got it on sale and instantly fell in love. Now if I ever evacuate to Houston again, I am so looking up the Houston Blogging Bitches to shop with!!!!

So did you play?

Labels: SPF

Elizabeth at 10:05 PM

13comments

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Rain drops keep fallin' on my head

How, I ask you, HOW is a girl who loves her some rain storms supposed to do work when there is a luscious rain storm raging out there? This sort of weather calls for candles, popcorn, a throw, the original Halloween movie, and a Pooper by one's side.

Will someone please email my supervisor and tell her I am unable to work today?

Quick side note:

Said storm started about 5 this morning. Now Reba, brave girl that she is with her Paw of Death, hates rain. I never even saw when she took off, but suffice it to say, she is undoubtedly traumatized under my bed.

Gage, my big strong Poop-a-loop, was laying in bed with us. I had gotten up to pee because I pee more than an old man whose prostate is the size of his head, and even the hubs had woken up due to the loud thunder. I climb back in bed with my hubs and my doggie and then the dog sees lightening. Not sure what he thought was going on, but his answer to it was to bark at the lightening. I cracked up. We called him back to the bed to lay in between us and be all secure, so the barking would stop. The hubs fell back asleep, but as I was laying there getting ready to nod off myself, I hear Gage, "Mmmmmmrrrmmmmmffff." He did one of those "I know I should still bark since the lightening is still going, but I am tired bear." The bark was one of those closed mouth, no effort, lip fluttering barks. So there I am, 5:30 AM in a bed with a hairy man, a hairy dog laughing to myself.

That, my friends, in a nutshell, is my life.

*****UPDATED TO ADD*****
It is now noon. Reba just NOW strolled out from where ever her hiding place was. He walked into the room where I work and tapped me on the leg. I look down and she proceeded to meow for 5 solid minutes while I talked to her a made a big fuss because the Queen Bee decided to come out. In essence, she no likeah the rain.

Yeah, she talks to me. Shut it.

Labels: Reba, The Pooper, Weather

Elizabeth at 10:08 AM

10comments

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Hang on to your Cheetos, people - the Brit is passing through.

Britney Spears visits her Louisiana hometown

God love her. And her gravity defying breastisis.

Labels: News

Elizabeth at 3:33 PM

7comments

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Book #53 - The Yoga Mamas

Yep, I finished this book in less than 24 hours. I know, it's a sickness. This book is written by Katherine Stewart who also wrote Class Moms, a book I read a few months back. I liked this one so much better. It centers around 5 women who meet in a yoga studio in New York City, all of whom are pregnant. None of them have a thing in common other than the fact that each of them are undergoing their first pregnancy. They begin to become friends and are each so pleased to find someone who understands how this all feels.

The story is so much more than that - a bit of a mystery unfolds which ripens the story big time, but the base of the book centers around these women.

Good read - pick it up if you get a chance.

Labels: 50 Book Challenge

Elizabeth at 10:48 PM

6comments

And yet it will cost me $10K to get knocked up

Mother Accused of Tossing Kids into SF Bay

Ya know, I don't know this whole woman's story, but I just don't understand why there are women who kill their children and yet there are tons of women like me who have to jump through hoops with heaps of cash just for the hope of having my own.

I do not get it.

Labels: Waste of Space

Elizabeth at 10:23 PM

11comments

Thanks for the bone, Ben, Book #52 and other crap

Well, my boys pulled it out, so Ben's jaw is safe for another week.

I also have to catch up on book reviews. So book #52 was "The Same Sweet Girls" by Casandra King. I had read another book of hers, "The Sunday Wife" and while the story is out of my brain right now, I remember liking it. Well, this book was fabulous all the way to the incredibly bitter sweet ending. In fact the very end was just perfect. I loved it.

The book was about 6 girls who had been friends since college. One of the originals had died at the age of 25 and another girl had sorta filled her spot since then and had inadvertantly given the group their name. I won't go into it because it would take forever, but it was a wonderful book that showed how even in our dysfunctional friendships with some of our friends, we get so much more than we put out from them. I just loved it.

I have been a slacker with putting pictures on here, so this is a shot I took one night outside my house. Is that sky not amazing?

This is why I will go to Pet Owner Hell.

Well, that and this.

Sorry, but this shit just cracks me UP.

Labels: 50 Book Challenge, Football, Pictures, The Pooper

Elizabeth at 7:49 PM

4comments

Hey Ben, throw a bitch a bone, ok?

Hehehehe, I said bone.

Dear Big Ben:

Y'all are playing the Saints today. THE SAINTS, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. Other than this year and then some random year back in the 80s I think, they have sucked hard core. There is no reason why y'all can't win this. I know at this point I have a better shot of winning back my virginity than you do of even finishing up at .500 this season, but seriously dude. I am fixin to fly up there and kick the shit out of your titanium jaw.

Gracias.

I tried to bet my friend's hubs on the game but he said no. I wanted him to wash my car if my boys win, but he quickly backed off. I smell fear. Could not possibly be all the dog snot on the inside of my windows from Gage getting so excited when I take him in the car that he does this really lovely projectile sneezing thing, right?

No, I think it's fear.

Pussy.

Labels: Football

Elizabeth at 3:18 PM

2comments

Friday, November 10, 2006

My weekend - a preview

I'm sure y'all are just chompin at the damn bit as to what my plans are right? Well, currently I am working. Sorta. Then, the hubs is grilling us some yummy burgers for din din. Gots to love that. He is off today and had a doctor's appt for his diabetes and high blood pressure. The dude is 40 and falling the fuck apart. That is what I get for marrying a man that old. ;) Damn insurance best be paid up.
Tomorrow, I work, so does the hubs but then we are having a yummy Italian dinner out with the Momenator. It is not really a date night since we are bringing our own chaperone, but I'll take what I can get. We may go see a flick after - either The Return with SM Gellar or that Christian Bale flick. I could not give 2 craps what the Christian Bale movie is about. He's in it. Good nuff.
Sunday, the hubs works, so it's church for me, then lunch with Karen at Houstons. I so love that place. Then home to clean house and watch the Steelers play the Saints. They play them maybe every 5 or so years. Last time it was down here and I got to go. Steelers lost. Ask me if I gave a shit. They warmed up right in front of me. I almost shit. I felt like those psychopathic women who faint at the site of like Elvis or the Beatles. If I ever get to see a home game at Heinz field, seriously, I will have to medicate myself.
Monday is nothing special. The hubs works in the morning and I don't think we have any special plans after that. I may do some more Xmas shopping, but other than that, nothing major.
A quiet weekend. The type that I LOVE.

Labels: Weekend

Elizabeth at 2:22 PM

10comments

Thursday, November 09, 2006

I...can't.....breathe.................

OK, I love my job, right? I sit and listen to doctors say all this cool stuff and sometimes really sad stuff about these people that I don't know. And there is no office politics because my office consists of me and while I can be a bitch sometimes, I am rarely a bitch to myself.

Well, this chick I work with kept telling me to look out for this one doctor. In her very PC way, she said "Oh, you know, I think he is like maybe (whispers) Asian." She also is in her home working so why she was whispering Asian like that is beyond me. Anyways, I just got to him.

Holy Eggroll, Batman. He was giving the diagnosis of this wee baby and he tried to say gastroesophageal reflux disease. Bless his heart. It came out more like gassoooooooooesophagrill weefwux dirrease.

I have half a mind to email the PC chick and go "You know, I noticed no accent. I think the fact that you assumed he was a gook was just WRONG. Now you go think about that and get back to me when you become more tolerant. Also, my husband is (whispering) part gook, so please don't slam them. Just because they can't drive. Or say their R's."

I fucking slay me.

Labels: Work

Elizabeth at 4:15 PM

7comments

So it's just me then.....

Is anyone else laughing their fool heads off at the story about Denise Richards tossing laptops off of a balcony in a fucking freak out of the century over paparazzi and the shit landing on 2 old women - and I mean, old - 81 and 90. I mean, way to show your true diva colors, bitch.

Luckily the women were not badly hurt (which is why I can laugh), but damn girl, take a Xanax and go lay down for a wee bit, mmmmkay?

Oh and Hi, God? It's me again. Um, it's November and it is like 80 degrees out. Normally I suppose this would not bug me but I was like tres excited to be able to not have to drive through the inclement weather since I now work across the hall from my bedroom thereby cutting out the daily commute. And I have gotten a total of ONE DAY of inclement weather.

Throw a bitch a bone, mmmkay? Bring a storm through this here area.

Labels: Questions

Elizabeth at 4:06 PM

2comments

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Meme stolen from Tammy

1] What is your middle name? Ann
2] What color is your mailbox? It's a giant LSU helmet so it's bright fucking yellow.
3] Are you available? Um, I am gonna go with no.
4] Have you ever hit a deer? No.
5] Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home? Home from where? Work? No. Lunch with Karen? Yes.
6] Do you get the paper delivered to your house in the morning? Yes, but why is the question. It never gets read. I do online news, bitches.
7] Who checks the mail in your house? Normally me.
8] Do you have a small driveway? Yes, we need it bigger.
9] Do you know anyone with the same ringtone as you? No, and my friend says it is ghetto fabulous.
10] What do you do first in the morning? Pee.
11] What brand is your printer? Lexmark.
12] Do you enjoy fighting with people? It makes me tired, so no.
13] Is your hair naturally straight or curly? Oh, if only. It is a hybrid of both and looks like shit unless I straighten it.
14] Who was your kindergarten teacher? Um, dunno. I do recall the whore lifting my shirt up in front of a boy to see if I had chicken pox (I did) but my tiny tatas were out there for the world to see.
15] Are you taller than your mother? Yeah. I'm a statuesque 5'4". She is 5'2".
16] Do you have a favorite word? Stupid ass.
17] Are you God? Um, no. If I was, oh the fun that would be had.
18] What do you do to get over a broken heart? Chocolate.
19] Do you have a deep dark secret? Yes. Doesn't every one.
20] Do you enjoy writing in colored pens? No, I am a blue or black girl.
21] Does anything hurt on your body right now? No, amazingly enough.
22] Do you often cry during a movie? Sometimes.
23] Do you hate your life? No, it has gotten better recently.
24] Do you get mad easily? Um, psycho say what?
25] What is your biggest pet peeve? Oh, that list could be lengthy. Let's go with slow drivers in the fast lane. Look, when you see a tiny white car coming up your ass like a bullet train, I am gonna go with MOVE.
26] What is your away message? Don't have one.
27] Do any of your friends have kids? Yep.
28] Who should pay on the first date? The man. Unless the woman asks him, but he should still totally do the "let me reach for my wallet" deal and allow her to protest and then go "well, ok." Sorry, somethings I am very old fashioned about.
29] How many years older than you are you willing to date? I am not much of a dater. You know, since the wedding and all.
30] Do you have any friends? I sure hope so.
31] Do you have any mean friends? Yes. Mean friends are the bestest.
32] What is the ugliest color in your opinion? Drab green.
33] Have you ever liked someone who all your friends couldn't stand? Yes
34] Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff? Yes.
35] Do you itch your ears? You mean with like car keys like the dude I saw in the Wally the other day? Uh, no
36] What brand are the pant/jeans you are wearing right now? Wearing pjs. Gots to love working from home.
37] How tall are you? 5'4"
38] What is the closest green object? My cup o' diet coke.
39] What is on your feet? Nothing.
40] Do you like watermelon? Oh yum, fo sho.
41] Do you want to have kids? Yes, I do.
42] What is the brightest color you are wearing? Nothing really. Pretty muted tones in these here parts.
43] Who is the friend you have that you would never have expected to have gotten to know? No clue
44] What is your mothers middle name? Louise.
45] Stupidest movie you ever saw? Spawn.
46] Do you like your dad? I heart him.
47] Do you have any TV shows on DVD? Sex and the City, Season 1.
48] Are you wearing makeup? Si.
49]Do you have a tattoo? No, needles are no bueno.
50] Do you know how to draw? No. I totally suck at it.
51] Who is your hero? I don't really have one.
52] Who did you last IM? probably Jen.
53] Do you work a lot of hours? As in work as in get paid? No, a typical 40 hour week normally. Now do I finish this job and then stop out and do job #2 of taking care of the entire house? Yes. So yes I work a lot.
54] What do you do when you are stressed out? I tend to get a wee bit testy.
55] Who was the last person to call you? Hubs.
56] Is there anything you regret? Yes.
57] Do you know where your family name originated from? Ireland I think.
58] Is there an animal that creeps you out? Cockroaches.
59] What was the last thing you did for fun? Ummmmmmmm, not sure really. Lunch with a friend, I guess.
60] Last time you cried? At church on Sunday. They played one of my dad's fave hymns.

Labels: Meme

Elizabeth at 1:31 PM

3comments

About damn time

Donald Rumsfeld resigns today.

Labels: Politics

Elizabeth at 1:07 PM

0comments

Proof positive that I live in the most ignorant fucking state in the nation

Yep, what would get one to lose a re-election?

Embezzling?
Giving valuable gov't contracts to your kids?
The Feds finding 90K in your damn freezer?
A tape of you taking bribes?

Anywhere else in the whole fucking country, your ass would be gone. But never fear, William Jefferson, the dumb ass people of your district allowed you stupid stank self to get to the run off. And yes, these would be a lot of the same people who put Ray "Chocolate City" Nagin back in office. So their ignorance and dipshittedness (it is a word today) is well-documented.

Just when I think the dumbasses around here can't get any dumber, they grab a ladder and climb their way up to a greater level of ignorance.

Gosh, I have no clue why I feel so incredibly superior to most of the residents of the ENTIRE TRI-PARISH AREA.

Well, that and I have read more than one book. Without pictures even.

Labels: Politics

Elizabeth at 9:43 AM

4comments

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Brit pulls a Whit

In a vain attempt to get her career back on track, Britney Spears filed for divorce from the the Kev today in California citing irreconcilable differences - that's legalese for "his ass ain't got no job."

Labels: News

Elizabeth at 5:22 PM

4comments

What I was doing while the bitches were blogger blow outing

Yeah, I missed the damn thing. Fuckity fuck. For once in my life it was not a money thing. I know, shocking right? It was a work thing. Since I am a new girl and my supervisor was very kind enough to allow me to muck up my schedule later on this month to go see my sick Pop, I did not feel comfy asking for yet more favors. Ya feel me? Does not mean a bitch was not pissed while working on Saturday afternoon because I KNEW y'all were out taking booby pictures.
So my weekend - let's think. Friday night after work, my mother and I watched yet more Gilmore Girls. We were so tantalizingly close to being done that we watched them all weekend to complete the final season so that we are offically in the knew of all things in Stars Hollow. Don't hate. So tonight when it comes on, I know exactly why Lorelai freaked the fuck out on Luke and the wedding is off. These things are important, ladies. Saturday, I finished work and then hit Sam's to buy bags of chicken, bags of salmon, and our Thanksgiving turkey. Then since my poor mom and I had literally been holed up in the house the bulk of the week, we went all crazy and had a quick bite to eat at Chili's. Got home and yep, you guessed it, more Gilmores. Shut it.
Sunday I was actually off, so we did the church thing. Um, color a Protestant so surprised that rather than getting in everybody's damn way while they tried to go up and have them them some Jesus, my dumb ass could have been going up and getting a blessing from Father Cracker all this time. Yeah, I had no idea. I was sitting there, well kneeling there, doing some praying while the hubs and all the other people not on the fast track to hell like moi were partaking of the holy wafer. So after finding out this tasty morsel (no pun intended), I went up for my blessing which was nice. I do like Father Cracker. He is good people. Then, of course, the closing hymn was one of my Dad's faves, so what does a bitch do? Starts crying in church. Mmmhmmm. I so know how to make an exit.
We then drove up to BR-town to take some things back to Kohls that I had purchased online but had arrived damaged, a frame and a candle. We get there, I finish my transaction and then begin to shop. Let me just say that prior to taking the two things back, I checked the frame area for that particular frame since I really just wanted to make an even exchange, but since I say things on the internet like "have them some Jesus" no frames were to be found. I shop a little and on my way out I decide to just do one more frame drive by to make sure that there was not another frame that would do just as well. Imagine my surprise when right there on the shelf that I plowed through not 30 minutes earlier, sat a frame - the exact frame I wanted. I look at hubs, he looks at me and I go "That is my broken frame." I pick it up, shake the box a little and yep, little tinkles of broken glass are making noise in there. I specifically said "I ordered these online but they arrived BROKEN." Is there a definition of broken to which I am not privy? Could that mean I just don't want it, but hey, it's in fine shape? Nope, they popped that bad boy right back on the shelf. What the HELL? So yeah, I emailed them when I got home and complained that even while having upper mgt in the store (I saw them while doing my return), clearly their stock people don't give 2 shits if they are putting broken merchandise on a shelf. Will that keep me from shopping there? Oh hell no, but I had to vent to them.
Then I got home in time to watch my boys in black and gold suck ass YET AGAIN. Really chapping my ass, them boys are. But we had a fabulous dinner of steaks on the grill, red potatoes and asparagus to make me feel better. Yum. DH and Brothers and Sisters were not repeats so the night ended perfectly. :) Yesterday I had carved out the entire day to do nothing. Over the last several weeks, I have run around every single day that I did not have to work doing something for someone and I was burnt. I literally laid around all damn day. We finished up the Gilmores for good in the morning, popped them in the mail. I finally took a shower at about 1 after my Us Weekly had showed up in the mail (score!!!). Then I completed my laying around. Took a snooze and waited for the hubs to come home. He was helping deliver voting machines since 5 AM in the morning. He finally got home and then we watched the bulk of the CMAs. All I really wanted to see was Sara Evans sing. She did not come on until like 9:30 but she looked beautiful as always. I have always thought she was so underrated. Her voice is fabulous and her songs and CDs are always great, but she never gets the attention of Faith Hill or Martina McBride. If anything comes out of this scandal with her idiot hubs, I hope it makes her more of a household name and helps her sales. She is one of the most talented for sure.
Anyways, that was my big weekend. Now today it's back to work. Let me know what you all did!

Labels: Update, Weekend

Elizabeth at 9:15 AM

7comments

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Book #51 - Mine are Spectacular

That is a phrase that on eof the characters says to herself daily in the mirror while cupping her boobages. I shit you not.
The book centered around this woman who is engaged to a dude who has a few bucks so they move out of the city and into the burbs in this big ass house outside of NYC. Her best friends, a dermatologist (who does the little ditty up above) and a former Hollywood agent who leaped off the fast track onto the Mommy track, keep her sane while trying to deal with an intrusive ex-wife who has made it clear she wants her man back, a soon to be step-daughter who acts like the spoiled bitch from hell and a consistently absentee soon to be hubs. That's no bueno.
The story was good moved quickly. I like how it ended up in the end. Not all tied in a bow, but nice enough.
I actually finished this book well over a week ago and have moved on to #52, but I just kept forgetting to post this. I am still knee deep in Gilmore Girls DVDs from the Flix. Six more episodes and I am officially done. Then I will finally see some movies and then on to season 2 of the Sopranos. I so DIG that show.

Labels: 50 Book Challenge

Elizabeth at 1:41 PM

2comments

Friday, November 03, 2006

SPF - Clint style

Kristine is once again taking pity on a bitch and doing a super easy SPF. So here you go. She wants the good, the bad and the ugly.

Lookah my boy. He is at his happiest when he can run like a loon and be dirty. Much like my husband.

The bad. Oh son. He tore up a toy that we seriously thought would last forever. The legs of this stuffed horse were freaking braided rope. No match for this bad ass.

The ugly. Gas prices in southern Cal this past Spring. Thank the LAWD they have come down. I pay less than 2 bucks now. Booooyah!

Let me know if you played, bitches.

Labels: SPF

Elizabeth at 9:46 AM

14comments

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

The holiday that broke down my dog.

So last night was Halloween. I don't have any cute pictures of Gage wearing his pumpkin shirt, but suffice it to say, he was a huge hit. Very cute. Way cuter than that fucking weiner dog dressed as a hotdog. If I followed that logic, I'd have Gage in assless chaps and a leather fringe vest being that he is a big flaming queen.

So anyhoo, I finished work at 6 and as we all realized, it is fucking dark now at six. Shit, it's dark at 5:30 now. I no likey. So knowing that most kids that trick or treat aren't exactly up carrousing around at like 9 at night, I asked my mom to please take care of the kids that show up before I log off work. I had Gage all dressed and ready to go - looking all cute and shit. A few stragglers showed up early, but for the most part, I was there for all the action. We decided I'd hold Psycho Sam back and Mom would dole out the goods. At first, all went well. We had a big night of frozen pizza and a Gilmore Girls DVD to watch, so we were all set.

Then, it showed up at the house.

A very well dressed mummy. His mom went the whole 9 yards on this kid. White face make up, black rings around the eyes, bandages hanging off him and very nicely wrapped up. My big bad ass attack dog? Yeah, he stayed under the coffee table where he could keep an eye on that creature while uttering a low growl. I went "Awww, bud, come on over." He sprang out from under the table around the other side of it and sat in between my legs with his head on my knee - clearly protecting me from the 7-year-old outside.

From that point on, he was soooooooooo not feeling the oddly dressed creatures that kept showing up at my door. Remember the ugly sectional? Well, on one side of it, there are the two seats that recline and in between is a cushion and table dealio. He perched his rather large dog ass ON THE CUSHION because his time of walking back and forth across my legs while I am trying to catch up on Lorelai and Rory had come to an end. So there he sat. Two feet above my head looking down at my lap like "I just wanna be right there, mama. Why you no love you some me?" He was so pitiful I let him come over but he kept switching positions and y'all have seen him. He is not a tiny boy anymore. So off he went again. So he sat on the other side of the cushion and stared at me. The whole night. The whole time the kids came and went. He no longer showed any interest in who may be at the door because that mummy? It crushed his spirit. He finally laid down and put just his chin on the cushion to stare at me some more in case I decided to make a run for it and he did not catch it.

By the time we were done with the Gilmores and the kids were long gone and the door was closed against the evil of children in costumes, Gage was so strung out on stress that he collapsed in my bed and promptly fell into the type of sleep one can only achieve after the most taxing of days. I brushed my toofers and he was so dead to the world, I could not get him to move. I had to sleep AROUND HIM.

And I did it too. Because I am a good mama.

PS - He goes on doggie Lexapro tomorrow.

Labels: The Pooper

Elizabeth at 12:52 PM

11comments